A
female
age
41-50,
*eautynomore
writes:Hi EveryoneI have many questions but first let me explain. I have been married almost 20 yrs, I'm 38 he's 46.We have 3 beautiful children 22, 21 and 14. My 1st child is not his blood but there is no step anything in my home, however problems have occurred because of this. He has always been the very protective, hands on dad, jealous, sexual crazy, workaholic family man. He is still all those things minus the hands on dad as the children don't require this as much, or the sexually crazy, which I have never really been that person who needs that all the time.He is the man of his house in every way, and I exist but that's about it. I spend 99% of my time wrapped in my children.My husband for the past 9 months has stopped calling me obsessively. Everyday throughout are whole married life he calls even if there's nothing to say. It most of the time drove me crazy. For the past 9 months that has stopped completely, this has raised a flag. Secondly he works like crazy and always has, but never really got involved on a personal basis with the people he works with. This has changed as well. He doesn't go out with them at night but some nights he doesn't get in till 9 from 4 in the morning, long day??When I try to talk he doesn't hear me and even walks away sometimes, however when he talks its always about work or money, which he completely controls and always has. I'm not even allowed to know where it is!! This has always been his way this is not a new thing! I have expressed to him that I need attention and no matter how much I do in this home at the end of the day I feel like a slave. I check the phone bill and I see he makes numerous calls a day, so many different numbers that its hard for me to pin point anything. However I have asked him and he denied cheating, but the whole conversation was weird, seemed off. I mentioned I see his texts through my iPad and he doesn't even respond. It's like he's saying as little as possible whenever I approach the subject. A subject I am asking him specifics on.Is he cheating?? Or does it sound like he is?
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female
reader, Beautynomore +, writes (18 February 2013):
Beautynomore is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ so very confused. Yes there is savings but not like you think! He is very old school, money under mattress kinda thing but trust me its not there. What we have is not a lot and his mentality is, what if something happens we need money to back us. This is true but, if something happens and he's not around, I have no way of handling it on my own. I can call him and ask as I have done in the past if I need money but, it feels degrading to me. My mother is crazy when it comes to this subject! As she thinks I'm insane for dealing with it. I see the logic behind it, it just sucks I am not trusted to even know where the bulk of it is. I can grab petty cash of course I know where that is but not the bulk. This has been the one of the major problems. However I never really addressed it cause like I explained I had always made my own spending money. Update: I had surgery on my mouth on v-day, my sister took me as I could not drive. Not one phone call to her or me during my procedure. Check the phone records yesterday. 1 phone call made to an online florist the day before vday and on vday while I was at the dentist, he made 3 more calls to the same online florist. 1st call 2 min, 2nd call 1 min, 3rd call 6 min. Flowers were never delivered to my home on vday. I talked to him at 3pm and he told me he was getting out of work in a minute, he didn't get home till 6:30pm. He came in with flowers from the grocery store, trust me Ik. I figured the flowers he didn't pay to much attention to as he got me a beautiful pair of earrings or trust me he would of heard it. Until I checked his phone records on Saturday. That's when I thought it odd he contacted an online florist. I made sure he didn't send flowers to his mom by asking his sister, which of course I made some lie up... My sister wants me to call the florist aand give them some bullshit lie about bad flowers. I just don't know how to go about it..
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 February 2013):
 wait wait wait.. you have savings accounts that you don't know where they are or have access to?
do you have other financial issues that he controls and don't have access to? I would change that ASAP
no i would not force him to go to counseling but if you go for yourself you may find the strength you need to make some hard choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): These deviations in your husband's baseline behavior can be explained individually but when you add them up and see the big picture, it looks like he is cheating.Trust your gut. When talking with your husband, listen to what he says but listen to what your gut is saying as well. Look for discrepancies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): so for 20 years he would call you obsessively every day? that's not good. Then now all of a sudden he has completely stopped? Yes I would say he is cheating on you.
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female
reader, Beautynomore +, writes (13 February 2013):
Beautynomore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, Ty guys so much for responding! I have never talked about this stuff with anyone other than my sister, definitely feels good to get an outside point of view. To answer back most of the questions I have been asked. I'm still trying to navigate around the website.@ so very confused, I have asked him many times if he is happy with me and of course he says yes. However, he is just not your easy to talk to kinda guy. Except when he is sexually satisfied and making money lol. But when he is in crunch time on the job, there is no balance for family and work. It has always been this way, I just feel something is different this time around. Counselling has been approached and I'm not sure if its his culture or him but he has no desire to go. My mother tells me I can make him go and I most likely could but, that's not me. My feeling on the subject is that it's not going to work if he isn't open to it. When things are bad, he says I will be better when I'm making more money. And right now financially we are good, I finally started receiving some income for my brother whom I started taking care of five years ago, he has Down Syndrome. Which brings me to the part of me being stable if he leaves. I have my degree in computers and my name is on everything. It's the week to week checks he receives that I have no control of or say about. There is no savings account, that is somewhere, I just don't know where. My brother was not suppose to be permanent. My mother stayed with my sister to help her with her twin baby girls and I took my brother 5 yrs ago. My sister lost her baby girls in a pool drowning almost 3 yrs ago. My sister and mother were the ones to find them. Ever since then my mom has not been right in her head (so sad) and I can't bring myself to put my brother in a home. Financially we are good because my husband makes great money and I made the choice to keep my brother, I just can't bring my self to put him with people he doesn't know, all he's ever known is his family. If I have to live on my own, I will make it work, it's just who I am!! However it's not something I want. But I can't keep living in his shadow. The kids are getting older and I am wrapped in them because my relationship is lacking. I have nothing else to wrap my head around. In the past I have asked him so many times to do things like some ball room dance classes or date night once a week, or take a ride to grab a coffee once he gets home oppose to grabbing the bills and talking to me about that. @ anonymous my gut says something is up. I may not know now but shit floats and if its the case I will find out eventually. @serpico, It's funny to reread your words once they are out. I was just writing how I felt. Now that you quoted my words back I see the seriousness in what I was saying. Hands on dad, well the children are getting older so the routine has changed. Before it would be come home from work and get the boys ready for hockey, now that has all changed! As far as me wrapping myself in my kids. I have nothing else, I wouldn't mind wrapping myself with him. As you say your soon to be mother n law says husband first. Well I have been raised that way and I believe that way my self. It's just hard to do when he's never here. So what I am doing is making it about me "for once"...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
have you asked him if he's happy? If he says "yeah sure" or anything else like that, then you have to ask "can you tell me why"
at 46 he may just be slowing down sexually.
I understand being focused on the kids when they are younger but now they don't need you as much and you are feeling a bit lost perhaps?
What I'm seeing is you are uncomfortable but don't feel you can talk to your hubby who may or may not need to say things to you but he may not know how.
If you think he would go, maybe some counseling is in order to help you guys figure out how to communicate with each other.
Our counselor usually makes us give a gratitude to each other at each session... it can be as simple as "I'm grateful you do my part of the laundry" or "I'm grateful that you are trying to make a dinner I like every night" (my husband hates my cooking....but sadly he's the only one...so I know it's his taste in food not my skill)
those little gratitudes actually help me understand where my hubby is coming from... he's lousy at communication... but we are working on it.... maybe that's what you two need?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): You know what? I have no idea. Trust your gut...women have a unique ability when it comes to our instincts...but often they get brushed aside. TRUST YOUR GUT...you know something is wrong, you know this man has changed.No matter what 20 years of marriage has been about good or bad, is no justification for either spouse to step out and cheat. That is the coward, insecure easy way for a very temporary solution to what the real problems are.I'm not sure what the answer is, but you need some help with this. What concerns, me the most about your post is that you have no control or partnership in finances...lets just say this all goes south (I hope not)...you have got to have your own credit and your own nest egg or emergency money. You have been living your life in a old fashioned traditional role...however, that isn't going to work out so well if things fall apart. Do you have job skills outside of the home? Are you capable of living on your own/kids without a partner? You need to take care of yourself and figure out a just in case plan, well... just in case.
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A
female
reader, Beautynomore +, writes (12 February 2013):
Beautynomore is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You for your response!! You are right when you say there are more problems than what I described. It's difficult to fully explain 20 yrs of marriage in a paragraph. Control issues, yes! Targeting me as a young girl, no! I was 17 with a child and fully aware of my actions. I am 1 of 6 girls in my family and he was the friend of a family member through marriage who told him I was 18, he just turned 24. I actually went to him and I'm not so sure it was me or my son he fell in love with first lol, which drew me to him even more. When describing sexually crazy, I mean in the sense that I could have cared less if we did or didn't, having a lot of stomach problems contributed to my distance from the sex thing all together. His insecurities grew because of my distance and my guilt grew because of my neglecting..Because of that it seemed to me never good enough. My stomach problems fixed, he now seems to not care and stays away, weird behavior! And I know it's not because he's given up in that area, no way! It's just not his way! As far as the calling me everyday, oh ya, so annoying, possessive?? Just a little (sigh).. But it has come to a complete halt. When I do call him at work to say hi (always on his coffee brake), he says "what are you doing?" I say having a cup of coffee! He says "oh ok go have your coffee"). Talk about your brush off..Communication sucks!! He doesn't communicate and is defensive in all subjects. He is not normally your happy go lucky kinda guy, but he has been lately, which is weird!! I just have this gut feeling I can't let go off. And trust me I am not the possessive, think my man is cheating all the time kinda girl. He is so dedicated to me, I guess I have never had to think that way, If he is, then what's done is done but I would like to know!!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (12 February 2013):
For me - these two paragraphs said much - He is still all those things minus the hands on dad as the children don't require this as much, or the sexually crazy, which I have never really been that person who needs that all the time.He is the man of his house in every way, and I exist but that's about it. I spend 99% of my time wrapped in my children.In short, it sounds like you are much more a mother than a wife, and it may be the case that he is looking elsewhere for his needs to be fulfilled that are not being taken care of at home.My finacees mother warns her of this often. She says take care of your children, but your husband always comes first. Of course, she is South American so the attitude towards this is much different than here in the States.
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female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (12 February 2013):
You refer to him as "sexually crazy". I'm not sure what you mean, but a grown man in his mid-twenties sleeping with high school-aged girls and getting them pregnant doesnt lead me to believe he at least had the best self control, no. How you describe him paired with his having targeted a young girl (you) may be a sign that he does have control issues as well -- as in, he likes to control people. Honestly, all the adjectives you use to describe him after 20 years of marriage are quite telling. I'm not sure if it even matters if he is cheating, except in regards to stds and pregnancy. The red flag to me is not that he hasn't been obsessively calling you for 9 months, but that he HAS called you obsessively for nearly 19, 20 years. It sounds to me that the children have grown up, and so have you. Maybe he is cheating, but it doesn't sound like this was an especially healthy and mutually balanced relationship for a very long time -- and THAT is the core issue at hand.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 February 2013):
He could be working too much which can cause stress related issues as well as sleep issues. There's nothing here that screams cheating to me.
Even the lack of attention seems like sleep or stress.
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