A
female
age
36-40,
*aruko
writes:Hi all. I'm in a interracial marriage for 5 years. My husband is Chinese. Ever since our 2 sons were born, I felt that my husband hates my family even more. I can feel his negative energy when I talked to my family specially my mom. He will mock my family believes in god and would call us stupid for believing in god. He doesn't make an effort to get to know my side and my culture. He would get angry if I talk to my child with my language but is ok when he does it. Everything that my family or i suggested are rubbished or idiot. Things such as gifts that my family gave to our sons are not good enough or stupid looking etc.... He doesn't want my sons to visit my home country and if we do the visit only last for 4days then we have to go to china for 4weeks. He was so selfish and very very unfair towards me. It almost seems like that he doesn't want my sons to have any relationship with my family and no association withy culture.It hurts me when he does that. At least I tried to get involved in his side and culture. I learn most of his relatives name, I send birthday cards to them even when there is a huge language barrier. I don't know what can I do in this situation and I'm really really upset up to a point that I don't want to talk to him anymore. Please give me some advice on what I can do to make him about more accepting towards my culture and my family. Thank you for your help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): I am Chinese and my husband is white American. His family are subtly racist and now even after 20 years of marriage his parents still don't remember where I am from (they always think I am from Vietnam or Korea or Japan etc). Talk about insulting. But my husband is fine. He has embraced my cultural background and in fact he cooks Chinese food way better and more authentic than I can! My friends all tease me about that.Anyway. Your problem isn't a cultural one. Your problem is that your husband is a jerk (being a jerk knows no national or ethnic boundaries) and comes from a dysfunctional family so he has no concept of how to be a nice person. In his family tradition, women are just house servants. His father wont even pour water for himself and requires his wife to do it for him! Does the wife have to chew his food for him too? Wipe his butt? Even if you were Chinese too he would still treat you the same and ignore your side of the family. You should leave him, jerks of this nature don't change.
A
female
reader, Haruko +, writes (15 November 2013):
Haruko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you for your respond.
My mother in law and father in are still married. When we live together for a year, that when I started to see things. Father in law doesn't do any housework. His wife has to pour water for him to drink, turn off light and tv for him etc.....
I will be strong, stand up for myself and put my foot down. Bec i don't want to end up like her. I hope that everything goes well. My family is here with me I sure they will support me. Thank you for listening :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): I'm glad you're living someplace like Australia; because you do have access to family counseling and women's support groups. Seek counseling for yourself, quickly!If it is your husband's father who is the culprit behind his change in attitude; then you should be able to talk this out with your spouse. His father is of an old-school of thought. The old-ways offers little respect to women having say in their household. He would treat you more like a servant than his equal. Is your mother-in-law dead? Or did she leave him? It's no wonder she's gone either way.You have to be strong and express your feelings on how he has been treating you. If you are shying away to let him have his way, don't expect any changes. If you are too timid as a woman to stand up to your husband; then you must divorce him, or your life will be hell. You can only stand so much. So you have to make things better for you and your children. They may become your responsibility to raise on your own someday. They need to see a strong mother, be that the case. I will venture to guess that you are of Japanese decent. I would also guess you are a very calm and sophisticated woman, who would prefer her marriage to be stable, happy, and content. Sometimes you have to raise a lot of hell, to get a little bit of heaven. Speak up in defense of your culture. Teach your children your language, no matter what he says. If he calls your god and faith stupid; tell him you will no longer tolerate his insults, and will leave if he doesn't stop. Put your foot down, and do what you say; and say what you mean. You must hand down an ultimatum, and have the courage to go through with it. I'm not sure of what kind of advice you'd expect; when you tell DC that your husband is disrespectful and unkind to you.If you can't change him; then you must change yourself.If he doesn't take you seriously, learn your legal rights and execute a plan. You are of a proud and beautiful culture. Show him what you're made of.I wish you peace and contentment. You deserve it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (14 November 2013):
He sounds like someone who doesn't deserve to married to you. There's nothing you can say to someone who's prejudiced that will make them change, not to mention he seems like a very negative person in more ways than that.
Why don't you cut your losses and move on? You can try couples therapy, but there's no way he'll go for it, I'm sure.
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A
female
reader, Haruko +, writes (14 November 2013):
Haruko is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thank you for the answer. We live in Australia. We met here and work here. He was actually good before and after our first son was born. He embraced my culture and etc.. He became insecure after his father lives with us for a year. That's when all the hatred came. Maybe his father have really big influence on him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): Your husband is set in his ways. His prejudices and intolerance is engrained; and have been nurtured throughout his life. His rashness and crudeness was in full-effect before you married him. You ignored and dismissed them, without considering how they would affect your future life together. You cannot force him to love your family nor respect your culture. He never has. He needed a woman he can easily control and treat as he pleases. You offered him that woman.You are now bound to live with him and his ways, in marriage. He fears no consequences. He knows distance from your family, being isolated from your culture, and being married gives him almost total advantage over you as a woman.Some people don't have courage or a forceful nature. So they find other people who do. They form relationships and may even marry people who are totally opposite. Your husband was a bad man from the very start. For whatever reasons, you didn't leave when you could. There are no easy solutions to dealing with a bad husband,living in a foreign country, and you can't financially support yourself and two children. If he won't change, you have to divorce him. If he was only a boyfriend, you could just pack your things and leave.You are a wife and mother. You and your children rely on this man for support. You left your family support-system;and have little alternative; but to live with the choice that you've made. Or, seek legal help to leave him. You're married in a foreign country. Marriage and immigration laws can be so unfair and complicated.Unless you find a job. Save your money,and hire a divorce attorney. Expect him to fight you with fury. Let the love of your children, your faith, and family be the source you draw your strength from. Let them motivate you to find the courage to leave him. You will never change him, or how he feels toward your family. You can call your family, and beg for them to rescue you from this man. Taking his children out of the country without his consent, may not be possible. You have few other choices. You can talk to him and tell him how much it upsets you. As you know, that will probably make no difference. To him, you are just a woman. He has no respect for you, or your opinions. You couldn't pay me, to make me believe he was any different before you married him.You can gather the courage to divorce him, take your children and leave. This will not be easy. You placed your life in his hands; and didn't leave many options open for yourself.You don't mention what country you're living in. I speculate that woman have limited rights and protections under the law. So you're seeking advice to get around that lack of other sources. Hopefully, there is an aunt who lives in your country, and knows what you can do. I hope they will speak up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): First of all, let me ask you, was he perfectly ok before your children were born? How did you marry a manlike this? He must ve shown some traits of hatred toward your family somehow before.
He doesn't sound like a good man at all. To treat you wife's family with such an attitude is a terrible behavour. He should encourage to talk to your children in your native language so they will grow up knowing several language and especially the language of their mother. I am sorry to hear this, but ident really know what you can do here, but give him an ultimatum to change his attitude to at least being civil, and if he doesn't just leave.
His beahavournis a terrible example for your children.
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