A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:After ten years together it's natural that there are ebbs and flows in a relationship, but what I'm dealing with right now feels different. I love my husband, he's my favorite person to spend time with, he makes me laugh and supports me in everything I do, I love his sense of humor and his caring nature, he has so many positives and he's cute too. But in the past several months, I've almost completely lost sexual interest in him.At first I thought I had just lost my sex drive in general and went the usual route (saw my doctor, got more sleep, etc) but now I realize that while my sex drive is a little reduced, I do still get the urge to use my vibrator and read some dumb erotica stories now and then. But my desire for sex with my husband is greatly reduced. I don't have a specific reason why. Part of it might be overall boredom with sex, but when I think about adding the usual 'spice things up' stuff, it's not very exciting to me mentally. Part of it might be that there's little to no sensuality in my life. I'll be changing clothes to get in the shower and my husband is peeking and admiring, wanting to be intimate. To me I'm tired, I want a shower, this isn't sexy in the slightest. There's just no mood, and even if we've been cuddling for a while in front of the TV and he moves in for a makeout, I still don't feel that spark.Lastly, I fear that it's just him I've lost interest in. Little things about him have started to turn me off. Not his looks or hygiene or anything like that, but his hobbies and interests. He's always been a gamer, and when he's not at work or doing chores around the house, he's playing video games. I like that he has a hobby he finds fun, but to me this is getting to be a bit of a turn off the older I get. Sometimes I daydream about him working with his hands or doing some other task, or him picking up a book and reading. But my husband has never been a reader, he's never been handsy, I can't ask him to drop hobbies and pick up new ones for my benefit alone.How do I get back the interest I had in him from the beginning, or at least salvage our sex life so it seems more appealing to me? He's getting tired of the no's and I'm getting tired of feeling mentally checked out during sex.I should also mention that we have no sexual experience outside each other and have very little imagination for these things, so 'spicing things up' is very intimidating but not impossible.tl;dr i've lost spark with husband and want to get it back
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2022): Good sex doesn't begin in the bedroom. You both need to make an effort with each other in the romance department.
My husband and I went through a phase where due to his work I had to pick up the slack when it came to housework. Btw, I had two jobs too. My problem was that after working, cleaning, cooking... I simply didn't feel like having sex with him, because I was acting like his mother and not his wife. On the other hand, he got too comfortable in this dynamics. And probably I would have gotten too.
So I decided not stop acting that way.
Don't get me wrong. We didn't get better overnight. It took effort. But when there's a will there's a way.
Having sais this. It is possible to completely and irrevocably lose intetest.
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2022): I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. I think this happens to a lot of couples who are together for so long.
Some couples rekindle their love but lots of others end up in a platonic relationship, fall in love or cheat with someone else or getting a divorce.
I wonder if all relationships have an experation date sexually wise. After some time we miss the excitement of meeting someone new and being in love.
I do think it's great that you acknowledge the problem and want to work on it.
Maybe spend some time apart to see if you can miss him and start longing for him again. Travel for a few weeks with a friend, group or by yourself.
If you're both open to it, you could explore partner swapping with another couple. But you have to have a strong relationship to do that.
Anyway, never have sex if you don't feel like it, it'll only make it worse and you'll get less and less aroused.
Also mention to your partner you have less interest and you're sorry about that (without saying you aren't attracted to him because you still think he's cute).
Don't feel bad if you tried and things don't work out. You're still young and have a whole life ahead of you. With or without him. But ofcourse I hope you can work things out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2022): I might be way, way off and over-projecting on this one.
You indicate your age group as '26 - 29'.
You've been in your only sexual relationship since you've been no older than 19.
You're a woman... approaching 30 years old.
You mentioned your husband doing "chores around the house".
You did not mention 'kids', nor his 'helping with the kids'.
You did not mention ever getting pregnant.
Have you both really for ten years (or as long as you've been sexually active) been so diligent about family planning that you're confident not having kids (yet) is fully *your choice* to both of you?
Could it be that you suspect an infertility issue, and it seems to you that he's oblivious to your concern, and his gamer side only exacerbates matters?
(As I said, I might be over-projecting here though.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2022): Honey it's the vibrator that is pushing you away.That quiet bit of 'me-time' is satisfying you and hubby is becoming less important in your life.But of course it's all in fantasy land and hubby cannot live up to that.However he can still talk and laugh and share a meal with you.If you got rid of the vibrator you would stand a chance of having some feeling towards your husband, if you wanted to.If you sent hubby packing you probably would miss him so think it through.The only other option is to introduce him to the vibrator so he can join in. He might find it very exciting or he might just feel damned annoyed that he's been pushed away and replaced by a man made object.
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