A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband cheat on me and told me that is was an ongoing affair for a few months. He revealed that he loves her, but says he loves me and wants to work out our issues. He swears he will never do it again. I agreed to go to counseling and to forgive him. But it is really hard. I am constantly checking his emails and cell phone records and I have found that the story he told me was not entirely true. Can I ever really trust him again? Will he do this again in the future? I love him but I am not sure that I really know him anymore. He was my best friend and I have no one to talk to other than him about this. What should I do?
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (5 January 2010):
 You should go to couples counseling, not just go alone. You need to understand what made him cheat. It is usually a symptom of a much bigger problem; such as he no longer wants to be married; does not find you sexually attractive; is bored, depressed, or has addiction problems. Whatever the case, it'll all come out in counseling sessions you both attend together. It won't be pretty but it will probably uncover some answers and then you'll be able to make a better decision for the future. If he really wants to make this work he will have to stop cheating and it will take you months, maybe years to trust him again. That's his fault, not yours. Don't feel guilty. But do be prepared to live without him if necessary.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): If you follow CaringGuy's advice, please talk to your counselor first on how to best do this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): You need to open up to a female friend and let out everything you are feeling. Try to make it someone who isn't affected by your relationship. Can you go see a therapist on your own in addition to your couples therapist? That might be even better.
Be honest about your desire to talk to someone. Tell your husband you are going because you need to, don't hide it from him. If he is against it, tell him he hurt you and this is necessary for your healing. You need to talk to someone other than him.
Your husband is hiding things because he doesn't want to hurt you or (hopefully not) because the affair isn't over.
If it is because he doesn't want to hurt you, leave it alone. He is also trying to get through a hard time. Reminding him of the affair without a counselor there to guide things might not be helpful.
If he has truly turned over a new leaf, you will notice that he has become different and more receptive of the things you are saying.
The affair happened because something was missing between you two. Please listen to your couples counselor. If the two of you can find that something, you will know him again and you will be able to trust him. Listen to what he is saying. Try to be compassionate to his pain even though he doesn't deserve your compassion.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 January 2010):
Before you can trust him again, he needs to be totally honest with you and face up to what happened. I think you should confront him about what you have found and demand that he comes clean about everything. If he really wants to make it up with you, he has to be honest about what happened, or there can be no trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): If you are hacking his e-mail and phone, you don't trust him. How long have you been doing this, before he admit to a relationship or only since? It is not fair to him for you to do that, especially since he came to you and he at least admit that he was having an affair. He wanted to work on your issues, and try to rebuild trust, and honestly - how can he do that with you if you're spying on him?
Unless the difference in the story is that the affair is still going, I would let it go if you want to stay in the relationship. He probably wanted to tell you something which could mean that you could work through your issues and he could be honest with you, without having to go through all the juicy details - or maybe it's just his side of the story. Everybody's truth is a little deviant from the objective truth.
Otherwise, if you plan on going through his e-mails for the rest of your life, just leave. It's not worth the crazy.
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