A
female
age
30-35,
*utinthewoods
writes:I've been married for six months and we've been struggling. I had never lives on my own before, so I really had no idea about all the housework that needs to be done.I've gotten a little better, but there's no pleasing my husband. I cooked and cleaned all week and I didn't clean today and he's upset with me. He thinks I need to clean and cook for at least two hours everyday. I work 8 hours a day and he works ten so he thinks that's fair. I worry every day what he's going to be mad about. One day I thought I had done everything, but he was mad because I had the thermostat set to 70 and not 60. I try to explain that he's asking too Mich but he says he isn't. Is he? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): Are you happy with this arrangement in the house? Before you were married did you talk about these things, who would clean and what was fair etc...? Did you spend any time talking to each other about both of your expectations of living together?
This is 2016. Women are no loner "chained" to the home cooking, cleaning and generally being used as home help. You have your own career, as does he, and the housework is NOT your sole responsibility. This set up where he expects you to clean for 2 hours because you don't work as many hours is really f@#*ing ridiculous. This is exactly why I strongly believe people should spend some time living together before jumping into marriage, because the reality of running a home, paying bills, balancing work and home life really needs a test run before you know you can spend the rest of your life with someone. People will argue that couples in the 'old' days would never live together before marriage and stayed together, but now I think because the stigma of living together 'out of wedlock' is pretty much removed then to truly know you'll be happy with someone you should get to know what it's like to live together. What better way of knowing you can spend your life with someone than trying to live together before making that oath.
Have you told your husband you're not happy? If he reacts with "its the woman's job" or sone similar outdated, sex is remark then I would quite honestly divorce him - this isn't a marriage but he's found himself a housekeeper he can sleep with. Essentially you're filling the role of being his mother by looking after him than bwing a wife. Just because he works a few more hours than you doesn't entitle him to dictate to you your responsibility in the house. Just because you are married now does not entitle him to give you orders about what he wants the house to be like. If he struggles that things aren't done to his satisfaction then those things can be his job - you can do other chores around the house. Both my husband and I work, he probably works longer hours at work but once he's home he has no work, whereas I might get home first but I then have 2 hours on average of work to do at home. We share chores, we share the cooking, we shop together and when one of us might have had a tough day or unexpectedly had to work later then we support each other. Some days, no housework gets done. Sounds like your husband either wants to control you or he has some major issues with OCD and can't handle it if things aren't done his way.
Honestly if he wasn't flexible and made it clear he doesn't see how he needs to take a share of the running of the house then I don't believe I could stay with someone taking that stance. The fact you have only been married 6 months and say you worry every day about him getting mad is actually bordering on emotional/psychological abuse. 6 months and you already feel like this, imagine 5 years, 10 years...It would wear you down.
You've got a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make about whether this marriage is making you happy. Only you can decide really what to do in this situation and if you at ANY time fear he might hurt you when he's mad then you get the hell out of there.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 He is asking too much, but I don't think there is any point in telling him. Instead, take your stance and challenge him. From what I read, you can not have a mature debate with this man, nor can you co-operate. With this personality of his, and his attitude, you need to take the bull by it's horns and make your firm stance.
Practice your arguments in advance, and do NOT enter a discussion with him. Him working 10 hours a day is HIS CHOICE. He can choose to use the extra money HE MAKES on hiring a maid. He gets PAID for those two extra hours. Do you get paid for doing house work???? You don't get his salary for these two hours of house work, I bet you.
So tell him plain and simple. Marriage is not about you being a house servant. You work the hours YOU DECIDE TO WORK. End of story. If he wants the house to be clean, he can learn to use the mop. You clean after YOUR OWN BLOODY STANDARDS and that's it! If it isn't good enough for him, then HE does the finishing touches to bring it up to HIS standard. His standard = his problem. Not yours.
If he should not back down on this, you can tell him you want a salary for these two hours of LABOR he demands you to do. The things you do voluntary, you do for free. But if he DEMANDS anything, then you demand to get paid in return. And don't sell yourself short here, take a big fat paycheck IN ADVANCE if there is any work he demands that you do. Then see how long it lasts until he gives in.
He will give in, but you need to stay headstrong and not buckle an inch. You got this. He is in no position to demand anything, and he can't force you, so you will win this battle.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (15 April 2016):
 Whoa! Time out! You've been married only six months and already you are fighting about basic things. Even though you are married you are not your husband's slave. You don't have to do anything. However you do need to come to a mutual agreement.
If your husband expects a certain standard of domesticity then why not hire a cleaner? You can both share the expense. Always remember the point of being married is not to take the place of his mother who may have had nothing else to do but clean. Or he may be an OCD sufferer. It could upset him if things are out of place or untidy. If that is the case he can have a room that he tidies to his own standard and you can have your place which is less tidy.
However it does sound like he is trying to put you under his thumb. That went out with the Victorians. It is unacceptable in the free world.
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