A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Okay. My husband has told me he has filed for divorce. We have been separated for 8 months now. The first 4 months he did have interest in us going to marital counseling and working on our marriage. We had been married for 11 months when we separated and before we married we were together for 6 years. The reason he wants a diovorce is because at times in the past, I wasn't always supportive. Because his mood swings and irritability due to his major depression was a lot to deal with. He's also a perfectionist moreso when he was irritable and a workaholic at all times so that was also difficult. So when we got in arguments I was not the best wife to him. I would get really mad and yell, all of that. I had my times where I was down and he was supportive and sometimes not supportive but I understood that with a marriage we would have to learn over time how to be supportive to one another. Doesn't mean I wasn't mad at him at times. I used to get very sad and then mad when I felt I wasn't emotionally supported by him. I realized I was under lots of stress in the marriage and I needed to get a hold of it so I started to get involved with my church more, spoke with a counselor when I needed and that really helped me get through things and understand and not be as sad or upset. We had financial stresses in the marriage as well at times, but I don't think that was much of a factor for him as much as his depression and our regular marital problems were factors. Everything became too much for him and he tried to commit suicide with pills and when I found him and he came to he then tried to walk to the kitchen and cut his wrists. When he went into the hospital, the first few days he was wanting to work things out with himself and be better for himself as well as be better within our marriage. Obviously I was so overwhelmed by this I decided to do all that I could to support him no matter what. For some reason after the first maybe 3 days he was in the hospital he started to distance himself from me when his family came to visit him. He has major issues with his parents even since he was a child and I do believe that a part of him really needed the attention and care from his parents at that time, but he immediately distanced himself from me and we have been separated ever since. I believe that would round out all the reasons from the past for why he wants a divorce today. However, I love this man and I know he loves me. Even though he has major depression, he can be the sweetest person and nicest person in the world. We have actually had more great times than those bad times I've mentioned above. We are so close and so in love with each other that my family and close friends cannot believe we can't work this out. Obviously, I'm the one who can put things in perspective much easier. We have THE best fun together. We make each other laugh and smile so easily. No issues at ALL with sex. I mean, wonderful every single time all the years we've been together. Both on the same level in libido so it was always great. He is also a genius. I love that about him. Our conversations are so wonderful about the world, the most complex things he works on at work and when we say nothing at all. If I had to give a perscentage of the times he is depressed it would be maybe 30-40%, however I'm the one who understands that working out the kinks in a new marriage are understandable...he does not see that right now. He did understand these things before we separated though. It was just hard for him. This person I feel is my soul mate and I his. I know he truly loves me because he has told me recently even after he said he filed for divorce. I really want to fight for my marriage. All marriages have troubles and I think we could survive even him filing for divorce. I truly believe my husband doesn't truly want a divorce. Somehow he feels a divorce is the answer to all of his problems though. I know him and I just don't want to be divorced and he contact me a year or two later wanting to reconcile. I cannot do that to myself knowing him so well. So I want to do all I can. After all this, what can I do right now to get my marriage back? For all responders, I fell in love with him at first sight and he with me. The love runs very deep. Thanks in advance for any help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again,
I initially wrote my question anonymously, so all my responses are anonymous as well, but my screen name is:
Pocahontas08.
Oh and another tidbit of an update for folks who are going through the same thing:
I am not dating at all right now because I am not divorced yet. I will be on February 4, BUT even after that I don't see myself dating again for a good bit of time. I just want to focus on my education until I am ready to be "single" again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Risingfromashes!
First, I want to say thank you for your response! I truly appreciate that you reached out. At times I felt like, "Am I the only one who has gone through something like this?"
I just wanted to give you an answer to your question about an update on my situation.
Okay, so it is January 23, 2010. I took my ring off at the end of November/beginning of December 2009. That was a big step. I just decided that my husband has to WANT to get better for himself and for a marriage, any marriage for that matter. I cannot be his God, his mother, his father, his sister, his brother, or his priest. I am not those things, and never will be. I decided that when 2010 began, I would have an absolutely NEW outlook on life and I decided that I was definitely going back to school to pursue a biology predental degree in order to go to dental school and become a dentist. This was a dream I sort of put on the backburner since it took a lot of energy out of me while I was dealing with the hard times during my marriage. AGAIN, my husband and I had more good times than bad times. It's just we are not on the same page. He believes a divorce will solve all his problems, and I don't. Simple as that. I am willing to bet a million dollars that he has not been back to counseling recently either. The last time I spoke with him was in November, but the last time we short emailed each other (about diovorce papers) was in December. But he seemed to still harbor anger, resentment, embarrasment, just all kinds of negative energy. We've been separated for 11 months now. Seriously, there is something wrong with that. I now believe that you don't really know that you are in an unhealthy relationship until you are out of it. I am finding that to be true as I heal more and more each day. I do love my husband deeply, but he is unhealthy. HE has to consistantly get help. HE has to want to keep his values about marriage. HE has to want to be on the same page to save our marriage. He is not those things. So, I have to move on with my life. The divorce papers came to my address this week, and it was 2 pages long. That was it since we are not fighting over anything like property and don't have children together. If I want to contest it, I have until February 4 (15 days after service). I will not do that. I am allowing the divorce to proceed. Once it is official, I will get my maiden name back, I've already gotten a new email address, and I am changing my cell phone number once the divorce is final. I have to continue to seek peace in my life because dang it I deserve a little consistent peace in my life. I've moved now, and I am enrolled in school for Biology Predental and I absolutely LOVE it!
I thought I would die from the pain I felt about my separation and subsequent knowledge of my husband filing for divorce, but I didn't. I did not die from the pain. I'm okay now, and I just take it one day at a time. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I believe God has a lot to do with that.
Thanks for all your responses. I truly appreciate them all.
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female
reader, Risingfromashes +, writes (23 January 2010):
I wish I could ask you what has happened now. I'm going through a verrry verry similar divorce with my husband. He said he would get better after trying to kill himself in the same way (I had to give the heimleich and call 911). But we were working things out for a while even though financially we were stressed. My mom was interruptig our life and he decided to go home to Mississippi (from CA) since he didn't feel welcome to my moms even though I'd stay with him. Also he would prepare for us moving there in Summer. New years eve I made an over-the-phone speech about how things were changing for the better already and we would have a new start in MS. The next day he said "I'm not ready for a relationship...I want a divorce" he still hasn't explained why except for the arguments we haven't got in for months (until he mentioned divorce). He says it's a last resort but hasn't tried mediation or anything! (he had been depressed and is possibly bi-polar, the doctors were prescribing meds for bps buy he wasn't taking them). He called to say there's no way we can fix it but that he's not happy no matter what. I already signed the papers in faith that he won't file them but he says he's going to. I ended up crying today because I was sorry I didn't realise how unhappy he was and how I'd do anything to change it. He said we can't talk if i'm going to cry and hung up. He called back later to apologize and talk. He's starting to drink more now, and says he can't sleep. I feel bad for him but I am beyond confused, I want him back even if it means being re-married one day. (we got married in the army and never had a wedding or honeymoon anyways!) I'll probably put this in a question but don't want to delete it all here! Sorry, about what you're going through and I hope you are feeling better now somewhat at least. I admire you for being brave and picking yourself up though and Persuing life! Go get 'em, be happy and don't apologize for a minute of it! Best wishes and god bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: I decided to just allow for the divorce proceedings to move forward with my husband. He filed and I have fought a good fight to try and save my marriage from this devastating process, but I will give him what he wants and that is a divorce. I know he loves me, but right now he is being very selfish and I don't deserve someone who treats me that way in a marriage. I now believe that if someone files for divorce, that takes major balls. So, even though it is against my faith to divorce and I am breaking a sacrament within my religion, I am allowing for him to serve me the divorce papers. Some of my family have said that I should serve him with divorce papers, but I don't want to do that. I just want to give him what HE wants and move forward with my life. I am 27 with no children, I'm educated, and I'm HOT! It's his loss and it's a shame that he didn't hold on to his values and threw away our marriage. I can't cry forever. It does hurt like hell, but at some point I had to make a decision to move on and be happy with myself and my future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): I feel like I could have written this myself. My husband filed for divorce, and I really don't want one. I love him with all of my heart. He has always been supportive of me, but I have never seeked help for my depression and I think it took a big emotional toll on him. Unfortunately, it took me being served with papers to seek professional help. However, it has been three months of separation and he goes back and forth. I hope things work out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, LazyGuy, for your response. I truly do appreciate any and all responses. I just wanted to speak to your point of: "a good wife never argues with her husband and accepts his will and command". I do not identify with that at all. I am very opinionated, sometimes to a fault. Saying what I felt was never an issue. I do agree that I was brought down by his depression, but it's something that I dealt with a while ago. It was inevitable within the relationship at some point but I got through it. And I do agree with you, it DID take a lot of energy out of me, but my feeling down was a short term problem.
He does not physically abuse me either, just for the record. I just wanted to clear up your accusation on that.
I do think that depression is a serious issue which is why I had allowed so much time of this separation for the both of us to heal.
I do believe that his depression has gotten a great deal better, but I think for him, as a very prideful person, he is somehow embarrassed by the suicide attempt. I think now he believes that getting a divorce will allow him to "forget" the past problems so he can keep his pride. I am completely in love with him and I do firmly believe that love does conquer all. I just need to figure out what to do now to save my marriage that he has better health coping tools due to therapy and I have had time to heal from the horror of that situation myself over these last 8 months of separation. I just believe because we have not been married very long he doesn't realize it's okay to have health issues and continue to be married.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 "All marriages have troubles"
Not to the point of suicide my dear.
"So when we got in arguments I was not the best wife to him."
Why does that bit read to me as "a good wife never argues with her husband and accepts his will and command".
If you two get back together, then what is it going to be like? You constantly having to give in, change yourself to not upset him and all his mental problems?
You insisting that things are so nice some of the time is DANGEROUSLY close to the behavior beaten women have when they claim that when he doesn't smack them around he is so good to them. Not saying that abuse is going on here, but the excuses sure sound similar.
If you two want to make things work, then it got to be both of you. He needs to sort out his depression and you need to get a lot thougher on that subject. He can't expect you to just give in whenever he gets upset about something because of all his mental problems. Well, unless you always want to live on a knifes edge where the knife might be slicing his wrists again.
And you seem to suffer from depression as well? That is a lousy combo, you will constantly be dragging the other one down with your own depression. If you two can't even work out your problems on your own, how the hell do you expect to do it together?
People often underestimate depression but it is a serious mental illness that destroys the will to life. If one person in a marriage suffers from it, then it often takes all the energy of the other partner to deal with it, to pull the other person out, again and again. if both suffer from it, then who is going to do the pulling?
If you want to fight for your marriage, you got to fight the depression, in both of you. Even if yours is only minor, since his is big enough to lead to suicide (and that indicates a lot more because depressed people are to depressed to do something active as suicide) there is no room for you to even have a period of feeling down. Two depressed people together will only drag each other down.
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