A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am recently married. I did not marry at all until I was 50 years old and have always been very independant. I guess, that's why I am having some trouble adjusting to married life, step motherhood, etc. But, I love my husband very much and he's a good man and I am determined to make my marriage work. I waited a long time to find someone like him and I don't want my years of independence to interfere with our relationship.There have been times during our courtship and marriage that he has been a little critical of me but not much. He's basically been very good and understanding. He had a disasterous marriage and I think he wants to make ours work as badly as I do. Last night, we were at my sister's house and my sister was having a problem with a computer she had just ordered. I offered to call customer support because there were parts missing from the package. I thought I was very nice but firm with customer support. I'm used to being a single person and sometimes having to be very firm to get things done. After I hung up, my husband (right in front of my sister and brother in law) said I was being a "hard-ass". He did not say it in a joking manner. He acted angry and said I had been really rude to the customer service person. I did not feel that way. I felt I was nice but firm. I was so embarrassed and my feelings were hurt. My sister did not act like I had been rude. I deal with people on the phone all day with my job, and I know the difference between being rude and firm. Rude gets you nowhere. Firm gets the job done. Anyway, that's been my experience.My husband is a very passive person who will not take the initative to solve any problem. He then criticizes me for the way I handle it.After we got home, I told my husband that I didn't always agree with what he said and did but I would never criticize him in front of others and I expected the same courtesy from him. I told him if I ever said anything that he didn't like, to tell me about it afterwards, not embarrass me in front of others.Did I do the right thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Excellent points here. So in an argument one doesn't have to be right and the other wrong. One doesn't have to put the other in his place. There must be a special softness in the conclusions and not only to avoid this. In this way there are two winners. Brilliantly put by Rhythm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): Hi, I also am in my early 50's and never married, I am so glad to find there is another soul in the universed like I am, and it gives me hope that I may someday find my prince. I also have a professional job and have been dating a man for a couple of years much younger than I am and it has been very tough to say the least. Because of that I am always reading relationship books, I think they have taught me a couple of things that I think may apply here, you decide.
Sometimes in a relationship, men get "annoyed and irritated" with our "gifts". You from your own description are independent, competent, and can be tough when needed and soft as well, like me. Where the problem lies is when we overuse those gifts and we can go toe to toe with a man....when criticized about our gift (because there is nothing wrong with this gift) we try to be more "perfect" instead of being vulnerable. No man wants to be with a women who is tougher and rougher than he is...(think ego).....so we become rigid in our behavior....and it keeps men away from us emotionally....sometimes. So the solution to that is to watch those gifts you have and don't overuse them and take a chill pill when it is pointed out to you, be more vulnerable to your man....easier said than done I know.
Secondly there is a difference between conflict and argument. You cannot avoid conflict, it is the wrong thing to do.....so well done there.....That said....Conflict is a disagreement with someone, an argument is a way of resolving a disagreement. It is therefore possible to have a conflict with someone and not argue, but it is impossible to argue with someone and not have conflict...Every argument has one thing in common, neither side feels like they have been heard by the other person. You can disagree with your husband but if if he doesn't feel you understood him, he won't listen to you....Here is an example of what happens when Sally tries to get her point accross to Harry:
Sally: Harry, I need to talk to you about something please.
Harry: OK
Sally: I didn't say anything last night because I didn't want you to get angry in front of your friends, but it made me really embarassed when you said how happy you were that I had lost so much weight.
Harry: What are you talking about? I meant it as a compliment, didn't you heaar me? I didn't say you looked terrible before, just that I think you look better now.
Sally: But why did you have to say anything at all especially in front of everyone. Don't you see how embarassing it is to have my husband comment on how fat I used to be?
Harry: So, I shouldn't say anything? You are always telling me how I should open up more and when I do you get upset.
Now this type of thing happens in so many ways. Sally is making a legitimate request of Harry, but Harry doesn't hear her because he feels she doesn't understand his intentions...Never mind that she understands his intentions perfectly, in his mind she does not. She is trying to make a point and in doing so he does not think she is listening to him. Shouldn't he be doing the same for her, yes he should, but if Sally had just engaged in conflict with Harry, it would have worked like this.
Sally: Harry, I need to tell you something is now a goo time?
Harry: Sure. What's up?
Sally: Last night, I am sure you meant well, but when you complimented me on loosing weight in front of everyone, it felt embarassing.
Harry: Oh, don't be so sensitive, I meant it as a compliment.
Sally: Actually, I could tell you did, ....
It just makes me feel a little self conscious when you point out my weight in public, even though I know you meant well.
Harry: Oh, sorry about that.
Now it may seem that Sally did not get the warm empathy from Harry that she wanted. But she got something much better, by not arguing with Harry (by trying to get her point accross to him), he was able to hear that he had hurt her. And by keeping her tone low because men are very sensitive to how a woman says something, he didn't tune her out because he didn't like hearing what she was saying and how she said it.
Boy, men are tough aren't they?
Hope this helped you out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): You did the right thing. I'm not surprised that you build a connection with people over the phone as part of your job because I also think you have taken correct steps to manage your differences. Your husband may have had a bad day but hopefully was receptive to your message to avoid similar incidents in the future. I am sure you can come up with situations where being too mild brought you less than desired results at work. People will often need an impulse, even to do their job properly, so being firm is a necessity, I agree. This doesn't exclude politeness, of course. May I add that your manner to deal with your husband's attitude can be a good lesson for others about not losing temper and letting the matter rest in order to discuss it later reasonably and quietly.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 February 2009):
 Absolutely, you were right to pull him up for it and showed him respect by doing it in the privacy of your own home. That's what HE needs to learn to do too if there's anything he's not happy about, either to ask if he can talk to you for a moment or wait until you get home. What he did was show you lack of respect pulling you up in front of family.
You could have kept it in like a lot of people do but that's not the answer and it only harbours resentment. You did the right thing. Communication is one of the cornerstones to a successful relationship so well done and keep it up.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, unique-angel +, writes (6 February 2009):
yes you did and well done!!
you've not ended your independence instead your saying to your husbhan i respect you but do the same back and opening communicaiton.
i wish i could have half of your independence. well done :) and you did good
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