A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advise regarding a coming break-up that I am going to face. My bf and I have been together since 2010, starting off as friends. We both know we will not end together eventually as he is a Muslim and I am a Christian. At one point he asked me if I was willing to convert for him and I said no. I mean, I cannot force myself to believe in something I don't so I was being honest with him. We lived together for a year but decided to live separately afterwards. Now he is on vacation in his home country and he broke me the news the other night that his parents forced him to get engaged. I knew this was coming but this still caught me by surprise. He is to wed her after a year or 2. I know this is all my fault. But I have loved this guy for a long time, he was a very good boyfriend and he makes me feel loved everyday. Because of him, I was able to survive this lonely overseas work I have. We rarely fight and help each other in our family problems. How should I move on from this broken-heart? Am i doing the right thing of giving him up because of religion and cultural differences? I don't want to wake up one day to realize I made a mistake for not asking him to fight for me. I told him the other day that I totally respect his parents decision and he even shared me the woman's picture. I am not jealous at all. But I am not that ready to lose him yet.Please give me some words, any comments or scolding I will respect..I just want to be assured if I am doing the right thing or not..it's not too late yet. But I am very depressed. Thanks so much.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 I don't know if this is going to make things better or worse, but I think that your ex was playing with a rigged deck since the beginning
Muslims CAN marry Christian or Jewish women without them having to convert. Conversion is welcome of course, but not mandatory ,even without it the marriage is not forbidden ( That does not hold true for a Muslim female marryng a Christian or Jewish man, he needs to convert otherwise the marriage can't happen ).
So, please don't feel that it's all your fault because you weren't " brave " enough to convert for love. What was wrong with you was not your religion, but you being you, i.e. not Arabic, not his connational , not his second or third cousin, and not personally hand picked by his parents.
He did not just go home for holidays and out of the blue got forced to be engaged, I bet all you want there have been talks about his engagement/ wedding since when he was a teen or before, arrangements start very early in that sense, and, even if the bride had not already been selected years in advance, I am pretty sure that your ex always knew that , as soon he was hitting X years,... or as soon he had saved X money,... or the building of his new abode near his family had been completed... , whatever the cut date was, that was what he was expected to do, and he never had any intention to fight against it. Not that I blame him for wanting to play along and not upset his family / extended family / environment/ culture, not everybody is born a fighter. Then again, if he had wanted to " fight " for you - he did not need any push from you , he would have done it for HIMSELF, not just to make you happy .
I think he was well aware yours was a transitional love, a love with an expiration date on- and whatever you could have said or done to be more " accepting " of religious or cultural differences, it would not have changed the end result.
What I am tryng to say is, it wasn't you, it was not something that you should have done differently, the choice was never yours to begin with. Which is meager comfort, I agree, but at least you won't have to beat yourself up for not having played your cards right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, thanks for all your responses. I do not think my boyfriend has kept this engagement a secret to me bcoz of two things, first, he initiated a plan to visit my home country next year and two, he asked me again to live with him beginning this december 2013.
Before he left for vacation he even bought me a white dress to wear to a party we were planning to attend once he is back. I have not even seen any clues on his facebook where he gave me access to open when all his family members are there as his friends.
Anyhow, it doesn't change the fact that he is engaged now. He said to me yesterday that he could escape and instead live with me in my home country. Even if I so want that, I can't afford to see him lose his family. Sooner or later, he will miss them and I don't want to see him sad. He told me that marriage in his village is not about love, it is honor and trust of your parents and your community to you that you must respond dutifully.
There was an anonymous muslim responder here who said a different thing. I wonder what could be the difference, could it be cultural? My brother-in-law is an asian muslim, his family is not so conservative as I noticed. They don't have that marry-your own tribe thing. But my bf is arabic muslim, they could even marry their distant cousins.
I am so heart-broken I cry every night.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Hi, I am a muslim and I know for a fact that muslim men are allowed to marry woman of the book, that is the old testament. Believe in one God, don't partake in alcohol and pork.
There is nothing wrong with him marrying a Christian. And to be honest, if he truly loves you why is he not fighting for you and so easily settled on an "arranged" marriage.
I suggest you close this chapter in your life, because I really believe that when a man wants to be with a woman , nothing stops him from being with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE again.
I DO also think he was already engaged when he met you, but I think if you HAD been Muslim he might have been "allowed" to break that and marry you. But that might not even have happened. You have no idea what marriage "bargain" went into this marriage.
I think IF you are big on your religion and it means a LOT to you in your daily life, then YES, you need to be looking for a man who has the same faith or views. THAT however doesn't mean it's EASY to be with someone of a different faith. Or that it will work.
I do think that YOU can be a "child of God" as you put it and love someone who isn't the same exact religion as your - That is partly what Christianity is ALL about. The part about LOVE them all.
Take your time mourning the loss of this relationship and then let it go. Wish him luck and CUT all contact. If he is meant to be with her, he has NO business "stringing" you along.
Find someone who you can SHARE your life AND your BELIEFS with, not just one or the other.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 November 2013):
 Of course, you are doing the "right thing"....
Compatibility of religion is one of the crucial compatibilities in a relationship or marriage.... IF two people can't reconcile that important part of their lives... then it's reasonable to believe that they should not try to make a life together....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much WiseOwle for this insightful advise, it really made me cry. I grieve not for the loss of love because I know he will always love me...i really felt it and that I was the first person he ever told about this. We were more than lovers, we were best friends.But you are right, this is a not a win-win case. Either way I will be in the losing end. I will suffer this one way or another or suffer long-term so therefore, I stand by my decision. And that is to let go.I actually take this as a sign from God. Just recently I had studied my faith as a Catholic and fell in love with my faith to a new level. And I reconfirmed to myself I can't end up with someone I don't share the same faith. And I was saying, how can I be an obedient child to God if I am currently dating a non-Christian? Little did I know that God will send me the answer very fast. It means he is listening!! He answers the desire of my heart!Thank you so much. I know I will cry from time to time but I will survive this. I don't regret every single moment I was with him, he was all worth it. But not worth losing myself to, however, it's better to love than to have not loved at all.Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): Your approach to your faith is a personal one. Worship only in accordance to your heartfelt beliefs. You don't really have any choice about your fate with this man. His parents have all the power. I think he would have allowed you to be yourself; if he really had any say about it. However; he put the wishes of his parents first. Why should you have to ask him to fight for you? He's a man and can make his own decisions.In all honesty, I think he was already engaged when you met. Now that he is returning to his country.He is fulfilling his promise of engagement in an arranged-marriage to a Muslim woman. She fiance' when he met you.He asked if you would change; because he knew of the unwelcoming environment awaiting for you; if you were introduced to his parents, family, and culture. His parents live in a country that would not necessarily accept you, just because you opted to change your faith for him. There is a remote chance he would have married you; or you would have been happy if he had. Foreign or Middle-eastern Muslim men date American, European, and Canadian women; because they will have premarital sex. They consider that less than clean and righteous. You would be considered promiscuous in the traditional sense of their religion; if you are not a virgin.Your religious beliefs should be based on your heart, and faith to the Higher Being that you truly believe in. Not pretending to believe in, in order to deceive others for acceptance. Could you really live with that? Unfortunately; traditional foreign-born Muslims are not very flexible about the acceptance of Christianity or foreigners into marriage. Converting your religion wouldn't have assured your acceptance by his family. They would have wanted him to marry a Muslim girl born in his own country. Most traditional Muslims are staunch in their own faith, culture, and traditions. Flexibility is viewed as disobedience.Apparently, you have never met his parents or family.If you ever did, you failed to mention it in your post.Why?Your life with him would have felt isolated. You would be challenged to prove you can live up to the demands of his faith, and meet the approval of his parents. You would have to give up being everything you are; not only to please him; but to be accepted into his family. Which is closely knit and intrusive.What would he be sacrificing for you? How would your family feel about you giving up everything to be with one man? Who didn't sacrifice his faith or culture for you? Are you so distant and disconnected to your own family, that you're willing to negate your shared belief-system, and reject them for being Christians? Would they be welcome in the homes of his family? Too many women give up who they are to be with a man. Only to discover later; that giving up your soul isn't proving anything, accept you are willing to give too much in exchange for too little. It should be a fair and fulfilling exchange. Not lopsided. You should not have to transform who you are, as a good person with your own beliefs, to be with someone. Muslim women have coverup head to foot to hide their modesty, and men rule the household.If you loved him, I understand your self-doubt. Continue reading the posts from women who left their families, their countries, careers, and dreams behind. Attempting to adapt to a totally different culture for the sake of being with a man. They uprooted their lives to live his. No compromise on his part whatsoever.These poor women are so deep in despair, it is heart-breaking to read their sad stories. They can't get divorces, depend on these men for their very existence,and their families treat them like pariahs. Love isn't good unless two people make a fair exchange, and no one comes up short. Hold on to your faith. It has many rewards; which will include finding love again.No man is worth losing yourself for.
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