A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, married for about 3 and we have a 3 year old son. Our relationship has never been super wonderful but I’m still here and I am happy some times. My issue right now is sex. As a wife am I supposed to be ready and willing at all times?He has always made me aware that he needs sex, bj, anal, hand job in my opinion anything to make him climax. If I don’t give him what he wants in some way the next few days will not be pleasant for me. So in the past I have just given it to him to pretty much shut him up. It sounds horrible but its the truth. I work he does not, I got to school he does not, he only stays home with our son to take care of him. He is a wonderful father and helps sometimes around the house. I feel like he EXPECTS me to do whatever he wants. Actually he told me last night as a wife i should give him head when he asks for it. But i feel like that is unfair especially with what happens after i say no, if i have the balls to say no. He will start to throw a fit. At first it will be anger and violence. He would yell, punch things or himself, call me names, tell me im pretty much a slacker wife and at this point its about 12 am or later as we go to sleep late. the day after or DAYS after he will ignor me, talk shit to me, call me names, tell me how bad of a wife I am , accuse me of cheating on him constantly. A lot of time he doesn’t even initiate anything. He just lies in bed and doesn’t say a word, kind of just waits to see what happens. I know he wants me to go to him on my own. But i don’t feel that desire, I'd rather go to sleep. I feel that has changed due to some of these things that are going on. But if he comes to me and starts to kiss me, you better believe I will be ready for him. I need that love attraction intimacy and he just needs to get off. Its completely unfair to me i think I feel deprived of having him be nice to me for no reason at all. He tells me that he has been nice to me but i don’t feel it. But when we have some good lovin, he IS nice to me. But why does it take sex to make him nice? Last night it was late and my son was off b/c he has been a little sick so he took a late nap and was awake real late with us. I was trying to put him down and going back and fourth between his and our room. I finally laid down with my husband and i went to lay in his arms and he threw me off. Said that he was jacking off and was hoping to finish before i got back in bed. again he never tried anything on me. All he told me was that he wanted to cuddle and i got busy with our son for a few minutes and the next thing i know he is jacking off and mad at me b/c i didn’t go down on him. I don’t understand this behavior. We then started to talk about this and he was fuming mad yelling punching cursing (im sure our son was not asleep yet) I was trying to calm him down and I KNOW i could have easily just go down on him and all would be just swell. But that is degrading in my opinion and I’m sick of doing that as I have done in the past. I feel all I am worth to him is sex nothing more. But he is telling me that as a wife I should be willing to just give it to him when he wants it. But more so lately I am feeling that is unfair and that I am missing something in our sex life. we have talked about this several times in 2010 and agreed that we would work on this in 2011 but its not looking so groovy so far. I have asked him to love on me, come kiss me, come make out with me for 10 mins like we used to and get me in the mood, don’t force me to give it to you knowing the consequences. I feel like it is a job, its another job i have to attend to after i leave my work place, satisfying my jerk of a husband.We have many issues I just need other opinions. As a wife am I supposed to be ready and willing at all times? Please any opinions, advice, experience will be incredibly helpful.
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hand-job, in the mood, sex life, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (18 February 2013):
 Hahaha, wow. You're husband is a good con artist.Let me fill any woman here in who is being fooled by these dicks. If you are willing to give anal to someone to be a good wife, you are what many, many men, including myself, desire.I don't desire you, because you do what you are told.I desire you, because you get pleasure being a good sex partner.Do you know what that makes me desire to do? It makes me want to go down on you for an hour, pound you good and hard and make you cum a whole bunch, and then go down on you again when I finish. Then, I can promise you, you would be aching for me to make your ass ache. That is how sex should work. Mutual pleasure gets a man a LOT further than this nagging to have sex bs. If a man is not willing to kiss on you in order to get in your ass, then not only is he selfish, he is damn lazy and will not amount to anything, ever. Divorce him. If you submit to a husband, make it to a husband that makes you WANT to submit and EXCITED to submit.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 o, the only "expectation' we as husbands have is to love and respect9the "vows" don't include sexual activities if they happen to occur that's icing on the cake not an expectation. if the situation were reversed would he comply?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): You need to retaliate against him, don't let him push you around like this.
He demands sex - you refuse. He starts raging at you, you rage back at him!!! You throw him out of the house, throw his stuff out of the house and change the locks on him. You're the one making the money and paying the bills. He does not get to come back into your house until he can treat you with respect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): He's being abusive to you. He's showing total disregard for your wellbeing and needs. He's completely self centered.
If he demands you give him sex anytime he wants, well then you have the right to demand he do whatever you want, whenever you want, in return. somehow I doubt he'd reciprocate.
My husband used to do similar. He wasn't as violent as yours - he didn't punch or smash things or cuss me out - but he expected me to give him sex whenever he wanted it, and if I didn't (cos I was tired or not in the mood) he would get mad at me, stomp out the bedroom, pout and sulk, slam doors, and give me the silent treatment for days. Or he would just force himself on me and ignore my indignant protests. He told me it was my wifely duty.
For a few years I let him do this or I would give in to him to keep the peace. I found that it was faster to just give him the sex than to endure days of pouting and silent treatment. But as the years went by I started to enjoy sex less and less. The less I enjoyed it yet continued having to do it on demand to keep the peace, the more I hated it and the more I hated him.
About 2 years ago I snapped and couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was being raped. I started refusing sex and holding my ground refusing to let him bully me into it. This threw him into a raging fit like I never saw. But I stood my ground because I just coudlnt' do it any more, I felt like my dignity was being torn to shreds if I let him keep doing it to me.
So I stayed firm in my refusal to have sex. I was afraid he might get violent but he didn't thankfully. Instead he spiralled into a clinical depression and blamed me saying he was in a depression because he felt so rejected. He gained 50 pounds from his depression and lost his job, lost his friends, and blamed it all on me. Now that he was 50 pounds overweight and jobless I was visually repulsed by him on top of hating him. We haven't had sex for 2 years now. In fact I can't even stand it if he touches me in any way, not even if he touches my arm. I go to great lengths to avoid any accidental physical contact like accidental brushing against him if I'm walking past him. If that happens I feel an instinctive shudder inside me. he says this makes me even more depressed and it's all my fault.
We started seeing a marriage counselor. it didn't help. He started being nicer to me (because he wanted sex) and I started coming around forcing myself to lighten up more and relax around him to where I could tolerate him touching me on the arm without me going into a panic. but because I wasn't "progressing" at a fast enough rate for his liking he would relapse into fits of anger or sulking if he pushed my boundaries and I would put up my walls of defenses again. All the marital counseling in the world won't save your marriage if your spouse disregards instructions.
I fell into temptation and had an affair. Yes it was morally wrong, but from my affair I rediscovered my sexuality and what it felt like to have my body respected and appreciated by a man. I was amazed at how comfortable and natural and beautiful everything was with this other guy. with him I could become a sex addict so easily. I relearned what making love really was - sharing your mind and heart and body with someone else who respects my personal boundaries and how wonderful it is to share your body with someone who is not abusing your mind and soul. I realized that it's not that I have a psychological blockage about having sex, it's that I have a psychological blockage against my husband because I feel unsafe with him and hate him for violating me for so many years.
Now I'm getting ready to divorce him. I should have done that long ago before I had an affair. But better late than never.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I was so enraged when I read this, I did not bother reading what the other aunts had to say, I just had to start saying something so forgive me if I repeat what others have already said.
I suggest you leave this deranged bastard. Being a wife is not supposed to feel like a job, both partners in a marriage should feel privileged and happy. This is not a marriage, this sounds more like a prison for you and it is not what you need. Your son does not need this either. He seems to be treating you like some sort of a sex slave rather than his wife so leave him and let him pleasure himself. You are absolutely right when you say that this is degrading and it is what got me so incredibly angered just now, you do not deserve this sort of abuse, this is not what a marriage is supposed to be like.
What you want, the romance and the intimacy, the freedom to be completely happy without having to have sex or perform sexual favors is completely in your reach if you leave him and find someone who will do that for you, seek to make you happy and you will make him happy without ever having even thought about sex.
You have done enough, more than enough actually, you have been a good mother to your son, you have sought to make your husband happy even though you are always at risk of having him rain hell upon you for no other reason than he was sexually unsatisfied. It is immature of him and disgusting. You deserve someone so much better and I think you will agree that your son deserves a better father, someone who will not yell and cry and become a frenzied demon like a six year old boy who does not get what he wants.
Usually I would recommend talking to him, but from what I read, talking will do little to help, he is not likely to listen or take into account that you are hurt by this. This type of person is not worth words anyway. You have tried haven't you?
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This guy is a coward and punk. Do your best to get out of this relationship for you and your kid. My wife seldoms gives me BJs and would never have anal sex, but I still cherish her and never force her to do these things. My wife would cut my balls off, if I acted like your loser husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): He is abusing marriage and you. Marriage did not buy him sexual favors on demand. That sounds more like slavery.
I do not believe that marriage gives either party ownership over the will and body of the other. He is being abusive and terribly wrong.
In this sort of enslavement... I can hardly understand why you would remain in the marriage.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 His attitude sounds like something out of the Dark Ages, not 21st century America. Sure, an active and mutually satisfying sex life is an important part of a successful marriage. In that sense, sexual "favours" are indeed part of the deal. The word favour implies a gift you give willingly. But he's not receiving favours, he's coercing you.
Engaging in sexual activity when you're not aroused can be unpleasant and even demeaning. That's not what most of us visualize for a happy marriage. But unless you stand up for yourself nothing is going to change. So far he's learned that he can bully his way to getting what he wants. Don't let him get away with it any more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): i dont think that u need to be ready at all times. thats not right. i take pleasure in trying to get my girlfriend in the mood. idk if u said u tried this but have u tried to initiate it? u know the kissing and stuff, if he doesnt like that wile ur kissing u could be touching his um yeah. i can understand if u guys never do anything (idk if thats the case) but he still shouldent act like such a child. go with 10 min of kissing and loving gets him 10 min of head. or when he does do what u want (if he ever does) get right on it and give him a good time. he will pair them with each other and will do it to get what he wants, u both win.
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A
female
reader, bittersweet83 +, writes (3 January 2011):
 First off - big hugs! I cannot believe you subject yourself to this day after day. You are worth so much more my dear! To answer your question...You are absolutely NOT expected to do anything you're not comfortable with. Love making is supposed to be pleasurable for both involved. It's supposed to make you feel loved, special and beautiful. It sounds as if he's making you feel the opposite. I understand it's hard given the circumstances. You've been with this man...If I can even call him that, for several years and have a son with him. I can assure you that your son is not oblivious to what's going on. Without a doubt, he can sense the hardship that envelopes this marriage. Your husband is abusing you! Plain and simple! Trust me - there is somebody out there that will respect you and love you with all they have. Your husband is treating you like a toy that he can use and abuse whenever he likes. Please stand up for yourself, or at least for your son's sake. Get out, and start a new life. You are worth it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I am so sad to heard that, but he is very selfish person, he does not work, he does not go to school, he is thinking just about himself,,you are doing everything for him and for your son..be wise and smart, think about you, you are a very good woman and you deserve more than that...
take your time and think about all this situation, pros and cons...and you will find the answer, sometimes is hard but that will be the best for your future...don't be his maid..because you are not.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Hi no you should not be willing at all times, sex takes two people and they both need to want it also they both should be getting pleasure from it, and he should be wanting to pleasure you instead of being so selfish and demanding that you meet his needs, have you asked him has he ever stopped to think what your needs are. He sounds completely self centered to me.
You need to sit down with him and tell him you cant put up with this anymore, you are not a sex slave and you should not be treated as one. You need to tell him how you feel and warm him if things dont change then you will have no option but to leave as you do not want your son growing up and thinking it is ok to treat woman the way that he is treating you.
This needs to be sorted soon before your self confidence vanishes. The only option is to sit down and tell him exactly how you feel if he doesnt change then am guessing the right thing to do is leave him and see how he realises that he needs to change.
Goodluck.
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