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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I posted before but have added some more information. I'm not sure where to begin as I'm totally lost but to cut a long story short my husband and me have been having some problems over most of our marriage (we've been together for 22 years and got two children aged 17 and 19). He has always been moody and can be verbally abusive towarde me but also a good provider and very loving caring father. I found out just before Christmas that he was having an affair with a younger woman from work and over Christmas he told he was leaving me for her (she is ten yrs younger than me). I feel shattered and devastated and can't stop crying and worrying. I have no idea what to do and worry that I won't ever get over him won't meet anyone else or be able to rebuild my life. Does anyone else have any experience re how to cope, make a new life and is it that easy really to meet someone else at my age (I am 52). I keep hoping it's all a big mistake and he will come back through the day and say he was wrong but he seems so determined. He sways he only stayed so as not to ruin Christmas but on Boxing Day this all came out. He says he has strong feelings for this woman and she has been strongly encouraging him to leave his family and they've been seeing each other for over a year. She seems to be a single parent from what I can gather and wants someone to support her financially. First of all I pleaded with him to stay, then I got angry and since yesterday I haven't heard from him at all and he hasn't even phoned his children here to say hello or anything. Is there any point me talking to this woman? I have no idea what to do. I know our marriage has not been perfect but I do love him and don't to lose him for good and I'm terrified about life alone without him. I can't understand it because I have always looked after myself, kept myself trim the way he like it and made an effort with our sex life and i've alse made big efforts to support him with his moods and emotional problems but sometimes over the years he has hurt me so much with his comments calling me a 'bi*ch' and blaming all the arguments on me and saying things like 'you really do talk bullshi*t' and 'you are mentally unwell you are' etc etc .. so I'm not sure what else I could have done to prevent this and actually some of my friends have said they could not have put up with him and would have divorced him years ago. Also he has suffered from impotence on and off for which he blames me and he blamed his ex gf years ago also for his impotence then. He refuses to get counselling saying it is me that needs counselling and that anyhow if we did go to counselling he would 'wipe the floor' with me and i would 'regret it'. #I have stuck by him all tgehse years through all his difficulties and now for him to just walk off for a younger woman who seems to have a very strong hold on him. She is also apparently telling him that she does not want him to spend too much money on our son's birthday present later in January and he is listening toh er advice so she already seems to have a strong hold on him. Any help would be gratefully appreciated. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Did you resolve your problem? Please post an update.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): I know how you are feeling. I have been with my husband for 18 years. He was my college sweetheart. He was the most wonderfulest person in the world. He was my everything. We married had 2 children and he always told me that divorce is never an option. We had our problems but they were small in nature. Suddenly his behavior changes after he comes home from Texas in 2007. He started having these emotional phone calls to this woman. He started treating me like crap. He mentally and emotionally destroyed my character. I became very weak. There was nothing that I felt that I could do at that point. I tried talking to him, but he kept shutting me out. He moved out for about a month and a half and said that we needed the space. He did eventually came back home but the marriage kept crumbling. He made me believe that things were my fault. I was the one pushing him away based on my behavior. Being unstable and all. He started going out of town, turning off his cellphone etc.. typical cheating behaviors. Now we are about to be divorced and he is moving this woman and her child in with him from across the country. I cried and cried and cried and still continue to cry. I blamed myself and asked GOD why me? I also said that will there by someone out there for me? But we have to put the hurt in the past and begin living for the future and know that's it's not our fault. GOD took him out of your life for a reason and that reason could be many i.e. he is no longer the person for you, something may come your way that is better. Learn to depend on and love yourself and know that the pain and hurt is put there to make you grow stronger!
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reader, Beingblack +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Angzw has just written some brilliant advice. I have never been in your situation, so I cannot claim to know what you are going through, but clearly Angzw has.
All I do know is that you are obviously in immense pain. 22 years is a long time, and you need to feel that it was all worthwhile. And you are supoosing that all those years, and all those things you went through together, must mean something to him too.
Easy for me to say, but this is not a time for reflection. He openly claims that the younger woman is more important, and even if he is making a massive mistake, you deserve more respect than what he has shown you so far.
You have to be strong. Learn to love and respect yourself. There is far more to life than waiting hand and foot on a man who turns and calls you a bitch, blames you for his own inadequacies, and questions your state of mind.
Somewhere, there is a good man waiting for you to turn a corner in your life. Stand up straight, hold your head high and look life in the eye.
You have done nothing wrong.
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (28 December 2009):
You need to buy this book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson. It has step by step advice for how to deal with your man. I think you can buy it second hand with shipping included for $4 on Amazon or rent from library. I would recommend that you immediately stop the crying and pleading because all he will think is 'you are pathetic'. I would suggest that you do not look haggard with your make up running and all to try make him feel bad. Tidy yourself up, spray some perfume and let him see what he is missing. If you do not reconcile with your husband and once your crying has subsided, just remember: while you are crying feeling sorry for yourself pining for him, he is getting on with his life having a good time. So don't stop your life for him. My partner did this to me several times until I decided to move on with my life. Now I am dating someone who cares about me. Don't immediately want to meet someone, work this thing through and work on yourself inside and out first. When you are ready, there are men who would date you. You can register a profile on the Internet dating sites; many for over 50's. Thats my sensible side speaking.
My vengeful side is saying it might be nice to dress up and look really respectable and held together then make an appointment with both their supervisors to ask them if this type of behavior is encouraged at their workplace then give them full details. This will humiliate them both and will make things awkward for them at work. A friend of mine did this and went a step further by taking a few of her husband's older clothes in a trash bag to his work, torn undies and all, left them at reception with the pretty girls he tries to impress every day. Her husband broke up with the work woman because be couldn't stand the humiliation, scrutiny and judgement from co workers! The supervisor was on his ass too making sure he wasnt using company property and time for his affairs. The key is to dress well so you are not written off as a loon. Ok, maybe this is a bit crazy and not a good thing to do but really, he is wrong to treat you this way and you now need to start putting yourself first from now on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): I think you may find the following link interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder My husband had an affair and it has helped me come to terms with the whys and hows. Its not about you. Perpetrators of DV always try and push blame onto their victims. He doesnt want you to succeed. He is in control at the moment as you are doubting yourself. Dont focus on getting into some new relationship, make peace with yourself, make yourself strong. That alone will attract people in the future. Bet you are a good, kind hearted person. I know I am now, but they do make you doubt dont they.Be strong, let him do what he has to, he will anyway. Wish him the best of luck, hope he is happy! he will need all the luck in the world!!! Just dont stress yourself out over it.Good luck!!x
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reader, Denise32  +, writes (28 December 2009):
 I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a devastating experience with your husband having an affair, and wanting out of your marriage. Especially over the Christmas holiday........
Whatever the problems in your marriage, you have made efforts to be as supportive of him as you can, and to attempt to work on your relationship. Not to mention that you have your children to think of, and the toll this has (and is) taking on them. Your husband sounds like a very angry man. If he is so determined to leave, there's really nothing you can do to stop him.
But what you CAN do is to contact a lawyer and start to find out what your rights and options are in terms of who gets the house; child support (if it still applies); and splitting the property, etc. Do you have a job? Could you support yourself?
Are you close to your family? Your friends? How about your therapist? If you are still seeing him/her you should be able to expect good counselling and psychological support in dealing with the ending of your marriage.
Good luck to you, and I'm sure other aunts and uncles will be in touch.......
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