A
female
age
41-50,
*nuff
writes:My husband had cheated on me in the past for 3yrs straight before he told me even though I had asked and knew (feeling) it was going on, we worked through it and he promises it will never happen again, etc I've recently found various strands of hair on the inside of his shirt from the collar down to the back and waist area, not his hair or mine, it wa s med/short and curly, I asked him about it and he became outraged and said it could happen to anyone and he didn't know. Also I had noticed when doing his laundry a few times a week heavy stains in his underwear from sexual arousal (cum) and we are in separate places during the day and had not had sex during this time Does this mean he is cheating again?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 Everyone is innocent until PROVEN guilty. Dirty laundry is not "proof" sometimes we men can soil our underwear while watching porn or just having a daytime fantasy. Don't go overboard just because there's a past problem.
A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 4 posters have said he is guilty and I say you need more to go on, I would not normally say this but in this case, I say you need to find out to put your mind at ease, it is often the case that if you take back a cheater you will always have a dough in the back of your mind, sadly you now have grounds to look for real proof, how far you will go to get that proof is up to you,
you could even go and get a privet eye if it will put your mind at ease, that all depends on if you can walk away from him today and not have something in the back of your mind as to was he or was he not, it is only you that can say if this relationship is worth keeping or if it is time to cut it off,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): I think the evidence speaks for itself. We tend to know our partners and we notice even the most subtle of differences about them. Be that a change in their mood and personality, or something strange that seems totally out of place.
Who gives a flying rat's pa-tootey he got angry??? That was to intimidate you into your usual role of submission. That's exactly how a narcissist works his magic. Turning his sins into your fault! Twisting things and driving you insane.
You allowed this man three opportunities to correct himself; but he only saw your forgiveness as a weakness. He took advantage of your willingness to maintain your union; and apparently he does not value your trust. He sees you as desperate and pathetically needy. You are not wrong to want to save your marriage, but then you must save yourself.
Self-preservation is a law of nature, my dear!
Usually when a spouse forgives a serial-cheater, it is due to some sort of insecurity or co-dependence that will not allow them to let go. Even when they've seen the cheater is not changing his or her ways. They may assume or claim love is the motive; but often jealousy and a possessive-nature will overrule our better judgment. Fear of failure and worry of what others may think. Fear that we were not able to fix what is broken in our relationship. Fear of material losses and financial-security falls in there as well.
Then comes the worst excuse of them all. Age!
With time and familiarity comes complacency. We grow very used to our partners; and fear being left alone to fend for ourselves. Being detached is terrifying! Being older, we fear that we no longer have the physical-appeal and energy that we once had, that gave us confidence to search for romance and sex. Leaving someone was easier, because we felt confident we'd find someone else to take their place.
Divorce is expensive, grueling, and emotionally draining. So is living with a cheater who doesn't give a damn. Your medical bills pile-up, you need therapy, and your self-esteem drops beneath the floor. Eating becomes a means of comfort; and drinking (to the point of abuse) becomes self-medication.
Women feel insecure, because they presume most men want youthful lovers with tiny waistlines and perky breasts. Men are less concerned about our appearance, and will use money and success to compensate for our shortcomings. If you're a poor guy, that's not an option; so you'll settle for short-term romances and random companionship. Avoiding commitment like a disease. Fearing too many demands you can't fulfill.
I think one (or more) of the reasons I gave above made you hold on to a man who cheated not once, but thrice. Then yet again. Well, for as many times as you're actually aware of. It's what you don't know that hurts the most.
Every-time you let him off, he only sees how desperate you are to cling to him. He fears no consequences and he's immune to your feelings. He selfishly follows his impulses and comes home to you where he finds stability in marriage. A live-in housekeeper, another source of income, the incubator that provided him with offspring, and a never-ending source of forgiveness. You feel responsible? Maybe you are. Does living like a martyr help?
Somewhere I also think you have a hidden secret or guilt that makes you feel he deserves repeated clemency for his betrayal. He may have even lowered your self-esteem to make you feel you're lucky to have him. Then being mature there is the old school of thought that divorce is not an option. Be it a matter of religion or cultural tradition. Thinking you're supposed to fight for your man, even when he's been a total dick. No sweetheart, there is no rule you most hold on to a philandering jerk who doesn't give a sh*t. You can bury yourself 12-feet in denial, but this mess isn't right.
Well, have you had enough? Has he tapped-out his supply of pardons? Will it take an incurable STD or actually seeing one of these women to finally make you realize this must not continue?
You have to have more respect for yourself and your feelings than he does. You must put an end to his persistent betrayal. Even if you know you're not perfect or the best wife; you are a human being with feelings and rights.
I think you know what it's time to do.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 July 2017):
 Well, your cue is here, in your words:
"I asked him about it and he became outraged..."
His reaction tells you all you need to know, and unfortunately, it does not look good for you.
A guy who has been caught cheating, whose wife had him dead to rights, and is interested in making the marriage work doesn't react with "outrage", UNLESS he's hoping to intimidate you off his trail with his anger.
Otherwise, if he were a contrite husband faced with his wife's accusation or questioning, and he was innocent, he would not become outraged. He would reassure you for however long it took that his primary goal is loving you and rebuilding your trust. He might even be irritated if you're accusing him constantly and might whine about the past being in the past, or that he wishes you'd "get past it", but even in that frustration, he'd acknowledge that he put that distrust in you with his cheating, so eventually, those crisis situations will dissipate over time if both of you work towards rebuilding your marriage.
Also, you didn't mention whether or not you two went into marriage counseling after you caught him. That is a MUST in my opinion if you uncovered 3 years of systematic betrayal (i.e. an affair vs. a one night stand), because there is a bunch of stuff that malfunctioned in this marriage, and if both of you were in counseling to try and unravel where it went wrong and strengthen the weak spots, he wouldn't be rushing from zero to OUTRAGE at the first sign of suspicion if you had caught him before.
I think it's very possible that he is cheating on you. At the very least, your marriage is dead if the sum total of your marriage repair after catching him cheating is to find hair and underwear stains on his clothing and him to get outraged at you as if you were some controlling crazy person and he's never cheated (that stuff HAS happened in relationships when one experiences extreme unfounded jealousy or obsession) on you.
You can't go on like this. I'd say give him a choice. Either you two enter marriage counseling and really take the time to work on your marriage, or it's over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): The hair thing I am not sure of however the 'cum' stains are no way an indication of sex... putting those things aside do you see the same signs as before? ?....if so leave him if you don't want to leave then talk to him and tell him you need reassuring if he cares he will reassure you as often as you need .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): I would say YES with that kind of evidence.
It is so obvious.
Icing on the cake is his outrage. It's cause you caught him. Again. And he is trying to fool you. Again.
You've played the fool long enough. Time to kick this fool's ass to the curb.
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