A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm young, this I know but like most people my age I don't have all aspects of my life figured out and i'm not sure where to go from here.I have been married for about 2 years now and I have a 8month old baby with my husband, but now i'm not sure if he should be my husband anymore. I know divorce its a big decision and it gets more complicated when you have a baby to think about, but i'm just not sure my husband cares anymore about his son or even me.Since we got married he's been gone 98 percent of the time on work and when he is home he hates being left with our son even for an hour. I hate being alone and everytime he comes home he keeps throwing the idea of having another baby but he never spends time with the one we have now. He's never home and when he is he leaves to his parents house where he spends his time out with friends and drinking. He keeps telling me he misses me but when he's 4 hrs away with parents it is hard to believe because he doesn't have to be there and yesterday was our sons first christmas and he wasn't here, I spent it alone and I cried because its not fair for our son not to have his dad. he's only seen him 10 times and during those times he rarely wants to deal with him. I don't know what to do, I've been waiting for him to come home and call or something but he hasn't and i told him some pretty horrible things when he didnt even call our son or ask about his christmas. Instead he told me that his grandma is sick and I assured him if he came home that we could go together as a family to see her on new yrs but he didn't want to, instead he's there right now while im alone for the holidays .Should I just hand him the divorce papers and just make a life on my own with my son or should I wait for him to come around and in the hopes that he will eventually show up at our door and stay?To clarify, my husband doesn't do anything big, he works at a restaurant 6 hrs away from home and stays with his friends not with me, he rather work somewhere else than try and find a job here close to home, reason being I don't even understand.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 December 2012):
 I know that counselling can be very expensive. So these three links might be helpful to you.
They might help you to go in the right direction for your sake and the sake of your child and your marriage.
here they are:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/canorshoulditbesaved/qt/marriagecounsel.htm
http://www.wisegeek.org/how-can-i-encourage-a-spouse-to-attend-marriage-counseling.htm
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-pros-and-cons-of-free-marriage-counseling.htm
Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 December 2012):
Right now your husband does not sound mature enough to be a father. He is missing out on being a father to his child.
He is putting you on hold almost like a FWB plus a child -with you as a single parent most of the time.
And I suspect that money is very tight.
Certainly do not even consider another baby until you get the marriage thing sorted.
Hospitality is a job with very long hours and the hours are often inconvenient. Such that he would want to sleep at times when you might want to be awake.
But his actions do sound like he still wants to be a lad.
Emotionally he is distancing himself from you and failing to give you the emotional support you deserve.
Do you get on well with your parents in law? Do your parents in law get to see their grand child often. Is there any chance you could start building some bridges with your mother in law? She might be willing to visit your home and babysit your baby so that you and your husband can go on a date occasionally.
Even if he is not interested you should seek some counselling (if it is affordable) to discuss your options with a counsellor. Don't rush to get a divorce. Your husband may be blindly ignorant of how deeply hurt you are feeling.
And try to learn to discuss things calmly and not accusatory. I call that fighting CLEAN and not DIRTY. The former is a form of negotiation. The latter just escalates the dispute until it is blown out of all proportion.
You fell in love with your husband once. So there was a spark there once.
Do you have family support from your own family? If yes schedule some time for you once a week and have someone in your family who you trust babysit your baby and give yourself some time even if it is just a run in the park and a coffee afterwards. Or a walk in a lovely park and then lunch with one of your girl friends.
Because it must be so very lonely spending so much time alone with your baby and where your husband is ignoring you and not listening to you.
Perhaps do some SWOT analysis of your marriage - the strengths weaknesses opportunities and the threats.
Then make a list of the top five things you would like to see change in your marriage.
Ask him to sit down and discuss your list with him and see what he can offer and suggest and tell him you need to see his ACTIONS and not just his empty promises. Words are not enough any more. He needs to step up and show you by his ACTIONS how committed he is to you and to the child you have together.
But discuss it respectfully. calmly. I known you are unhappy and at the end of your tether. But take it slowly with him so he does not feel ambushed and trapped. Slow and steady will get you further than the opposite.
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