A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OK, I have been married for over 10 yrs now and we have been very happy. We have 2 kids - the oldest is 12.Kast weekend we had a party and my husband drank a lot of beer that night. My daughter had been at a friends house, and the mother "Ann" brought her home. When Ann showed up, she noticed that we had about 15 people here (adults and children). She asked if she could stay a wil and I said yes. I had meet this woman several times before in short spurts due to our children being close friends.She did not have any beer and seemed to be fine (other than her reveiling clothes - but she had just lost 90 lbs). After a while a few of the guest had left. Ann asked if she could get in my hottub. I said sure. She went over to the tub and dropped her shorts and got in (she did still have on her underware and shirt.After a while she kept bugging my husband to get in - She was very aggressive about it, he did finally get in in his t shirt and underware. I was not worried as I know my husband would never do anything wrong with another woman (or so I thought). I was sitting about 6 ft away facing them, there were only 2 others and some children still here at the time (the kids were inside by now).I was sitting there talking to my friend and noticed that my husband had hardley spoken to any of us. Then I noticed Anns foot in is crotch! I sat there to see what he would do. Next I noticed that he lifted his hand from the water and sucked his finger!!! HELL I have been with this man long enough to know what he just did!! I was very pissed off and the thought of kicking him in the head and beating her a$$ was all over me.I went to confront them, and all I could vision was my daughters face. I did not want to hurt her. I then told my husband to get out of the tub. I shoved him into the house to confront him in private. You know he denied it all, but I told him I know him too well and that I had seen it all.When I went outside Ann was trying to leave. She asked me if I was gonna folow her to pick up her daughter and I said no - just go. I did not want my daughter or hers involved in this. (I had told her earlier I would follow her and her daughter could stay here) Ann left.I spoke with my friend who was there adn she told me what she saw happening in the tub.The next morning I confronted my husabnd again now that he was sober. He said he did not remember everything, but did admit to touching her. He would not admit to his finger entering her. I then told him to explain why he would suck his finger - he could not. I told him I know what happened in detail.The hubby said he did not want to even get in the hot tub. Well ya know your over 40 - I should not have to say anything. He said that Ann had rubbed his crotch with her foot (same thing my friend seen) HELLO - that would have been the time to get out!!! He then said that Ann grabbed his had and rubbed her crotch and it went on from there.My friend who was sitting next to me later told me that she felt Ann had bee watching my husband from the time she got there and was VERY aggressive about him getting in the hot tub with her.No one at the pary other than me knew ANN, my husband had seen her 4 or 5 time when we dropped off or picked up kids.I have decided not to through him out, as this was not "normal" for him to do. He has been drinking a lot here lately ( NO thats NOT an excuse either as I told him) and he does not remember things the next day. I have told hi there will be NO drinking for him since he can not handel it and that drinking does not excuse his behavior. I know he truley is sorry for what he did and have no doubt that he will NEVER do anything like this again.They did not have intercourse, but I still tell him it is the same as cheating on me.My daughter had seen some of what happened (not anything in the hot tub), so I felt that she should know why Ann can not come back. I told her that Ann touched Daddy in a way that friends do not do and that Daddy acted inapropiate with Ann. I feel that this is between the adults and should not affect the kids. I have no issue with Anns child coming here and eventually let my child go to Anns.My questions are:1. Should I call Ann and tell her that her behavior was very disrespectful to me and my family, but I do not want it to affect the kids. It will be made clear that she is not welcome here.2. How do I get past the anger I feel? I love my husband and want to get past this together.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): thanks for the update - just make sure you are rid of ann in every way and keep her and hubby away from each other.
good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI called Ann. She said she is very sorry & has no excuse. I let her have it - the entire time I lashed at her (and called her a few names that she earned) she could not even reply to me because she kinew she was wrong.
As for the DH - he is not off the hook. We have been talking this out. I truley do not feel he will do anything like this again. I know he regrets his actions & is consumed in guilt. Even when I do feel that I can get past this, I will take my time in telling hims so. For now I tell him how hurt I am, and that we should try to work through it together.
Thanks for all your help.
Yes, letting Ann know how I feel made me feel much better, but did not take all the hurt away!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I have so much respect for you that your still willing to work through this with your man. I honestly dont think I could move past that. Your a good woman.
I would definetly call "Ann" and calmly let her know that what she did was very disrespectful and that she is no longer allowed over at your house.
As for your husband, you definetly need to tell him how hurt and mad you are. Hoepfully, seeing how upset and hurt you are will make him realize that he truely screwed up and that hell never want to hurt you again. Id highly recommend keeping booze out of the picture if he cant keep his hands to himself as well, *even though* he said she made him. Hes a freakin man... stand up for your marriage and your woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): to have a cheating hb is one thing for him to do his act while in front of you is another. i still say you are letting him off to easily. you have a "predator" in your home, he was not to drunk to do the finger sucking now was he. please do not let him take you like a fool . he and Ann violated your home, and marriage. you need to ensure he has no contact with ann. she whet his appetite and believe me he is going back for more. this time you will not be around t witness it. so basically its time to put a lock aroung his balls and fingers. he actually penetrated this woman and makes excuses for it. it doesn't matter that his penis was not in her. it was his fingers!
too mach blaming ann who must take 50% of the blame. you hb was not innocent in this incident and its time to acknowledge this. he was a willing participant. if you are totally honest you would also admit this.
as wives we always want to believe our hb's but the thing is, they let us down and we are the last ones to find out. watch MR from now on and i am hoping that he "pay" for his sexual crimes with ann. you need to ensure this or else it is back to the hottub scene for you. to add to any "guilt" he is feeling he also needs to know your daughter is aware of his "sordid" behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help!
I am going to call "Ann", but I think I will wait until my husband is here next to me when I call. I want him to hear it all first hand!!
As for Ann, it is funny that when she got here she was telling me and my friend how people have beeen talking about her cheating on her hubby, but swore that she wasnt. Well now we know they ar probly right. I know she has been having issues and fighting with her own husband, but that does not mean she can chase mine! That will also be part of my conversation with her!!
I guess I wrote this to assure myself that I handeled it properly (trust me, the kicking him in the head and drowning her was oh so appealing). I do not feel like I am crazy - thanks for your support!
As for my hubby - like I told him, I am not gonna though him out. No, that would be too easy on him. He will have to work very hard to regain any type of trust from me. It will take time for me to heal, and during the proccess, he will just have to kiss ass as they say.
Prior to this we had no issues. We never even argue. I just want our life back the way it was.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): just to say that your hb feeely indulged with this ANN, no one forced him to finger her and yes he is cheating. i think you need to have some anger left for him as well since he too betrayed you. you may not know this but perhaps you hubby has been getting up to mischief with other women as well but this time you just caught him out?
as for Ann - that relationship wih her needs to be over. yes TELL her about her disgusting behaviour and tell her what you really feel. also you need to limit your daughters contact with ann and her her daughter. your hb has a taste of ann now and will not stop until he has the a proper taste of her. (sorry its not what you have to hear). the less contact with ann the better.
you may want to trust your hb but need to be aware f his true behaviour. it seems if someone gives him the come on he will accept, no questions asked. this hottub incident is not the only one, i can assure you. alcohol or not, your hb took liberties and got caught. next time, he will not.
i think you seem to have already forgiven him. this makes it so easy for him to blame the alcohol again. you need to be hard and also firm here, yes you are trying to be the good guy here not involving anyone else. but there comes a time when we have to start playing our own game when our family and happiness is threatened. and yours is right now. the biggest threat in your marriage is YOUR HB. don't let him get away with this. you have been too trusting and perhaps a bit too naive when it comes to him.
as for ANN, get rid of her totally from your life. this will spare you in the long run. anne's daughter also needs to know what a bitch her mother is. stop trying to be the good one, or else both ann and your hb will walk all over you. and you will let them. fight for what is yours. and giveas good as you get.
it starts with your hb. your hb enjoyed his fingering, now he should face the consequences. and the alcohol is not his excuse. and trust me he knows what he was doing. he knows it, ann knows it and if you are honest you will also admit it. by you admitting t, it allows you to see the real siituation not his cock & bull story (sorry about the pun).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009):
1. Call her and tell her exactly what you just wrote, it was perfect.
2. I understand how angry and upset you must be but it wasn't his fault. Its "Anne" you should be mad at. With time you'll get over it. Also since it was the womans fault you will feel better after you tell her off, *ahem* I mean call her and politely confront her.
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A
female
reader, Karlin24 +, writes (26 May 2009):
 When I read this, I felt you Girl! My mate also does the finger licking, with the "look" (which I'm sure you know what that means) and if I had been in your position, it would have taken all my strength to not remove his finger licking head from his stupid ass body. Should you confront her? Hell yes! Let her know you are not stupid, not accepting of this, and that just because she's a whore, you will not hold it against her daughter.
As for forgiving your husband? Harder problem. Start with telling him how f&^%king mad you are. Let him know that if it happens again, he will be licking his finger from the cardboard box he's living out of. Beyond that, he's a man, she stroked his ego, and some part of him must have needed that. If you can get beyond this, maybe do a little roll-playing occassionally to give him the same thrill. It may do you wonders too to think of him as someone you don't sleep with everynight. Spice it up by being the "strange" that strokes his ego. If you can't forgive him and move on, it will destroy you and your relationship.
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