A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I really hope somebody can help me. My marriage is in trouble and I have no one to talk to. I have been married for almost four years, but together with my husband for 10 years. We have a six month old daughter. The problem is that I've always felt that he puts his parents first.His parents own a small restaurant, and he works for them. At first I thought my husband was one in a million. I "admired" his devotion towards his parents. My husband skipped college to dedicate himself fully to helping his parents run the business. He left his office job with a promise by his parents that they would pay him more. Since we were about to get married at the time, he took their offer. Later on, I discovered a big secret he had been keeping from me. I found out that he was the registered owner of the business. I didn't know why he would keep it a secret from me, until years later I found out the truth. The reason why his name was on the business was because his father has AIDS and he was (and still is) receiving government help. They figured that if the business were under his mom or dad's name, they would deny the help. When I asked him about it, he just said that medication for AIDS was too expensive, and since the business was barely making a dime, his parents wouldn't be able to afford it. Again, I thought about what a big heart my husband had...Everything was fine, or so I thought until just months before getting married, we decided to buy a house. We almost did not get it because the loan officer said that since the business was under his name, it was going to be "too much debt" for him, and the bank would have a hard time believing that he would be able to pay the mortgage. Same thing with trying to get a new car. That's when I realized that having his name on this restaurant wasn't helping, but only making things worse for us.Years later I found myself pregnant and with no health insurance. I tried applying for Medicaid but was denied because of the buisness. When my husband told my inlaws that he would be taking his name off so that we could get help, they offered to pay for my pre-natal care and labor since they thought it be alot cheaper than to pay for AIDS medication. Even though I hated the idea, I had no other choice. Unfortunately, my baby was born a little premature and had to stay in the NICU for a week. I cried at the thought of how much we would have to pay out of pocket. By her third day in the NICU, the balance was $12,000. His parents never said a word about helping out then, in fact they MADE him work that week while I stayed alone in the hospital with my daughter. Who in their right mind would do that? I cried ALOT while I looked at my tiny daughter in an incubator. How could HE do this to us? To me? To his daughter? I know that we needed the money, and that he had to work for it, but isn't family supposed be understanding? Couldn't they just lend us the money instead of making him work for it? And YES my inlaws HAVE money. I later got a call from a male Medicaid case worker, notifying me that I had qualified for financial assistance even though my husband "appeared" to be making $16,000 a month. He didn't seem very happy about it, and was even very rude, but I don't blame him. If your the wife of a "business owner" who "makes" that much money a month, you should be able to pay for your own hospital bills.And now here I am today. Tired and ready to give up. Tired of always having to "depend" on his parents when we need help with money. Tired of my husband taking on huge responsibilities that aren't his. Tired of him working even when he's sick, because he doesn't want to upset his parents. Tired of him having no say in what goes on in the business even when his parents hire illegal immigrants and know that its against the law. Tired of THEM treating him like an employee and not his son. Tired of him not taking on the responsibilities that a husband and father should. Tired of him ALWAYS putting THEM first. Tired of him working so hard on something that in reality, is not his.What makes matters worse is that ever since I had the baby, he barely touches me. I didn't gain much weight after the baby, in fact when we met, I was much heavier. We've had sex a few times, but only because I look for him. And when I go out of my way to look good for him, he never tells me how beautiful I look. In fact today came up a conversation about a guy who a few years ago, told him he liked me though he was unaware that we were engaged at the time. Apparently this guy knew me from church, though I had never seen him there, but he never found the courage to ask me out. Though this was a few years ago, I got butterflies in my stomach. I felt flattered. When I asked him if he ever told the guy that we were together at the time, he said "what for"? I guess he thinks I could never find anybody else. And now I can't stop thinking "What if"? What do I do? Should I stick by my husband? Should I try harder at working this out or am I being naive? I still love my husband, but sometimes I think I hate him more. Will he ever put us first? I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help...
View related questions:
aids , at work, cheap, debt, engaged, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 You need to sit down with your husband and tell him everything you have just wrote down. You need to be open and honest with him and tell him how you feel. Its obvious all of these stresses have been building up for a long time and you are ready to explode and just leave. You are probably feeling tired of trying to make things worse. My guess though is that he is probably just as stressed as you as he is trying to please his parents and i bet he wants to try and keep you happy as well but he just doesnt no how to do that. You need to talk to him as i bet he is not going near you for sex as he is stressed out and is just simply not in the mood.
You both really need to get this sorted though for the sake of your baby if nobody else. Dont threating him but do tell him that you are on the verge of leaving as you can not keep up with his parents demands and that it is ruining your family life. He needs to sit down and talk with his parents and explain to them that he needs to take his name of the business and concentrate on his family life now. You him and the baby.
Im guessing your husband does have a big heart and he doesnt want to see his parents in financial difficulty, he also probably doesnt want to see you hurting either but you need to sit down with him really soon and discuss how you feel and ask him what he is going to do. Goodluck and all the best for the future.
|
