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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I’m writing this question for people’s views and it will help put my mind at rest. My husband lives in a different country from me, he has been quite abusive towards me in the past and I did everything for him. I also believe he is a narcissist and I have plenty of reasons to think this. A few months back he was threatening me that he will remarry if I did not go his country. I refused and said go ahead and get married. I then changed my number as I was sick of listening to his threats and being shown pictures of other women. I am now starting a divorce in my own country, and also I am now going to open my own business. A mutual friend got in touch with me and started to ask questions about him. I knew she wanted information. I told her that he had been making threats, that I am divorcing him and opening my own business. She does actually know what kind of person he is herself. I think he had been telling her a different story so I’m glad I put my side across to her. I then told her in my email that I hope we could be friends but if she wanted to speak about him then please don’t contact me anymore as he is my past. That’s been just over a week ago and she did not reply to me. Also I have never heard anything from him. I want to ask everyone this question please? If he thought that his threats would work and now if he was told all this information by her that I am divorcing him and getting on with my life and opening a business. will this have shown him that I am going straight back to be the person I was before I met him and before he dragged my life down? Especially if he thought that I couldn’t live without him lol!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 December 2019):
 Ok then, to answer your question, it shows him very little, I'm afraid, since it's still early days. It may have been months, or a year since you left him, but a lot of people get back together after an even longer separation. In all likelihood, he'll either bide his time waiting for your resolve to weaken, or he could step up his pursuit and if rejected, he can become a bigger problem. He may find someone else to occupy him in the meantime, and he might even end up marrying but I wouldn't be surprised if he tormented his new wife or girlfriend by being obsessed with you (then she becomes obsessed with you as well...we've seen this plenty of times).I would be very careful about giving out information about yourself and your plans in an effort to show him (or anyone else) you're over him. This information could be used to hurt or sabotage you later on. It's more important for you to be happy and successful than for him to know you're happy and successful. And this mutual friend...I would be VERY cautious with anyone who rang me up and started fishing for information about my ex. She may know what he's like, but she may also, for her own reasons, be more forgiving of his shortcomings than you realise. I don't trust this mutual friend and I think you should keep her at arms length. Asking to remain friends with her comes across as a bit weak, in my opinion.When you answer this friend's nosy questions, then ask her to remain friends, then come here and ask us what we think he thinks of you reveals a weak mindset, someone who is NOT over him. If we, strangers to you and to one another, are picking up on this then so is he. Not enough time has passed for him to even suspect that you're well over him and happier without him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 December 2019):
 None of us has a magic 8 ball that can SHOW us what he might possibly perhaps be thinking. We don't even KNOW him, YOU do. So it's more likely that YOU have an idea of what's up with him.
And while you didn't ASK to get a certain answer, the aunts and uncles who DO answer will do so as best of their abilities not to PLEASE you or make grand guesses. That would be pointless for you and for us.
Just keep moving forward, build the future YOU want for yourself and GET that divorce over and done with so you don't have him dragging on and "living rent-free in your head" as aptly as Auntie Cindy described it.
Chin up and quite seriously, WHY does it matter what he thinks? If you are already starting the process of divorce and rebuilding a future without him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): OK but the problem is that no one knows what he thinks. It's impossible to know that. Only he knows that. That's why the aunts have told you that you need to focus on what *you* think. Do you think you're weak?
I know I don't. I think it takes incredible strength to leave an abusive relationship and it takes resilience to bounce back and start a business afterwards. It's really quite incredible. But the person you need to convince is not him. It's yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2019):
 "how may he feel now that I have finally taken my power back from him ? "...
First of all, you did not. Not completely. He is still pretty much living rent - free inside your head. And if you still care about how he sees you- perceives you- thinks of you - you still have got much work about empowering yourself. When you will actually have reclaimed your power- last thing crossing your mind will be to ask some Agony Aunt what he is feeling.
Second, it would really take a mind reader, not an Aunt, to know what he is feeling . We don't know you, we don't know him… we can only make a guess, and not an informed one.
My guess, FWIW, is that … he is not feeling anything in particular. Sure, there may be a pinprick of hurt pride, … but, have you thought that most probably he simply does not care about how strong or weak you feel or look ? Are you sure he is giving a f..k about your emotions ,feelings and thoughts ?.. Don't take it for granted; au contraire, if , as you say, he used you, abused you , demeaned you etc.etc., well, doesn't it mean that he never valued and never was interested about your emotional state,... to begin with ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): I am the original OP.
Thanks for your replies I appreciate them but all of you have missed my question.
I didn’t ask a question to be told ‘who cares what he thinks’, I asked this question to gain some understanding of how he may feel when now I have finally taken my power back from him.
That was why I asked the specific question in the first place.
I understand what your all trying to say to me but when you have been abused, used, taken for granted etc.. it would feel good at least to know that by removing and getting straight back on my feet, that I am not that weak person he thought or tried to diminish.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2019):
Yeah, I agree, DO NOT worry about what HE might think or feel. WHO cares?!
You are done, so BE done.
And don't open a business until the divorce is final or at least talk to a lawyer first. You don't want him to try and claim stake in your new company.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Does it matter? He might think that. He might make up some other thing in his head. If you're still worried about what he thinks then you're still letting him intrude on your life. That IS normal and it will pass in time. He treated you badly and it makes sense that you want to show him that he didn't beat you. But if you can move towards not caring at all what he thinks then you will be past it. Focus on what you think of yourself! You're doing fantastic after escapin an abusive marraige. Keep doing what you're doing and soon you won't care what he thinks of it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 December 2019):
 Why does it matter to you what he thinks? As you have - quite rightly - said, he is your PAST. Don't look back; you are not going there.
Good luck in your future endeavours.
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