A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I hope you can give me some advice. My husband of 19 years asked for a divorce in April this year, straight after I finished treatment for breast cancer. There has been no intimacy for 2 years now.He has refused to leave the family home as he is adamant that he will be able to pay me out on property settlement, and I haven't any money to move anywhere although he did suggest that he would pay rent for ME to move out, as living under the one roof while separated is very stressful in trying to avoid each other. There are 2 dependant teenage children also which is why I cannot move out.Years ago he was on internet dating sites behind my back for 5 years and I found out he had been cheating on me. I did not divorce and tried to give the marriage another chance.Updated to now, a few weeks ago he said he was going overseas on a "business trip", and wouldn't say where to either me or the children when asked. I found out he was in a country where western men go to meet brides who wish to leave their own country. This explains the secrecy and reluctance to divulge where he was going, and being on his phone continually at night.My question is therefore, now that he has returned, do you think I should confront him about his overseas trip and ask if there is a girlfriend or say nothing as we are separated and divorcing anyway? I am very hurt about the situation that another woman is in the wings waiting to move into my home because I cant afford to stay in it, the fact that he his divorcing me so soon after b/cancer, and that my children will be exposed to this situation (who haven't yet been told of his request to divorce.)I hope you can give me some advice please. Thankyou in advance. I
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female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (24 December 2017):
 I agree with all the aunts and 'uncles'that you should be seeking legal advice as soon as possible. I wouldn't leave the marital home until you have had some good counsel on your rights and the best way to handle the separation legally. Your in an awful situation and it must be enormously stessful for you and the kids. It will not be doing your health recovery any good at all. I think I would also advise you perhaps to have a chat with your doctor and explain the stress your going through. Gee your husband sounds like a real prize you know what. It is always difficult to make the right decisions when you are experiencing this level of challenge and stress. I would recommend you suggest he leaves until the settlement has been legally agreed to. He doesn't call the shots on your rights and protections. Any reasonable man would allow the wife and children, particularly a wife who has had a major health issue recently, to stay in the home until things are finalized. I really feel for you on this and am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. Your in the thick of it at the moment with so many emotions, grief, fear, depressed state and I am sure a good amount of anxiety to boot. Look after yourself first and formost, it's important, you need to seek the legal advice and pretty much tell him to back off until you have had time to process what's happening. Don't let him bully you, he is the one who needs to be doing the decent thing at this time as he has failed to do the decent and right thing in the past. Your just as entitled to the home as he is, if it's the same as our laws. I wish you well and again, look after yourself well. Much love. xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): I must say he is a cruel and heartless person to do this at this critical stage in your life healthwise. I hope you will fully recover from your illness. Actually if the cancer cells havn't spread to the lymph nodes, your chances of full recovery is certain and if you have been free for the last 2 yrs that is very good sign that you have nothing to fear. As how to proceed with the divorce procedure, the aunts here have all given excellent advice. Just be strong and believe in yourself. You deserve better. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (20 December 2017):
The only thing you should confront this cheating POS with is a lawyer. You have rights and he has responsibilities. Get a damn good divorce lawyer and the courts will force him to live up to his responsibilities as an ex husband and a father.
Do not take this lying down. The marital home is youts as much as it is his. Don’t take any offer he makes before you see a lawyer. I keep harping on the lawyer because it sounds like he is trying to coerce or bully you into a fast agreement and I don’t want you to be hurt anymore than you already have been by this cretin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): Your husband is awfully aggressive and indifferent to your feelings. He seems to have absolutely no concern about the law; or your legal-rights as his spouse. So I take it that you are very afraid of him. You are so passive, you probably
wouldn't seek help from the police, if he hit you; or physically tossed you into the street.
While it is good advice that you should seek legal advice; I doubt that you would.
Something tells me that you are totally dependent on this man in every way. I wouldn't be surprised if you yourself are from a different country; and he knows you'd probably face deportation, or have no place to go. No man is as blatant and cruel as that; unless he knows you are totally passive and dependent on him financially. In spite of his deeds, you've remained with him being a martyr to his cruel ways on behalf of your children. It hasn't helped.
When suggesting women seek legal-advice, we also have to take into account who is going to pay for it. How women's rights are respected and protected in your country; or if you are an immigrant who has no idea what her legal-rights are. The gross bigotry and xenophobia displayed around the world these days is appalling. Even when you seek help from authorities, the host country may be indifferent. Some will look the other way, or bind you up in red-tape. All to his benefit. Especially if he is a man of means, or has great wealth. It all depends on how tenacious you are. If you don't show fight and determination; everyone will sit on their hands.
We also have to consider your culture, nationality, and religious-traditions; because defiance in some cultures can be deadly for women. We can't go by the flag icon above your post; because people maintain anonymity by not using their own country's flag.
Why do you remain with this man if you know he sees other women and wants you gone? Why is your entire family oblivious to all this cruelty; and have not come to your aid?
If you are in your fifties, your youngest child would be at least 10, and your oldest would be in their teens to mid-20's. So I speculate you don't work outside the home; and you are forced to depend on this man to financially support you, and the children living at home.
If no one in your own family has offered you any help or assistance; I suppose you are estranged from your family, or distanced from your own family geographically. Women from close-nit families aren't tossed out of their homes by their husbands so easily; unless she has no family-support, or protection. No father or brother sits idly by; while a sister or daughter is treated so badly by her husband. Unless they are too far away to help, or you pushed them away. Isolating yourself to be with a man. One who has now turned on you!
If he is divorcing you, confronting him about the women won't help. He seems pretty confident you can't fight him or do anything about it. It's useless to bluff at this point.
He doesn't seem concerned about polygamy laws; because until your divorce is final, he can't marry anyone else.
If you need to seek pro bono legal-assistance for divorce; now is the time to find it. This man will owe you alimony and child-support for the children under 18. You should receive half of his assets. Even if you can't afford to keep the house; you are entitled to half the profit from sale of the property. Provided there is equity, or if you own it. If you rent, you're out of luck. You have to move.
This man seems to know he has the upper-hand; which tells me you're from another country. He'd treat you a lot better if he knew you had him by the testicles with a good divorce attorney. You aren't fighting him are you? You're just trying to talk him out of leaving you. My dear, you may as well spit in a hurricane. This man is rolling over you like a bulldozer! If you can find legal help, get it. Confront him with a lawyer!!!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 December 2017):
 Seek legal advise, if you are not sure where to start contact an online counselling service, such as Salvo Care Line or your nearest citizen's advice bureau. If you are living outside a major city or centre phone them.
Also consider your financial situation, if you have joint accounts go close them or put a stop on withdrawals.
Depending on the ages of your children it would possibly be wise to give them a heads up as to what's happening, kids are pretty cluey and have probably picked up on the fact home is not all that rosy.
You need to protect yourself here, and do whatever you can to make sure you are not going to be a homeless statistic in the future.
Your marriage is over, your husband left the marriage years ago, all that is left are empty words on a piece of paper, time to look after yourself now, because if you don't take care of YOU you wont be able to make good decisions to take care of your kids. Getting legal advice is essential, do it now, today, before everything closes down for Christmas.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (20 December 2017):
 My parents separated and then divorced whilst living under the same roof, whilst I was a teenager. It is traumatic and not fair on your children.
I urge you to seek legal advice and find out what your rights are.
As he has commited adultery - that is grounds for divorce in istelf.
IF you have dependant children together, he WILL have parental responsibilities with regards to child maintainence, as well as ensuring his children have a roof over their heads. Usually living with the mother - and the fact you jointly own the home, have kids, and HE was the one who cheated/wants a divorce, he really should do the decent thing and move out.
However, its obvious he is a bad husband and father.
Please go and talk to a solicitor, and ask about the family rights - you may find that the law is on your side, but having that legal back up is essential.
Whatever you do - DO NOT BUDGE FROM THE HOUSE.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 December 2017):
 Talk to a lawyer/solicitor/legal advice.
While he might PAY the rent for you to live elsewhere, you can (in some countries (not sure about Australia)) lose the right to ANY money on the house if you leave. So GET legal advice.
Secondly, selling the house might be in BOTH your favors. You can find a smaller affordable place (and he will have to help out financially with the children (if they are his)).
Should you talk to him about the possibility of a bride on the way? I'd say no. What's the point? All you will do is hurt yourself more. He obviously hasn't been a very stellar husband. The fact that he is chasing other women without being divorced from you says a lot of how little respect this man has for you and women in general.
You are NOT protecting the kids by faking anything is wrong. I think you really need to have the "we are divorcing" and here is why. you shouldn't spring a new "wife", a divorce and this kind of drama on them. Have a chat with them. Mostly though, GET legal help.
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