A
female
age
41-50,
*ngie1976
writes:I am a 31 yr old female with a 37 yr old husband of 10 yrs, been together 15, have 2 boys, 4 and 7. Husband I think is going through midlife crisis. Last yr he decided to have an affair for 2 months in which i caught him in, he then moved out, said he didint love me anymore and wasnt happy but didnt want to leave his boys, and he enjoyed his "family life" with us , he was just confused, 3 months later he moved back in, said he wanted to work it out and stay with us and me. About 9 months later, he again started having all these feelings that he wasnt in love with me and he thought all these feelings would come back but they havent and he doesnt want to keep hurting me by showing me no affection whatsoever unless its sex. He still had no problem wanting that-which i know its basically for his own personal pleasure not anything much else. And he says he had such greta sex with his mistress that he wants that back- he cant get that with me, and that he thinks he wants to have that while he still can, while he's still young. He hasnt seen his mistress to my knowledge, and i really do believe him, i think he would have cut me off if that was the case. He moved out again, and of course about 1 month went by and he wanted to come back, and we went to counseling and he participated in it, but he still didnt know what he wanted, he says he doesnt want to divorce but he doesnt want to keep living this way, he's very confused. I have been reading about men's midlife crisis, and it says they go on for 3-5 yrs, its been almost 2 yrs. Should i try and wait this out , he hasnt been mean to me at all, he helps out with the boys all the time and around the house, he pays all the bills and wants me to live in our home. I want affection from him but i read that men dont like to give it during this time. But i feel like I'm doing him wrong by divorcing him, even after all he has done to me, and not giving him the time he needs to work through this by himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): My only answer for all of us is to marry a 65 year old man. He has gone through his midlife crisis, he won't go through this again, he won't be able to remember to do it. It's midlife, he's not going to get a chance to go through this again, not with you at least.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): My husband is in a midlife crisis himself. I stronly believe in them! I think you should wait it out. It is easy for people to say "divorce him" and then they go home to their husbands. My husband is 45 and took up with an 18 year old. Now tell me that isn't sick. But he is my husband and I love him and I pray many times a day that he will come home. You have to do what you feel in your heart, not what everyone else tells you. Midlife crises is a very real thing, it changes their whole personality and everything. If you love your husband the way I think you do, wait it out. He sounds like a good man, he is just mixed up!
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reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 You sound like a very resonable lady, maybe a little too resonable. I wonder if it had been the other way around would have had you back.
I am sorry but I dont believe in the Mid-Life crisis thing either. We all have our ups and downs in life, but we dont go crapping on our partner, when they are obviously such a good person.
The reason he keeps coming back is because he can. As soon as he starts to miss the home comforts he comes crawling back. Great for him, but what about you?. How do you know he is ever going to change, because look at it from his point of veiw (why does he have to).
You need to think more of yourself, you could meet someone that wont put you through this anymore.
Another thing, what does this say to your children.
When the going gets tough, just bugger off and leave for while. Till you want to come back. I pity there partners in the future, if this is the roll model they are seeing.
You deserve much better honey.
XX
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reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (13 November 2007):
 You love him that's a fact. He must have love for you because he keeps comming back. Something in your relationship is more important than keeping his mistress. You need to talk it out with him and see if you can find out just what he is getting out of the realationship that he has with you. It must be something special because you keep him comming back!
In some ways everyone has need. You fulfill some need in his life. However when you say that he has never been mean to you the truth is that after 15 years it wasn't mean it was downright AWFUL! He showed you no respect as his wife or the woman who stood by him thru the years. Not to mention the Mother of his children!
You will have to be the one to take a stand. Make your feelings known about how you really feel deep inside about his indescretions. If you don't think you are angry with him, you are only covering your feelings to protect everyone involved. Never be angry at youself it isn't your fault.
Communicate what you want and expect in order to keep the marriage. If he can't see things more your way then you will have to make a serious decision. When you tell him how much you love him but you can not and will not keep putting yourself and your children thru his moving in and out. It is not fair nor is it good for the emotional well being of your children. It is not good for yours either.
I do believe that if you can save your marriage then you should. I am sure that you believe this too and that you really love your husband. He is smart enough to realise that when he is away from you something is amiss. It sounds like he is a good Father otherwise as he spends time with the children and helps out around the house. He is also making sure that things are provided for financally. Count yourself blessed in that.
You said you think he would have cut you off it he was seeing the mistress hopefully this is so. It doesn't necessarily mean that it is true though. On the other hand he could be just emotionally disconnected because of the bordem that can come with being married and falling into a rut* as they sometimes call it. It could be the stress of daily life is getting him down and causing him to suffer from some sort of depression. It might be a hormonal change in his own body. Men do have these too!
There are times when everyone feels out of the loop. They become confused about who they really are. In the struggle to maintain a balance in their family lives they get overpowered with all sorts of emotions. When this happens we all have to make personal choices. You made yours by standing by him even though you knew he did wrong. I am sure you did this because of your children and for the sake of the marriage itself but also because you LOVE him.
You just have to conclude what is the best thing for you and your children. Your husband is the one who broke the marriage vow and committed Adultery. You have forgiven him and in hopes that things will work out you are here now asking for help. I do hope that you two can reconnect and put your marriage back together.
Keep going to counseling, let him know how you feel aobut everything. Stop letting him use you to fulfill his needs. Don't call him as frequently. Be kind but let him see what it is really like to have the tides turned. You don't have to date or anything like that. Work on your marriage. Tell him he needs to get an apartment or something for a little while to give you two time to work on this. That you will expect him to not date either. You two need to take a break from haivng anyone else in the picture at all. This will give you more time to be objective about your own feelings (especially his towards you). Don't sleep with him. Just in case he is using you for this.
Practice the self love and let him see who you really are by just being your own wonderful self. Treat him as a great friend. Do things that you once did when you first started out. Let him remember who he fell in love with. When the time comes to make love to him again.. Let him really be connected.
When someone cheats remember that Once is SHAME ON YOU....but twice it's SHAME ON ME....but when you love someone ....try with all your heart. Never stop for that is true love....yet don't be used or abused. Be wise enough to know the difference.
Just so you know....I have been there. I have a very loving and forgiving heart just like yours. I don't believe in divorce. My husband was not quiet like yours but the hurt I felt was unbearable. The damage this did to my self-esteem and to the emotional well being of both my children and myself was almost unrepairable. After 16 years I still love him but I had to move on. It was a hard decision to make but one I had to choose. He cheated over and over and I forgave him. Then fianlly left to be with one of his affairs and moved in.
I divorced him because it was the only way I could get support for my children. He married her after the divorce. Alot of people who know them both including my children say they aren't totally happy. He still stares at me when he sees me. He is protective over me in some ways even with her. So what's missing? ME! I gave something that she can't or won't. Maybe the emotional attatchment? Who knows really? You just have to talk and work it out. I pray you do.
I pray that your marriage can be saved. This type of thing can cause a chain reaction and usually ruins lives for many years. It is up to you to get control the best you can of your own life and that of your children. May God lead you to the path you should follow. Seek His will. Pray for His Divine intervention.
Blessings to you and your family. God is in your court!
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (12 November 2007):
 Hi Angie - sorry to hear of the situation you are in. You sound as if you are coping quite well given the circumstances - but maybe you felt OK at the time you typed out your question.
Mid life crisis - what is it ? It's not a proper condition. Hormonal, environmental, psychological - nobody really knows. There are no consistant clinical characteristics. It's existence is disputed by many in the psychological and medical professions. The point I'm making to you is that you should not be taking account of the thing we call 'a mid life crisis' because by doing so you are likely to miss the genuine issues in your marriage. At best, a mid life crisis is a syndrome with such a wide range of symptons as to make impossible to predict it's effects and outcomes.
It would be better to focus just on the relationship between you and your husband. It appears you still wish to give the marriage another chance. So let's now consider him - and whether he wants to save the marriage - and what we can read into his behaviour in the absence of any clear decision by him. He had an affair (bad) - but it didn't last long (good). He moved out saying he didn't love you - but then he moved back! He said he wasn't happy - went and lived somehwere else. Moved back. So presumably he wasn't happy there either. He says sex was great with his mistress - so why isn't he still with her then - why is he with you? The reality is he hasn't told you her bad points otherwise he'd still be with her.(maybe she was lazy, moody, short-tempered, critical, grumpy). He claims sex was great with her - or just different - or maybe it was just for his own personal pleasure! Again if she was that great - why aren't they together now? After moving back in with you, he then had a period of time to reflect - and consider his needs properly armed with his previous experience. He decided to move out. But then after one month he's decides it's not for him and he moves back. Presumably he was unhappy with both these situations to change them - but one he could bear for nine months and the other he could only bear for one month! He has attended counselling and participated (good). He says he doesn't know what he wants, but he doesn't want a divorce (more good than bad). Yes - you're right he is confused!
Something is keeping him with you and the house. It could be the boys. Or it could be that the alternatives are no better.
What a situation he has brought on the family!
There are times in life when you have to take a gamble - do something decisive. Do something that stops the stalemate. I think Angie, you are at one one of those moments. You are right, one option is to "wait this out." But how long do you put your life on hold? What is he going to learn over the next six months say, that he doesn't know already? Is something going to magically happen in his head one day? I don't think so. The other option for you is to do something very decisive (not necessarily divorce proceedings). Something that either does do something magical in his head or that makes him learn something he doesn't know already. You have already put up with far more than most wives would have tolerated. You have more than enough justification for divorce. You gave him a very generous chance after the affair - and he rejected it when he moved out again. I think you should get serious - show him you're not being abused any longer and do something along he following lines:
State clearly - these are your terms: Give him 21 days to make up his mind - Stay. Or go. Go means move out and get divorced. Stay means - commit to staying. The problem is he could say he'll stay - but after a few months change his mind. So stay means - commit to staying - commit to the future - book a holiday for whole family for next year and another holiday the year after - yes two holidays booked and paid for 2008 and 2009. I estimate two holidays is around the same as cost as divorce. He let himself in for the divorce cost when he had the affair. And again when he moved out. The money either goes on the divorce OR on two holidays. His choice. (I'm sure you understand the logic of this - whatever the estimated cost of divorce is in U.S. - apportion that over two holidays. You'll need tailor this to suit).
That's the best I can suggest. I hope that it has given you something to think about if nothing else. Good luck.
Richard.
Just a thought - do lifelong bachelors ever have a mid life crisis or does it only happen to married men??
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): I think that he is having more than a midlife crisis. I think I had my midlife crisis after I was 60, about 3 months ago. It lasted about 2 months and is now trailing off and getting better. I was confused about my wife's feelings for me. I would think that she didn't love me one day and that she did the next. I would feel that she didn't like having sex with me one day and that she did the next. I had this desire to have an affair, probably because I saw it as my last chance. I made no attempt at it, though. We even talked about divorce once or twice when I was feeling really depressed.
Those were the bad things. The good was that we talked about it. We still had good sex when I wasn't feeling like she didn't want sex with me. I still spent more time on her enjoyment than my own. We argued some, cried together some, but still spent most of the day enjoying life together normally. The main thing is that we talked constantly. We only stopped when we would argue. We would calm down and then talk again. Communication is the second most important thing. Love for each other is the first. I guess the reason that I stopped thinking of an affair is that I knew in the past that she was the best partner that I had ever had. We still had great sex after 28 years and we both know it.
I think that Mandy7 and Cateyes have given you some good advice. The reason that we did not split up is because we knew that our life, both daily, intimately and sexually was still nearly as good as it was after we first met. Once I started getting over my "midlife crisis", things have so far been better than they have ever been. I don't know how I will feel next month or next year. Neither my wife nor I remember that I ever told her that I didn't love or that I didn't like sex with her. I was much more afraid that those were her feelings toward me.
A lot of people have these crisis in their relationships. They can only be worked out by constant communication. Communication is always important, but it is critical in a situation such as yours. The problem is that it takes the commitment of both people. If one is not truly committed to solving the problem then it will not work. It sounds like you are committed. He may or may not be committed. It is difficult to say. It does sound like he needs serious counseling. I agree with Mandy7 that he is not being nice to you saying those things for 2 years. My wife put up with my problem for 2 months. She didn't like it, but she was committed to our marriage. I doubt if she could have stayed committed for 2 years. Maybe she could have forgiven me for a short affair, if it had happened, but I doubt that she could have stood for having me tell her how much better the other person was. She would have left me, and rightly so. As she just said as I am writing this, "That is downright mean." I agree. It has to be your decision, but you have given him a lot of chances to solve his problem and have been more than understanding. Good luck and I hope that you can solve this and be happy again.
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reader, Cateyes +, writes (12 November 2007):
 Personally I do not think it's a mid life crisis...it's him or both of you not being able to communicate effectively. If he claims he was having great sex from his mistress, why cannot he achieve that with you? If it's because you are still hurt from him having his affair which makes it hard to move on properly and that's if you can, then I suggest counciling to help you both but that's if both of you are really trying to make your marriage work.
If your sex life was not the greatest before this happened, this is where you have to realize that. If you can overcome him having an affair, then both of you should enjoy and make your sex life the greatest through commuincating what you enjoy and what you want before and during sex. Do you think he may see this and that's why he feels sex now with you is "just" sex? Sometimes, we take sex for granted and then just roll over because it's done...but is that what we really want? There's more to sex then just intercourse, and I think maybe I would start off by asking him what he enjoys and you let him know what you enjoy.
You may and may not be able to make your marriage survive, but you would have at least given it a shot. You also can never know to...he could be trying to have his cake and eating to...but, I'm sure you know that as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Hi Hun,
He hasnt been mean to me? Having an affair and telling you he no longer loves you is not very nice love, I understand that as we get older there are feelings of I wish Id done this or I missed out on that and im knocking on 40.
As women to can feel a certain amount of regret or depression due to getting older and wishing we had done things differently sometimes, But we dont all run out and have sex with someone else then tell our other half how great it was and expect them to be over the moon because at least we know that our partner is having a great time elsewere but he doesnt want to leave the family, And when you make love just how does that make you feel, Knowing that sex with the mistress is so much better.
How can you feel the need to make yourself desirable for a man that has said this to you, Well you cant really....
Affection is important in a relationship, How can you show true affection for a man that has told you he doesnt love you, There are a mountain of questions you could ask and he can just say midlife crisis so you plod on in the hope it passes and everything goes back to normal... You are coping and trying to help and understand him, Who is helping you with all you have been through, This is your life to sweetheart when do you get to be happy.
I couldnt do what you are doing hun, My heart goes out to you, You do have alot to think about, as you said you feel in the wrong for divorcing him, I personally couldnt have him around me after all thats happened and been said, I would feel unloved unwanted and need to sort my life out so I certainly felt better in myself as you must feel just terrible, Im sorry that I cant help all that much, I hope you do get some help for you and your confidence and you feel better to deal with this soon, I just cant see him showing any affection after what he has said as it wouldnt mean anything hunny, Please take care of you lots of love MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, gb38sc +, writes (12 November 2007):
Sorry about your situation
I'm sorry ... i do not believe in the mid life crisis thing ... I understand about mixed feelings but you dont owe it to him to hang around for the crisis to be over hes an adult and should handle it as such, maybe im not so sympathetic be cause i was cheated on by my husband of 17 yrs ... but i do not believe there is any excuse for infidelity ... Im not saying your marriage has to be doomed but id be careful ..once a cheater always a cheater so they say
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