A
female
age
36-40,
*sabella1987
writes:I think my husband cheat on me.How can I find out?He dont want to have sex with me anymore.Even I ask for it he just give me stupid reason like he is tired,he working heard.And he go to work like 2hours early. He said his cousin take him to work,his car is broken.I dont know what to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): it is a difficult situation that you are in my sister.
i may talk harsh, what will you get if you find out that he is got an affair? why can not you hold him with your womanly powers. means not to get angry on your husband. but just to be his - more of his- explicitly show it to him. love him more. symptoms does not exactly mean that he is cheating. it is some guide lines. BUT NOT SURE.
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (17 September 2009):
You could contact 'Cheaters' TV show and see if they'll put a PI on him and bust him on TV... If you live in Texas (the show is filmed there- in Dallas) you might have a good chance. If you think he's cheating at home a nanny-cam is a good investment. If you can enable the GPS tracking on his phone (great for tracking kids, or cheating husbands) do it. There are devices for cars as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): You have given two classic symptoms of people who have an affair. Not wanting to have sex. Going to work early.
Don't mean to be gross, but you might smell his underwear or his penis. It would have a typical womanly smell. He could be taking a shower before he comes home though. Does he jump in the shower immediately when he gets home? Does he smell like perfume? Is there any lipstick on his shirt or other clothing? Does he come home late? Does he seem more concerned about his appearance and ask if he looks good? Has he bought any new clothes? Does he make excuses to go out for a short period of time? Does he come home with a bag with only one item in it to prove his whereabouts? Has he given you any nice gifts lately? If his conscious bothers him, he might. Do you have a lot of hang-up calls? Does he disappear to talk on the phone in another room? Or does he talk, mumble on the phone. If he has a cell, check his calling record and incoming record. BUT DON'T TELL HIM. This is how I learned for sure that my husband was continuing an affair.
When you do have sex, have you noticed his introducing anything into the bedroom that you two have not already done together? Mine did--he started pulling on the back of my hair during sex. He showed a sudden interest in more intense oral sex. He tried unsuccessfully to introduce anal sex.
A lot of people who suddenly lack interest in their spouses have affairs. I have read too that at the beginning they may increase their sex drive with their spouses to make sure their wives are not suspicious or until they feel more comfortable in thinking they won't get caught.They may be having sex 4 times a week with the other woman and 2-3 with wife. However, they cannot keep up with the pace and slow down with the wife.
Google on line "Symptoms of an Affair." There will be a lot of characteristics given.
My x of 35 years ran around all our married life. I must have been dumb, but I didn't know until the end. All the symptoms were directly in front of me, but I didn't see them. Deep down on some level, I felt something was wrong because he was always non responsive to my needs or concerns. I just reasoned that was the way he was. He never wanted to talk--avoided it like the plague.
Even when I followed him once and saw him with a woman, I was not convinced he was having an affair. He got out of the car and came running over to me. "It's not what you think! Nothing's going on!" I looked at him and saw lipstick on his lips and upper lip. I said, "I like the shade of lipstick you are wearing." I said nothing to the woman and drove off. He drove off with her. Unbelievable. When he left, he said, "I'll be home in a few minutes." He arrived 1.5 hrs. later with a bag consisting of one item--said he had to stop by store for bread.
I followed him only that one time. He knew he was caught. Even so, he said only, "I'm sorry you had to see that." Not I am sorry. In his final admission of having affairs throughout the marriage at a much later date, he said, "What difference does it make? You didn't know about it anyway."
That told me all I needed to know, and I will never forget those exact words. IE, he compartmentalizes life. The wife goes in one drawer, the mistress in another, etc. Our marriage was a business arrangement. I was his trophy wife--successful on my career, nice looking with a good figure, and the mother of his three children.
I left three weeks later. It was topsy turvy for several years. I finally divorced him, remarried him, and divorced him again. He never had fidelity to give me, and I couldn't trust him. He just continued with the same behavior but always lied about it. I had to face that I had spent the majority of my life with someone I didn't even know. It took 8 years and a suicide attempt to heal. It also took a lot of counseling. Now I cannot believe that I let him have that sort of power over me.
There are times when a person will fall into an affair, a one-time thing, and the couple can work it out. It is tough to rebuild trust, and I believe you would need a counselor. I will tell you that early in our marriage, I had an affair. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and my conscience that I told my husband I was moving back home out-of-state and that he could join me if he liked. I knew he would. I did that because I took a vow, and I wanted to do the right thing. The affair lasted 3 years. He never noticed a thing--probably because it would have interferred with his social life. When I told him, he didn't seem to care. It never seemed to bother him. Now I know why. I will tell you that I was madly in love with the man and detested my husband at the time. I did succeed in getting back together and giving up the other man. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I did it for my marriage, for my husband.
I would advise you not to follow him. I wish I had not done that. It accomplished nothing except to leave a horrible image in my head that I could never get past.
These are the ways I know of. It becomes a nightmare when you find out and very unsettling when you don't. I cannot tell you what to do when you do learn the truth. I would suggest counseling; my husband refused to go.
I have probably said too much, and it is probably filled with too much about me. I do not usually do this, but I wanted you to see how rough it can be.
Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers. It would be easier if you don't have children. You didn't say.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): You have given two classic symptoms of people who have an affair. Not wanting to have sex. Going to work early.
Don't mean to be gross, but you might smell his underwear or his penis. It would have a typical womanly smell. He could be taking a shower before he comes home though. Does he jump in the shower immediately when he gets home? Does he smell like perfume? Is there any lipstick on his shirt or other clothing? Does he come home late? Does he seem more concerned about his appearance and ask if he looks good? Has he bought any new clothes? Does he make excuses to go out for a short period of time? Does he come home with a bag with only one item in it to prove his whereabouts? Has he given you any nice gifts lately? If his conscious bothers him, he might. Do you have a lot of hang-up calls? Does he disappear to talk on the phone in another room? Or does he talk, mumble on the phone. If he has a cell, check his calling record and incoming record. BUT DON'T TELL HIM. This is how I learned for sure that my husband was continuing an affair.
When you do have sex, have you noticed his introducing anything into the bedroom that you two have not already done together? Mine did--he started pulling on the back of my hair during sex. He showed a sudden interest in more intense oral sex. He tried unsuccessfully to introduce anal sex.
A lot of people who suddenly lack interest in their spouses have affairs. I have read too that at the beginning they may increase their sex drive with their spouses to make sure their wives are not suspicious or until they feel more comfortable in thinking they won't get caught.They may be having sex 4 times a week with the other woman and 2-3 with wife. However, they cannot keep up with the pace and slow down with the wife.
Google on line "Symptoms of an Affair." There will be a lot of characteristics given.
My x of 35 years ran around all our married life. I must have been dumb, but I didn't know until the end. All the symptoms were directly in front of me, but I didn't see them. Deep down on some level, I felt something was wrong because he was always non responsive to my needs or concerns. I just reasoned that was the way he was. He never wanted to talk--avoided it like the plague.
Even when I followed him once and saw him with a woman, I was not convinced he was having an affair. He got out of the car and came running over to me. "It's not what you think! Nothing's going on!" I looked at him and saw lipstick on his lips and upper lip. I said, "I like the shade of lipstick you are wearing." I said nothing to the woman and drove off. He drove off with her. Unbelievable. When he left, he said, "I'll be home in a few minutes." He arrived 1.5 hrs. later with a bag consisting of one item--said he had to stop by store for bread.
I followed him only that one time. He knew he was caught. Even so, he said only, "I'm sorry you had to see that." Not I am sorry. In his final admission of having affairs throughout the marriage at a much later date, he said, "What difference does it make? You didn't know about it anyway."
That told me all I needed to know, and I will never forget those exact words. IE, he compartmentalizes life. The wife goes in one drawer, the mistress in another, etc. Our marriage was a business arrangement. I was his trophy wife--successful on my career, nice looking with a good figure, and the mother of his three children.
I left three weeks later. It was topsy turvy for several years. I finally divorced him, remarried him, and divorced him again. He never had fidelity to give me, and I couldn't trust him. He just continued with the same behavior but always lied about it. I had to face that I had spent the majority of my life with someone I didn't even know. It took 8 years and a suicide attempt to heal. It also took a lot of counseling. Now I cannot believe that I let him have that sort of power over me.
There are times when a person will fall into an affair, a one-time thing, and the couple can work it out. It is tough to rebuild trust, and I believe you would need a counselor. I will tell you that early in our marriage, I had an affair. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and my conscience that I told my husband I was moving back home out-of-state and that he could join me if he liked. I knew he would. I did that because I took a vow, and I wanted to do the right thing. The affair lasted 3 years. He never noticed a thing--probably because it would have interferred with his social life. When I told him, he didn't seem to care. It never seemed to bother him. Now I know why. I will tell you that I was madly in love with the man and detested my husband at the time. I did succeed in getting back together and giving up the other man. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. I did it for my marriage, for my husband.
I would advise you not to follow him. I wish I had not done that. It accomplished nothing except to leave a horrible image in my head that I could never get past.
These are the ways I know of. It becomes a nightmare when you find out and very unsettling when you don't. I cannot tell you what to do when you do learn the truth. I would suggest counseling; my husband refused to go.
I have probably said too much, and it is probably filled with too much about me. I do not usually do this, but I wanted you to see how rough it can be.
Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers. It would be easier if you don't have children. You didn't say.
...............................
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