A
female
age
51-59,
*tstewartwifey
writes:My husband for a couple years has been coming home sitting on the couch, watching tv, waiting for dinner, then falling asleep on the couch at times without speaking a word to me. I've tried talking to him about my loneliness but he always lashes out and says " I'm sorry I'm not perfect enough for you". His work always comes first. He has a demanding job, but he even does this on the weekend. I've tried everything. I try to leave him love notes in the morning, bring him lunch at work...which I have to leave my job to do. He's in charge of several people but I still think somewhere in there I should be a priority too. He worked on our anniversary which I understood but there was no card no makeup dinner nothing. He just didn't get me anything for valentines day....he said he was so busy with work that he didn't have time. I cry all the time... I feel unwanted, lonely, and overwhelmed... We have two daughters 11 and 12 hrs old. I take care of everything in the house with a little help from our girls. Every once in awhile he helps and it's not often. I love him so much, but this loneliness is starting to break me.... As I write this he came home and turned on the tv and is already asleep on the couch. Any advice?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 August 2011):
Have you tried communicating about this issue? Like I said before, I don't mean striking up a conversation randomly, I mean setting aside a time and a place without distractions where you can sit and face your fears?You may be right, he might not change, and things might not change. I am just curious to know if you know this because you have tried having this kind of heart to heart conversation, or not. If you haven't it might be the case that the reason that things won't change because you are not able to face having this conversation with him, or are too hurt to make the effort, or too vulnerable. Ending your relationship may turn out to be the right choice, but it is not your only choice. You do have the choice to let your husband know how serious things are and give him the opportunity to create with you the kind of relationship you would really rather have. If there is any part of you that does want to save your relationship, you might want to think about getting help in doing so, especially if you feel like you don't have the strength to do it on your own. There are resources that you can make use of. If you are going to end your relationship, it is always best to do it from a position of strength knowing it is the right thing to do, rather than feeling like you have to do it because you don't have any other options, or are too weakened to make it better.
A
female
reader, Ftstewartwifey +, writes (4 August 2011):
Ftstewartwifey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionidoneitagain:Thank you so much for your advice. It makes so much sense. Honestly I don't think he's going to change. I'm afraid for my own sanity and health, I'm going to have to end this. My heart is breaking for thinking and feeling this way, but there is no other choice. Things will not change. All this time I've thought it was all me, and I have beat myself down to nothing, and there's nothing left of me. We have two daughters that need me, and I have to have the strength to take care of them, so you see, this is my only choice. Thank you. :-)
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (27 July 2011):
"I'm lost because I keep going over and over the events trying to figure out exactly what I did wrong..."
"I'm trying to figure out what I do or say to set him off..."
Have you thought about the possiblity that you aren't doing anything wrong? Your style of operating is that when he gets angry you automatically look to what you have done as if it is your behaviour that is making him react. That is interesting, because you could automatically assume that he is responsible for his behaviour, but your first instinct is to assume that you have done something to cause it. I suspect you haven't.
What is really happening is a form of manipulation. When you say you want to talk, and he has a sense that he wants to avoid the conversation, he uses anger as a way of manipulating the situation so that you end up upset and in tears rather than having the difficult conversation he wants to avoid. He might even react angrily or in a hurtful way when there is nothing really causing it. The function of his reaction is that it keeps you confused and him in the position of authority. It keeps the communication between the two of you on the level that he is comfortable with. Keep in mind this manipulation is unconscious most likely, he probably does it automatically without realising the affect it has on you, but it is working successfully as a way of relating to you so he uses it as a preferred way of relating.
You can't easily change his behaviour by simply trying to change his behaviour, but you can by changing your reaction to his behaviour. Have you thought about what it would be like to not get upset when he gets angry with you? Is there any other way you might choose to respond to his anger? You are already doing this when you say "you don't need to shout at me, you can just say what you need to say". This is already an assertive response by you. After that though, he escalates his anger and meanness and at times storms out. Then you cry. What if instead of getting upset, you can look at his tantrum and performance as exactly that, a performance, something a 5 year old would do to manipulate his parents into getting his way? How might you calm an angry 5 year old down?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Sorry for what you are going through. Be very careful that you do not get even more hurt in the process. do not expect everything to change immediatelly. You might go for a vacation and be lonelier than ever. talk it over first, then go on vacation. What is the point of taking someone out and they still dont talk or open up? Could there be a third party at work? I m in a relationship with someone who behaved more or less likewhat you are describing, latelyI found out shes having an affair at work.
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female
reader, Ftstewartwifey +, writes (27 July 2011):
Ftstewartwifey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust when i thought I could talk to my husband without him being horribly mean.... nope. I feel the need to explain what happened today in detail because sometimes he's so mean I find myself questioning if I deserved it. He came home from work today and the kids are at a slumber party. We were up stairs talking while he changed (we were gonna go do a little grocery shopping). We were talking about our daughters because we don't talk much and when he's actually listening I want to take the opportunity to sit and talk to him. Well I guess he was in a hurry because he got home late (late is normal) and he started rushing me saying "we can talk and walk", well I explained that I did not want to do that just yet because I don't get the opportunity to sit and talk to him. He got angry and started raising his voice saying that he's tired of eating dinner late and I need to hurry up, so I took a deep breath and said ok lets go. I said that with a tone, but I did not yell at all. We went downstairs and I asked him not to yell. I told him "Please don't yell at me, do you have to do that. You can get your point across without yelling." He got really angry and proceeded to say what he always says..."I'm sorry I'm not good enough or perfect enough for you!" then he said that I said he was rude( I did not, I will always admit when I have done something wrong. I'm not perfect. I have done a couple awful things (no cheating though), and he did somethings as well) I tried to tell him no that I didn't say that he was rude, but he kept yelling at me and said " F$&K this, go to the F&$king store yourself..." and he left and I was in tears sobbing again. I'm lost because I keep going over and over the events trying to figure out exactly what I did wrong so I can change it, but the yelling is belittling and it makes me cry, raises my blood pressure (i have to take meds everyday for
it). I don't know how much more I can deal with. I love him so much and I can't imagine life without him, but I actually could wind up having a stroke if I continue having to deal with this behavior. I'm not perfect, no one is. I don't ever yell at him, and I certainly don't use curse words when we are arguing. It sounds like he's cursing at me. Can someone please tell me if I'm doing something wrong. I'm trying to figure out what I do or say to set him off...... I'm nearing the end of my rope.
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female
reader, Ftstewartwifey +, writes (24 July 2011):
Ftstewartwifey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all the advice. I really thought the weekend would be different and we could talk, but same thing different day. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but thanks to the advice all of you have given, I have something to help.
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (22 July 2011):
There are a lot of forces at work affecting your relationship.
Your husband's style of dealing with the stress of his job, and general anxiety in his life, is by switching off emotionally, he uses the tv and sleeping to do this, and it is his style of relating to you too. He sounds perpetually exhausted, doesn't have the energy to have a conversation or relate to his family, which is an indication of a depressed state. He has an underlying anger so when you try to connect with him, he lets his anger out at you even though it probably isn't really you he is angry with. He doesn't know how to make things better, he probably feels stuck, and might not even be aware of how stuck he is in his life, or that things should be better than they are. I am sure he isn't happy with how things are in his life, not because he isn't happy with you, rather that he hasn't found a way to manage everything together, to balance it all, or to make things better.
You on the other hand are unhappy with your relationship, and that doesn't surprise me because you aren't getting anything from him at all! He has nothing to give. You are overwhelmed too, and you feel bad because you feel lonely and neglected.
There are ways for you to make things better, for your relationship to be better, and for you to both be happier. It starts with communication, and teamwork. Communication does not start with you trying to tell him how you are feeling while he is sitting on the couch trying to watch tv and avoid having to have that conversation with you. It starts with you booking dinner for the two of you alone somewhere so that you have time to sit and talk without the distractions of the tv, or your daughters, or the rest of your lives. Once you have set aside a time, and a place, the first thing you need to do is let your husband know that you want to make things better, and that you want to do this by working with him together as a team. It isn't you versus him, you aren't attacking him by saying that things are bad, and you aren't blaming him by saying that it is his fault that things are bad. You are saying that things are bad for both of you, and you want things to be better for both of you, and it is something you can both do together. From there, you can work together to figure out how. You probably need to talk about how you feel in the relationship, what you like and what you don't like, what you would like to see different. You need to ask him what he doesn't like, what he likes, what he would like to change. Ask him his ideas on making your relationship better. Ask him what his thoughts on it are, how he thinks you can become closer, more connected, more intimate as a couple (and I am not talking about sex here, although sex can be a part of this). Tell him what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. At the moment, you are not willing to accept that he watch tv, sleep, and do nothing about your relationship. You both need to put some work in here, to come up with a plan, and to make time for one another. Look at it as a very important project of a kind, a human project.
You should expect to come up against some kind of resistance from your husband. The only thing worse for people who are in uncomfortable circumstances, is for people to have to face changing their uncomfortable circumstances. This avoidance can be extreme, some people would rather end their relationships than face their fears in having to make their lives better. In some cases, it is helpful to undergo some kind of couples counselling. That aside, after some initial resistance, you might find your husband comes round and wants to make things better for you both. Try it out and see how you go, you have nothing to lose (if your relationship has deteriorated to nothing) and everything to gain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): I'm really sorry to hear about your situation! I'm afraid though that unless he is willing to change his attitude and behaviour, there is nothing you can do yourself to improve things, you have said yourself that you have tried doing romantic things, and have put in the effort, and have tried to communicate with him about what you are feeling. I would recommend you try to find a time when he is not too stressed or tired from work (surely he has at least one day off a week right?) and explain to him that a marriage is a partnership, and that you feel hurt and lonely because of his behaviour, and that there needs to be some sort of balance in the realationship or your marriage is going to fall apart. It may be easier for you to write this down, if you think trying to talk to him will become confrontational. Try to make it clear that you are not critising him (even though you have every right to be angry with him!) but that you are concerned, and want to help improve things to help both of you to be happier in your lives. Because of his job, it is understandable that during the week he will be tired and stressed, but perhaps if he can put genuine effort into spending good, quality time with you and his children a few days a week, this could improve your situation. Finally, please don't ever allow someone else to make you feel lonely and unwanted! Try to find something that will make you feel good about yourself, join a club or a sport, start a new hobby, or do something you have always thought about but have never got around to trying, or just have a self indulgent day or two and pamper yourself. I know this isn't contributing to your relationship problem, but there is no reason why you shouldn't enjoy yourself and work on your own personal happiness. All the best and good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): The problem is he has gotten used to the comfort zone that is provided all by you! You are always there for him. Everything is always ready for him and basically he doesn’t feel your existence anymore. He feels that it should be always like this and there is no any other way around. I had kind of similar problem and I turned the table! Now he is the one who is seeking for my attention! I just got married and moved to this country with him I didn’t have anybody in this country so you can imagine how lonely I was without getting any attention from him.When I was repeating myself for 10000....times and it didn’t worked out, when I talked to him that how lonely I am and didn’t see any change I took a long vacation with my 2 years old son. I went back to my country for 2 months as a vacation. I didn’t call him even once. As I arrived he called to make sure we arrived safely. As I didn’t call couple of days he started to notices me. That was unusual because I had been calling him several times per day before so he asked me why I didn’t call. I played it very cool and after couple of weeks he was chasing me by phone! When I came back I saw lovely notes on the mirror!!! And some gifts on my bed! That was the first step for me. I started hanging out with my new friends and started the school again and gradually everything happened so natural and smooth so this transition wasn’t that obvious. BUT he has changed allot as I tried to teach myself how to feel good without his attention. Believe me everything you said is familiar for me he was that type of person that didn’t pay attention to the events like Valentine’s Day or mother’s day......and more! I went through what you are going through. I was cooking everyday and bringing lunch for him. I do not do it anymore, before he didn’t appreciate that much but as I stopped doing it he has mentioned that several times that how he has missed those days! Just shake your husband to move him from the comfort zone. Trust me it works! I wish you good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Clearly work is wearing him down,or is it money problems,fear of losing his job? But your right you deserve some attention!
Marriage always gets mundane but he's got to put somethig into this relationship.
Do you ever go out together alone? Have family days out at the weekend?
Is there any way just the 2 of you could go away for a weekend, talk and get to the bottom of this problem?
If he continues to ignore you I would start giving ultimatums-start being hard and let him know you mean to sort it or start looking for a divorce
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female
reader, auroralea2003 +, writes (22 July 2011):
 hi, im sorry you are feeling so bad right now. It seems like you are doing everything above and beyond to be a good wife and mother. It seems like this scenario is played out in so many relationships these days. I work 14 hours a day sometimes and my fiance is unemployed. he has been for two years. i work 50 or more hours a week sometimes and when i get home all i want to do is sit on the couch and eat and fall asleep. I'm not sure if your relationship has always been this way. He probably feels he has an obligation to his work and to you to provide. but as you know, providing for your family is more than bringing home the money. showing his family that you are loved and important is also imperative. i wonder if the girls cry at night. they need him like you need him. my father growing up was a workaholic and hardly involved n our upbringing. i suffered and still suffer from the lack of attention he gave us. you deserve more. you know that. i wish i had a definitive answer for you. sometimes it takes a kick in the head to excite real change. i suggest taking him aside or to dinner or kidnap him and take him somewhere that you can let him know that you are unhappy and if thing don't change you will have to take serious measures. no one wants to break up a family ,but if you are so sad and feel so unloved, you deserve a chance at having a complete relationship with your husband. i honestly think if you looked at it from your daughters well being you would see that an absintee father( even if he's on the couch every night) is not what you want to model for your girls. i wish you luck . please look into getting counseling or a vacation or retreat. create a date night and stick to it. try to renew your relationship or find out how to make a new change.
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