A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Apologies if this is long; but it's really worrying me and I need to get it out in the open.I'm 33 and my husband's 36. We have two sons, one aged 12 and the other who's 14. I live down the road from my best friend, and my children are best friends with my best friend's children.However, my husband's behaviour in the past few weeks has been odd. He went to work 9am-5pm as usual, but didn't get in until 11pm most of the week.I asked my husband why he didn't get in until 11pm, and he said it was work issues, but there was something about his voice that made it sound like it wasn't genuine. I decided to leave things alone for the next fortnight, just to make sure that it didn't seem like I was on edge.The week before last, I hired a private investigator to follow him for a few weeks; and when I got the results back I was truly horrified and sickened: my husband had been having an affair with my best friend's husband.The investigator said he'd heard my husband talking to my best friend's husband and saying about "ditching our dull-as-dishwater wives and getting off together."He also heard them say "After all, our wives are more like sisters to us, aren't they?". He also said he'd heard my husband talking about the fact they'd been having sex together for the past 4 years on the sidelines unofficially.The investigator also told me he'd seen them kissing in the back of my husband's car at about 2pm on a dual carriageway lay-by in a rural area (not in a voyeuristic way, but because he'd been stealthily following my husband, trying to see if he really was in work at the times he claimed).He showed me the photos, and said he felt sorry for me. He said this was a really tough case to deal with, and said he hoped I could get some help.How do I deal with this - and how should I tell my best friend about it??Currently my husband's done a disappearing act and I haven't seen him since - and my best friend thinks her husband's working away (based on what he told her!)This is stressing me out so much, that I don't know where to go, what to do next: only work, seeing my children and my best friend keep me happy, the rest of the time I feel like I'm on autopilot.I would really appreciate all advice given to me, as so far no-one else apart from me knows about this.Patricia
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affair, best friend, friend's husband, kissing Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): I'm being a total smart alec here (because I often try to laugh a little when some issue is heavy)---but I say you start sleepign with your best friend and beat him to the punch. "Sorry, but you've SO bored me these last few years, I couldn't stand being with you and I have some news for YOU!"
Seriously---auto pilot is to shield your pain--who could blame you? Wow. What a blow. You need a counselor (someone who is objective). No friend can help you through this....they can be an ear and a shoulder, but you need someone without bias to help make the bigger decision.
I'm truly sorry, and I wish for you the wisdom needed to make good decisions when I'm sure you're doubting yourself and questioning your ability to make decisions at all.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 Would you want your friend to keep this to herself if she was the one who found out what was going on with your husbands?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I am so sorry to hear of this. It boggled my mind to think that this man has been deceiving you all these years. It is possible that he wasn't sure if he was gay but that in no way excuses him for what he has done to you and your family. I don't think I would say anything to your friend but I would certainly confront your husband with your findings.
Get as much support from family and friends as possible. Seek counselling via your GP. Approach your local vicar for support.
This is a truly horrible thing to have to deal with and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): I'm sorry this has happened to you. I wish I could take the pain away. When a marriage ends, it feels like a death. From what your husband said, I wonder if he felt your relationship with your best friend was stronger than yours and his. No matter, his betrayal makes me feel ill. Right now you need to take care of yourself. He's avoiding you, but don't let that bother you right now. You and your childrens wellbeing is whats most important. Do you have any family to turn to for support? Or a church family you trust to guide you through this time? We have a service in our town called First Call for Help. These non profit organizations are usually listed under county services in phone book. It's o.k. to need them, because it's hard to think clearly during this devastation. {they offer legal aid too} It will be hard for your children to understand, but they will overcome this with your love and support of family, friends, and faith. He's making it a little easy running away...you wouldn't want to be living in the same house with him, would you? I wouldn't contact him {unless for legal reasons}, you can be strong for your children...Take care, and I'll say a prayer for you today.
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A
female
reader, nightstar +, writes (21 October 2008):
You have to confront him at some point. Do it when you are ready and definitely take care of yourself and the kids during this time. You should also get a therapist and check for STDs. You don't want any surprises.
You deserve so much better!!
BE STRONG
XXXX
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A
female
reader, PatriciaBGledhowLeeds +, writes (21 October 2008):
Two more things I forgot to include -
first, I tried contacting my husband on his mobile but I've always got through to "this mobile is switched off" message.
Secondly, I worry about how my children's relationship with my best friend's children will be affected by the revelation when/if I tell them about it.
My best friend wouldn't have suspected a thing at all, she would probably disbelieve it if I told her which is why I worry about telling her about it.
Thanks for your advice so far.
Patricia B
Gledhow, Leeds, West Yorkshire
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Good grief, this is one of the more unusual problems on her, that's for sure!
I really don't know what to tell you to do for the best. Maybe if you took the photo's and showed them to your best friend? Explain what's been going on - about the PI and all - and what he found out. My guess is that your friend isn't unaware of a problem in her relationship with her husband. She may even have suspected the truth of what's been going on but didn't want to believe it.
If possible, get a written statement from your PI so that you can back up what you're telling her.
Whatever way you look at this, both husbands have been cheating and if they feel like this, both marriages are a sham, a front to respectability when in fact their behaviour is showing it to be anything but.
If I was in your shoes this is not something I would be able to keep to myself or tolerate. Your husband has been shoving shit uphill for the last four years and then afterwards has been getting into bed with you? No, I couldn't cope with that at all. Let your friend in on it. You'll at least be able to support each other through your respective divorces, which is surely the next step for both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): One more thing I forgot to add - I tried phoning my husband's mobile but kept getting a "mobile is switched off" message.
I worry about whether what my husband has done will affect the way my children's relationship is with my best friend's children.
Patricia
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): You really have a heavy load on your shoulders and a lot of conflict inside you to deal with. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this alone. I suggest you should make and appoinment with your doctor, ask him to refer you to a good counselor or therapist that can help you to work through all of this.
Be careful before you tell your friend and your children. I suggest you speak to the counselor first.Get advice on how to inform them as the shock of the news (as you know) will be very traumatic. Is there anybody you can contact in the meanwhile, maybe a minister or close relative that you can contact to support you. It might also be a good idea if you can get your mom or a relative to visit to help you with the kids for the next few days. If you are working,I suggest you ask your doctor to book you off work for a few days. You need the time to see a counselor and to get yourself out of the state of shock. To get yourself mentally prepared for the way forward.
I also think you should consult a good lawyer and get advice on your legal situation.
This will be a very difficult time ahead for you. The sooner you can get to see the counselor the better. It will help you to deal with the situation and how to inform the others.
I am feeling so sorry for you. It is so unfair to be humiliated and hurt like this.
My thoughts are with you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 October 2008):
Yikes! You must be totally in shock which is a good thing because it numbs you up a bit. I guess I would just treat this as I would a cheating husband situation. Confront him with your information and see what he says, that is when he finally surfaces. You probably will have to separate so you will need to think about just what you are going to tell your boys. As far as you friend goes, I'd show her what the detective discovered, she is being duped and needs to know what's going on as well. Good luck Patricia, keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): You could have some fun with this. Really. I mean, I know it's painful and stressing and all that, but you now have the upper hand. Unless you've confronted him about it already, he thinks he's being sneaky. You should definitely let your best friend know, but be cautious. A best friend would understand the situation at hand, and then you could devise a way to simultaneously resolve it. You could always pull the "I called your work and they said you left hours ago..." routine, or even "(your best friend) is worried because her husband has been showing up late and she thinks he is cheating on her."
Or just outright confront them, best friends to gay cowboys. It's your call. Personally, if I were you, I'd just frame the pictures or make it my (or better yet his) computer's background. Anyway, best of luck, and sorry your marriage turned out to be a scene from brokeback mountain.
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