A
female
age
30-35,
*ittlemomma
writes:I'm having some issues. My husband has been away at BCT (Basic Training or Boot Camp) for 2 weeks. I know it hasnt been that long, but it feels like a month already. I thought I could rely on the comfort of family while he was away, but instead I'm having to deal with family saying stupid things and bashing his decision to join the Army. I've even lost the trust in a friend that was like a brother to my husband 'cause only a week after he left, his friend tried to have sex with me!I'm a total wreck and I dont know what to do! I dont have many people to talk to/or even trust now. I may be loosing my job soon, I'm raising a 9 month old daughter who was completely adicted to her dad and is having seperation issues herself, we have very little money and loads of bills to pay but I want to fly over to see his graduation AND our daughters 1st b-day is coming up! I havent recieved ANY paper work from the Army yet regarding ANYTHING about id/medical/what unit he's in/where to send letters/nothing. I'm having sexual issues ('cause when he was home we were..well bunnies I guess you could say) now all of a sudden nothing at all. I feel cold/depressed/lonely/ect ect ALL the time, and have lost intrest in almost everything. I barely eat, or clean house, I dont even feel like taking care of my daughter half the time!!! What I have writen here isnt even half of it...but it gives you a general idea of what's going on...I need to know what's wrong with me?!?!?! I know it's normal to have issues but I'm going into deep depression again I dont want to! I need help!Please....
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (1 March 2009):
 You are welcome hun. Keep us posted
A
female
reader, littlemomma +, writes (1 March 2009):
littlemomma is verified as being by the original poster of the question thanks guys I appreciate the help!Um, part of the problem is that I cant move to base until after he's done training. So I'm stuck at home. I know if I was on base or at least around other military wives it would be easier...it's just I'm not. I cant take any of those classes or do support groups until I move with him. I just read some where that if a soldier is going to be at AIT for 20+ weeks that his dependents move to the base or surrounding area. Chris will be gone for 22+ weeks, so maybe I'll get to move sooner than planned. I just dont know...I fear that if I leave my daughter with family more than I do already 'cause of work, she's going to feel I'm abandoning her too.About the sex, it's kinda embaressing but my husband bought me a dildo before he left. He said he "wanted to know I'd be taken care of". It's just everytime I do think about using it, I loose interest. I guess it's just 'cause it's not him. I dont know.I do still do some things, like yoga/excercising/work/ect...it's just even doing them I have no interest. I do do things to keep busy I just dont enjoy them...I feel kinda numb I guess.About his family. His mom especially is always getting pissed off and almost yelling at me saying he's stupid, making a death wish, abandoning his family, ect ect. That's what the hard part is. I expected the stupid questions, but not having ANY support is worse I think. I have like 2 friends who do support me and one of them is a TOTAL air head and mainly thinks her problems are worse in any case. Im completely depending on my other friend for comfort right now and it sucks 'cause I know she has her own problems too. We do help each other out, I was just expecting more support I guess.About evenings and weekends, I actually work graveyard and double shifts on weekends so that aspect of things are a bit complicated. At work I have to stay awake...but aside from giving meds/recording vitals/and doing feedings...not much to do. So I'm stuck sitting here at my comp for 8 hrs or so.I guess I am pretty busy if you look at things, it's just I still cant help but tear up a bit everytime I think of him. Or freak out a bit when yet another day goes by and NO word from the Army about anything.See I have depression issues 'cause of my childhood abuse. My husband literally saved me from my living hell about 3 yrs ago, and I've helped him get through a lot of things. We are supper close and this sudden seperation is taking a HUGE tole on me in soo many ways. We were seperated for 6 months before, but he could call every day and we'd email and such all the time...now it's NO contact except like 5 minutes on the phone maybe once a week.I know once he goes to AIT and can contact more it wont be quite such a problem (as we've done similar before) it's just in between now and then that's killing me...I just wish I knew what all was going on, and that my depression kicked in at a later time or earlier....so bad timing...Anyways, Thanks again for responding! I appreciate it more than words can say!!! Thank you!!
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (1 March 2009):
Hi hun.
There is not much I can answer to the excellent response from Emilyanswers. I would agree that living on base would give you extra support. In Canada most bases have a family resource centre which offers caycare, activities for wives and children and...what you need right now which is support. I would check into it. The army is increasingly aware of the stresses placed on those left behind and they are trying to step up.
You do sound like you are isolated and depressed. The stresses on significant others of those who are deployed are strong. Would it be possible for your family to help with your nine month old to give you some time to yourself?
I agree with the above poster that the two week mark is when the reality sinks in. Were you having any signs of depression and anxiety before your husband left? I am going to be honest. Many military marriages are fine but there are some which do not last due to some of the things you mention above.
You are a wife and mom, yes but do not neglect your interests, the things that matter to you and which make you who you are. You need to find another focus, could be volunteer work, just something that will bring you into contact with potential new friends. People you could go for coffee with, share your fears with.
As for the sexual thing, that is tough. The strength of your marriage will be tested I think because of this. This so called friend of your husband illustrates what you could be up against. Military marriages face strains that civilians cannot understand...can be really tough.
Hang in there hun. I will watch for your posts and help when I can. I am an army brat myself and can relate.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 March 2009):
Hiya,
I thought I had to send you some advice on this one as I'm an army wife and my hubbie has been to Iraq more times that I've had hot dinners now. (Well, maybe not that much but he's away a LOT)
Over here we wives get briefed on this kind of thing when they go away, but then we all live together on the base, and I'm guessing you don't have other army wives to lean on. Perhaps finding some other wives in your hubbie's unit to email and chat to would be helpful? Ask you husband to ask his mates as you will all be in the same boat.
Right so:
You've hit 2 weeks, this is when it really sinks in that he's gone, and your bed is cold and empty and the kids are driving you insane and you get TIRED.
You'll go through stages of this. Some times it'll all be good and you'll be a super efficient wonder woman, and other times you'll realise that he's not there and cry yourself to sleep.
I'll deal with general advice in a sec but to answer a couple of your points:
Family and friends: They are useless, no matter how much they think they are helping. "Do you miss him?" and "Are you worried about him?" are 2 incredibly stupid questions that you will hear a LOT while he's away. you just have to accept that people are stupid because they don't understand.
Sex: Buy a vibrator. No it's not the same. No it won't cuddle you afterwards. But it will take the edge off and help you relax / sleep. Some times you just NEED a mind blowing orgasm to be able to go on with your day. Buy a "rabbit" online if you are too shy to visit a sex shop.
So, how to survive deployment???
We deploy for 6 months at a time, and I think it's different for you, so you'll have to adapt what I say.
Find some new hobby, a new course, a project to do and think how much you can get done while he is away. You need to have something to fill your time. Evenings and weekends are worsed so palm the kids off on the grandparents and go out. Join clubs / groups and have FUN. Do not sit by the phone all day.
You just need to accept that things will be bad some times. You'll have days where you can't get out of bed, you'll get silly school girl crushes on people (they are not real, they are just your husband with a new face because your sub concious hasn't got him around to use) you'll change and so will he.
Get onto the army and get as much info on what to expect when he comes home. Your kids will all react strangely depending on age, and he will take at LEAST 6 weeks to settle down and get back to normal.
I haven't got time to write more but if you post here when you have problems I will try my best to help.
Good Luck!! xx
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