A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my husband. We have known each other for about 2 1/2 years and have been married for about 7 months now. We have been through a lot together, and I have recently immigrated to be with him, and am now trying to get my papers etc. I love him very much.The problem is, I feel like he is taking advantage of me. I do ALL the cleaning in the house, even though we both work. I cook, do laundry, shop for groceries, everything. I don't mind doing a little bit of cleaning here and there, but he is VERY lazy and will basically take half an hour to completely destroy a whole days worth of cleaning. He is so messy, he won't even screw the lids back onto jars after he's used them. He leaves wet towels in the bed after he showers. He leaves his socks and dirty underwear on the table that we eat off of. The list goes on. Basically, I feel like some kind of slave running around picking up after him.The thing is, I am not a perfectionist and I don't have incredibly high standards or anything. But it's making me so depressed to live in a filthy house. Like I'm living with a teenager. I've asked him nicely thousands of times, I've begged, I'v pleaded, I've threatened. I've told him his behaviour makes me feel unappreciated. Yet there are still mounds of his crap lying all over etc etc. I nag, he does one job half way then gets bored and distracted by TV/playstation.I don't want to be the whiny wife. I hate that stereotype so much. But it seems like my only options are to live in a dump, or to suck it up and basically be my husband's skivvy!Does anybody have any advice for how I can get him to pull his weight? So that I don't have to feel like his mom and whinge every single day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Thank you for the replies. The shock therapy is a good idea, although I wonder if he'll even care! I've been starting to wonder about the OCD aspect too. His mother is sort of one those people. Her house is INSANE. I've never seem anything like it. So I guess he's learnt some bad habits from her.
I'll try some of your suggestions. Thank you so much for the advice!
A
female
reader, loving arms  +, writes (23 March 2009):
I to hate mess, so i can understand how leaving it lying around can be difficult. Maybe the thing to do is get a box/basket and dump his stuff in it. That way he'll run out of clean clothes etc and when he complains just say you washed what was in the basket.
As for doing everything tell him you both need to do chores together to you can have some quality time together in the evenings. As for shopping if he can't be bothered to shop with you then don't buy all the things you know he likes. Shop for the things you like. Again when he complains say you'll be happy to get things for him when he comes with you to choose his things or you'll think about him when he shows that he thinks about you around the house.
Failing all of this mate tell him you feel seriously neglected and cannot see how you'll have a loving marriage when he makes you feel like cinderella. Remember there is not point raising any issues with him if you continue to be his door mat. Show that you mean what you say. If you just complain then still pick up after him he'll have no incentive to do his share of anything.
Good luck babe x
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (23 March 2009):
 How long have you known him? Was he like this before you met him? If he is, and even his mother cannot control this behaviour, it sounds like he is borderline OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Which means that he needs professional counselling. In a way, without realizing it, to a certain extent, both his parents and and now yourself are reinforcing his habit by "allowing" it to continue.
However, you know him better than we do. So what I am about to suggest may or may not be feasible for you to do.
(a) Shock treatment. Tell him that whatever he puts out of place (dirty underwear on food table), wet towels on bed, dirty clothes in the hallway or on the couch, etc etc, will be picked up and donated to the Salvation Army (of course, you bring them to a laundrymat first, and you don't need to tell him thatn). If he buys new one, fine, but you keep your "promise" to donate it to charity if he keeps putting dirty laundry out there.
(2) You tell him that you have your part of the house and he his. In his part of the house, he can be as dirty as he wants (but you are not helping him clean that part of the hosue nor wash his laundry there). Anything out of place in your part of the house can be picked up and donated to charity.
If he keeps buying more stuff to replace the ones that you threw out [instead of changing his behaviour], than he could also be a hoarder.
But of course, these can only be done if he is not a violent person when reacting to things he does not like.
You can probably do your own search in the internet, or go to a local university or clinic and talk to a psychologist there on theories on his borderline OCD and get some more professional advice from them.
I am sorry I can't be of any more help than this.
Good luck!
Cat
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 March 2009):
 Completely stop picking up after him. Leave his stuff where he leaves it (unless the wet towel is on your side of the bed, in which case toss over to his side). Maybe after awhile he'll get sick of wearing dirty shorts and start putting them in the laundry basket. Reward him with clean shorts if he does. Hopefully you won't have to live like this for too long and he'll wise up quickly.
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