A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for two year but have been with my husband for ten. We both wanted to wait til we were done with college before we got engaged.Well now I am the one with the good job and paying the mortgage, while my husband still works his college job. He lacks the confidences to get a job in the field he went to college for. He tells me his work sucks and why give up the job he has now to he fired from another job then he wont have any job. I have tried talking to him about this so many times. I tell him all I want him to do is atleast try but still he has been out of college for almost four years and hasnt even applied for a job with his degree. I dont know what to do. It is driving me crazy.
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male
reader, gregorsamsa +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Well, as the old adage goes: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. In this case you can lead the horse to water, tell the horse "it's really important to me that you drink" and then hope it does so.
Graphic Design is a great degree because you can find a job that matches it exactly. Show your husband the opening and let him know that it's important to you that he at least applies. Tell him he only needs to apply and see what happens from there. If he wallows in self-pity (e.g. "they won't hire me anyway, why should I try?") call him on it and tell him that it's a lame excuse (maybe in kinder words).
If he doesn't get the first job he applies for (which is likely) don't let him do the whole "I told you it was no use," bit -- again, that's lame and I'm sure he knows it deep down too.
Different things are hard for different people and this is obviously difficult for him. You'll BOTH be happier if he has a fulfilling job, you just may have to drag him through the process kicking and whining.
He'll thank you later for doing so :-).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Facts don't lie, and whether or not he lacks confidence or motivation to find a "real job", you need to realize that he probably isn't going to change or else he would have already made it happen. I know several erudite scholars and professional students who for some reason or another can't seem to make it in the real world. The real world is about competition, not some entitlement mentality in which you expect to have it all laid out in front of you because some graduated with a degree. You have to prove yourself, build relationships and network, be accountable...all that good stuff.I know people who mow yards for a living and they make a ton of money doing it. Some of them started out mowing grass but have since moved up to where they own their own company and are motivated enough to go out there and garner market share. Lack of motivation and accountability can kill a relationship; you can only live on love and looks for so long, especially when the bills are piling up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Thank you for you thoughts...He did get his degree in Graphic Design. In high school and College he won awards for his work. And when he works on little things I am like omg thats really good and his response is " you dont know what your talking about". I am currently also going for my masters in mathematics and its annoying me that I am doing everything to improve myself and add to our life for our future and he is still changing tires!!!
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A
male
reader, gregorsamsa +, writes (4 January 2012):
Hello,I wanted to address this question, as I found myself in a situation similar to your husband's soon after graduating college. For me, going through school was structured and simple: one studied, met a goal, achieved said goal, then moved on to the next class. Once I entered the 'working world' I found that it was much less linear and well-defined and felt lost, alienated and disoriented. My confidence was gone as it seems your husband's is. Similarly, I found comfort in a menial job with zero responsibility -- inertia is strong in this case when the path forward seems so daunting.I know you're thinking "well I did it, why won't he?!" but my first recommendation would be to stay supportive (as I'm sure you already are). Of course that doesn't prevent you from giving your husband a necessary (figurative) kick in the pants. Without giving an ultimatum, make sure it's blindingly clear to him how very important this is to you.The next step depends largely on what kind of degree he has. If he has a degree that leads to an obvious set of jobs (i.e. Computer Science, Chemical Engineering, Architecture, Graphic Design) then I would say that you should just do some serious hand-holding to start him out. With the CS example: find software companies in your area, look at their open developer positions, show him the position, spruce up his resume, etc. etc. If with ALL that help and the knowledge that it's very important to you he still can't find the motivation to apply then you have some serious reckoning to do re: the sustainability of your relationship.If he had a degree that doesn't lead to an obvious job (i.e. English, History, Political Science, Philosophy) then you'll have to start the hand-holding with the "what jobs appeal to you?" question. Be prepared with ideas/suggestions and don't take "I don't wanna," for an answer. Again, if he can't even muster the will to think about this (and knows how important it is to you) then you have some difficult questions to ask yourself.Best of luck.
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