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anonymous
writes: I'm 28 and I've been married for 5 years.I love my husband and I know he loves me too. I find him very sexy and since we first began our relationship I've always loved it when we make love and are together.He's always been less enthusiastic about that, he often has an excuse or just doesn't take the initiative, not even when all the conditions are given (like being home alone), I try talking to him about this but he's always very reluctant when I try to approach this subject, he gets defensive and we never get anywhere.In the begining I thought that my taking the initiative will do some good, but he seemed intimidated and I felt we ended up having more a contest than a sexual relationship.Sex for me is absolutely important and I don't know what;s in his mind. I wish he talked to me about it. If he told me he just doesn't find me as sexy that would be something and even though it'd sound rought, woul dbe much better than just waiting for him to "get in the mood", every other week.Is there anybody who could tell me what could be the reasons for a man who is married to a woman (young, pretty, sexy and intelligent, at least that's what I've been told), always happy to please him sexually, for not having touch her since december last year?I'm upset about this, I really can't think about any solution.I buy stuff, toys, oils, I enjoy watching pornography with my partner, he just doesn't seem to enjoy any of that. Is like he feels embarrased but can't accept it.I learned a few days ago that a friend had paid him a lap dance in a streap club, and that could have ben absolutely ok with me if he had shared that experience with me, cause at least then I could have had an insight to his sexuality.I feel really sad about this and can only think about getting what I am looking for in other people who seem to recognize what I'm willing to give so desperately.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): I feel for you so much. After marrying my hubby in September 02 our sex life has gone down hill all the way. Sadly we have a 2 yr old son. I say sadly because I am going to ask him for a divorce. I'm only 26 and cannot carry on like this. I hope othr people have helped you find some hope and possible solutions. I am just so sick of feeling worthless, I'd be happier on my own. Good luck xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): I sit here reading your situation and feedbacks and I can't help but to get teary eyed because like you I too, have a husband who's not so eager to initiate any burst of love, affection or sexual mood with me. We met in the military and we've been together since 99'. We had a long distance relationship with a whole lot of commuting back and forth from California to Virginia and vice versa. We were engaged in 2000 and eloped in 2001. Mind you he's out of the military in 2000, I still have 3 more years left and even when we eloped he didn't stay with me. He chose to stay in Cali. Of course because of his actions and commitment towards me was week. When my service was up I decided to stay with my family for six mths, who I had not seen for over 3yrs no less. I finally packed my bags for the longest trip I had ever encountered in my whole life just so that I could surprise my husband for the holidays. And when I got to California on the Eve of Christmas, only to reunite with a man who didn't seem so happy to see me. There was no whaling of joy or tears or adoration of any kind. I knew he was even more different. The only time we made love is if I initiated it and I hate to say it,...but had I not pursued him I honestly think we wouldn't have our lovely child. He wasn't even happy when I told him I was pregnant. I asked him if I was the problem and he says no. I asked him what it was he needed and he said things are fine as is. I've approached him with this numerous of times and it just got worse. I'm so bitter that I don't bother at all to initiate anything just to see if he budges and he hasn't. He did tell me once he was unhappy with himself and believe me I really don't see how when I assured him he looked great was great and there was nothing wrong with gaining 20 pds. 190 made him look good even better than 170. So, like the good wife I am, I said I'd help him lose weight by making his meals with a strict diet and workout agenda. He lost the weight and has gained more muscle. I asked him how he felt about himself and he said great. It's been 6 mths now since our child was born and he still has not made the effort to touch me. I know what your thinking,...I'm not overweight, I,m just as athletic as he is. I always get great compliments on the way I look. I run 5ks, play softball, volleyball, and basketball for the Rec Center. I'm a freelance artist, and I do sub jobs as a graphic Designer. My husband works for the state and I find myself exhausted just trying to make him happy when all the while I'm so unhappy with him. So, to you, my friend your totally not alone. For the past 2yrs with us actually living together as a couple I truly feel like I'm the mother he's my child and I'm grooming him to be great but for someone else. I feel it in my gut that my husband has cheated on me and because he's so secretive I'm slowly finding out little degrees of cheatness from him with his so called girl-friend from work, who was to get married this month of Sept. and now to find out she's not even getting married which he failed to tell me and he swears up and down he did. So be and investigator check his email, cellphone, papercheck stubs for leaves of absence from work. Because I've come to find out men are cowards. You have to speak to them like they're children. And if they're tired of the package they'll seek it somewhere else. I think I've done what I can with me man, so my thoughts now lie with my beloved baby girl. I'm not scared to lose him, I still love him very much, but why live with a man whose willing to put you through all that drama and have no remorse about your needs. Why is it us women always think about there needs first and get the short end of the stick. Now I have to say honestly this trail of bad luck has ran through my family all the way to my great great great grandmother to all the women in my immediate family and I was worned. I put faith in my judgment to have him and now I'm a satistic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2005): I agree with the poster that says he's gay. He's probably going to the peeps or other sex facility and dealing with other men.On the otherhand, maybe he's emotionally vacant because he's interested in, or, worse yet, involved with another woman (man?).
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A reader, J, writes (10 February 2005): He's having sex somewhere. He's either masturbating or seeing someone, or both. Pin him down and don't let him avoid the issue. You sound marvelous, a real catch for any man. I wish my spouse were as enthused about sex. I think it's most likely that he's not being honest with you about something.good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2005): Hi,I've been thinking about your letter, and I feel upset that your marriage is so new and you're so unhappy! At this point, you both should be truly enjoying each other.I suppose there are many possiblities to explain his behavior, but you owe it to yourself and your future happiness to find out what his problem is. I would offer that you seek out a professional to talk to about this; do your best to get your husband to accompany you, or go by himself if he wants privacy. If all else fails, go yourself and talk it out. Your sharing in the session will get you a fresh perspective, and some strategies for dealing with your husband. Perhaps he will join you as time goes by. I know that I would do everything possible to keep my wife happy, even if it meant exploring why our sex life is not satisfying to her. I hope he will do the same for you!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 January 2005):
 It's a shame that he won't talk to you about this and why he's so reluctant to have any sort of sexual activity with you, when you sound so keen. From what you've written - unless you've suddenly ballooned out to 150kg or have lethal sardine breath - I doubt that the problem is that you're not attractive enough. It sounds like your husband is either embarrassed about sex, depressed, in poor health or (you have to consider the possibility) gay. Lots of women would say my last suggestion is stupid. Why would a gay guy get married to a woman, they'd ask. Well, maybe because he doesn't want to admit it, even to himself. I speak from experience, since I dated no fewer than 3 gay guys before they came out of the closet a number of years later. (Do you think it was me? Kidding, sorry.) If he is gay, and really unhappy about it, he naturally wouldn't be interested in sex with women, but he might also be surpressing any kind of sexual thought, so he doesn't have to face up to something that he doesn't want to know.Does your husband ever discuss sexual matters with you, like fantasies that he used to have or sex that he had with a previous partner? If he never discusses sex and he's never interested in having it, he could be simple terribly embarrassed by the whole subject (as he seemed to be when you watched porn together), or he could have a medical problem, such as low hormone levels. Does he consider that it's a problem, or would he be willing to be checked out by a doctor? Do you know anything about his family history that indicates a strict or really religious upbringing that would make him ashamed of sexual feelings?Did you two have this lack-of-interest problem before you were married? If so, it might just be a part of his personality that you unfortunately overlooked when you two married.You need to talk to him - hard to do, but do it anyway - and tell him that this part of your marriage is very important to you, and find out if he considers the lack of sexual contact to be a problem. If he insists it's not, and if he isn't willing to make any concessions to you, then you need to decide whether you can continue like this effectively forever, or until he changes his mind. Marriage means cooperation, though, and if he's not willing to work on something that's a big problem to you, then it says a lot about his level of commitment.Firstly, urge him to go see a doctor and get a check-up. Maybe the doc can get him to discuss the matter. See where it goes from there, and good luck with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2005): I am in a similar situation and I still did not figure it out what is happening...
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