A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background: my husband and I have been very happily married for 12 years. We’ve had our struggles but we’ve always been best friends through it all. I have several chronic illnesses that I rely on care at time from him.Today he told me he thinks I’m emotionally abusing him. He said I plan my illness for went it will hurt him. He said if I would just follow the Mayo Clinic’s protocol for pain management I would be better by now. He said I am cruel to him and don’t care about him. We don't even live in the same nation where the Mayo Clinic is, FFS!!I think he’s having a mental break down and I just want to get him help. He says Im emotionally abusive because when we argue I’m defensive and have a temper. I’ve apologized for that over and over and he said I just don’t care about him.I told him I am trying to be better when we argue but I don’t think I’m an abuser. I grew up with emotional abuse. I know what it’s like. He kept saying I was literally being my childhood abuser. That since I’m related to my abuser he’s “in me” and that’s why I am now abusing him. I remember how emotional abuse felt. How I trembled at every word my abuser said. I don’t think I am doing that to him. We’re normally so happy together. I would never weaponize my husbands emotions. I would never systematically and purposely say something to cause him pain. I try to be supportive. He says i gaslight him when I don’t agree with him but that’s not right is it? I’m just disagreeing.My husband ended up sectioned in the hospital yesterday because he was threatening to hurt himself and texted me every few minutes from 8 am to 5pm. Literally hundreds of messages. I tried to listen and ask questions. He told me I didn’t care about him. That I only paid attention to him if he broke down. That I was emotionally abusive. He brought up my Mayo treatment again and said I choose for it not to work because I gave up. He told me that he was okay with the fact that telling me I was like my abuser was causing me trama. That’s not okay right?When he went to the hospital I thought, here’s help, the medical professionals at the hospital will help us. They released him. The therapist told him He should just leave me. Now I’m more confused than ever. I’m so tired. I’m so heartbroken. My husband said nothing was wrong except with how I was him. He said there was nothing wrong with him and he didn’t need treatment. I wish I could attach some of the messages he sent me. He was spiraling downward into total derangement.When we got back home he told me I was the reason he was breaking down and loosing his mind. That I was an asshole and had to change or he would loose it again. I told him I didn’t think I was abusing him but could we please go see a therapist so we could talk this out with a professional third party. He said, fine, it’s not abuse, I (as in me) is just an asshole who is driving him to insanity.I don’t know what to believe anymore. Maybe I am emotionally abusing him? I don’t think so but I’m just so turned around. Is disagreeing with someone, being Frustrated and impatient when I’m in pain or defensive during an argument emotional abuse? Maybe this is all my fault. What do I do now?TL;DR: my husband is accusing me of being abusive and says I am the cause of his mental breakdown.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2022): Your post reminds me of those times when I could tell that I had not found the right words to articulate the situation precisely enough yet.
'articulate the situation' as in, stepping back enough to put yourself in the shoes of, say, the most intelligent third party who's looking into your situation.
'articulate the situation' as in, this feeling you have when you *know* you've nailed what's going on, and you hang on to that version of 'reality' like the most precious anchor.
This is one of those cases where you do not give in to the temptation of presenting counter-arguments when... *you* are feeling emotionally abused, and somebody's knowledge of your past is being used against you.
You keep quiet, and wait. Not because you're powerless. Not because it's no use. But because you're prepared to let it take the time that it takes for the 'truth' to hit you.
When it does, you'll know you've *nailed* what's going on, and you'll be much better equipped to address it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2022): I guess I'll cut it short for you. You asked a question and here is my answer.Yes, I believe you are being emotionally abusive to him!You have the words of the professionals who released him when You wanted him locked away.You have said you have issues yourself so that may be what the cause is.Quite possibly you don't intend to be abusive but as you noted you have a temper and have apologised over and over.That's the problem.An apology isn't enough.It doesn't bring about change.You have to curb your temper.Maybe you need some one to one counselling.It's not worth dragging him to counselling because you are still trying to be in control of what he says and does.You could and should try some time apart while you work on this problem and maybe as things have really come to a pivoting point you should separate permanently.
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