A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is in Iraq and I haven't talked to him in two weeks. Before he left we were on the verge of getting a divorce. He had to train in Alabama for a month and during that month he called me just once. After the month training He didn't even come home. He stayed over his cousins. I went to his cousins to find out what was going on and he wouldn't even talk to me I asked him IF he wanted a divorce and he said yes. When he finally came home a day later he just hugged me And tried to make things right and eventually said a divorce is not what he wants. We worked things out and everything was great before he left and we have been emailing and instant messaging each other on a regular basis. But now that I haven't heard from him in two weeks I'm just wondering if we are back at square one. I know your prob thinking he's just busy but all the other wives have been talking to their husbands. Issues in the past include when he came home from basic I found a letter in his acu's from some female soldier, he said he was suppose to give it to some guy, he also went to a club where he got a girls number, I called the girl and she said she didn't know he was married, she said they only danced that night and she was sorry. And then him not calling the whole time he was in Alabama. my husband says he never cheated but I just don't know. Do u think he could be cheating or talking to someone in Iraq, like a female soldier? He hasn't called in two weeks! What do u think? We have been married for six yrs and I just don't know what to think anymore
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male
reader, Uncle Abe +, writes (19 January 2010):
I've been twice.
Married the whole time and didn't cheat. Didn't think to cheat - with who?
Sure there are women around some of the bases and there are guys doing that but many of us really are working 14-24 hours a day. The first time over I called once a week or every ten days. The second I was in a better easier place and called every two to four days. My wife had a very very hard time the first time - we were newlyweds she was far from home and I was in mortal danger. You already sound much more able at this point to deal.
The question is what are his intentions and why?
Some soldiers come back and the war has changed them..not cheating just being different inside. They don't want the same things they don't think the same. Right now that change is often for the worse - the Army is currently having a huge problem with post deployment suicides.
I would say the chances of him cheating on you are much smaller than the chances of him seeing a new world and being very very busy. If this is his first deployment that new world can have a big impact for the better or worse. My little brother came back ready to tackle college and be someone who took charge and made things happen. I came back a bit cynical about humanity and hating all politicians even more. Not because I had to go but because they cause more problems than they solve.
What I suggest is if you are making an income and are indeed self sufficient then save some money in case you are about to have some hard times soon - meaning he does decide to go through a divorce. But when he comes home - love on him, dote on him, and then after he seems relaxed talk about what he did. Don't pry for all the juicy scary stuff. Just start with the daily life, his friends, his superiors, his food and fun. If he is hurting inside or depressed you should see it pretty easy. There are lots of ways to get info on PTSD and anxiety and depression and such on an ARMY base. I suggest reading some before he comes home so you know what you are seeing. Above all - don't provoke him. He may have been in a state of extreme awareness with fellow soldiers that his response to you may be too extreme. I'm not saying he would hurt you but shouting throwing cursing are pretty common problems - it boils down to him readjusting. I don't want to scare you just help you to prepare yourself to help him adjust to being home - not make it harder.
Good luck to you and remember that the chaplains are always ready and willing to help. They have a lot of experience with this these days. I know my wife appreciated the one who told her these things at an FRG briefing.
A
female
reader, tja888 +, writes (19 January 2010):
okay well I hate to be rude or cruel but I have a bf over seas and he said its like a sex fest over there. Women are making list of guys they want to be with and sleeping with them. Two soldiers went home and gave their wives herpes. I am not by any means saying this is what your husband is doing but I would have him be checked if you two do work things out. Men get lonely no matter if they are here or there and if there are women willing to show them some attention when they are feeling lonely well you know the answer to that one.
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male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (24 December 2009):
 I know you will make it through this. If you need someone to talk to, drop me an email.
Jeff
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys, it's Christmas eve and I hope u all have a merry Christmas. I lost count but I think it's been a month since my husband has called and he's sent me one email this month. It's so crazy how last month everything was fine and I talked to him on a regular basis and now nothing, I have a feeling he's not even going to call or write me on Christmas :( it's like a roller coaster. Well Im trying to be positve, I sent him a few emails, I always keep them positive and I don't even bring up the fact that he hasn't called or even bring up how he's making me feel. I just keep them short and simple. I don't even want to go to our families Christmas because everyone will be asking me about him and I will prob just burst out crying. I'm just so so sad! How can he be like this? I've put everything into our marriage, I've supported him in everything, I've been faithful to him and always been here for him even when he's went out and did crazy things. Well I'll continue to be here for him and support him and when he gets back if he doesn't want to be w me anymore I don't think I'm going to fight for it anymore. I've done everything I can. I don't want a divorce, I love him sooo much but he's the one that always has a change of heart.I just feel like I'm being strung along. Maybe I do need to read the writing on the wall. You know sometimes when ur in love and love someone your blinded by that love and u don't see the bigger picture. I'll just leave it in Gods hands and we will see what happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell he finally sent an email and all it said was love ya I've been busy, and I'll call when I can. oh ya, he asked me what I've been up to. I'm somewhat releaved I guess I'm just unsure that we are going to make it. Thanks for the advice. Just have to wait and see
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male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (15 December 2009):
I agree with Azure Rain. A unit is made up of many Soldiers and each with a different job. Just because one is able to call everyday, doesn't mean that your Sodier has the same oppurtunity. You seem like a smart woman. Use that intuition that God gave you.
I more piece of advice, do NOT have kids while he is on R&R. Make sure you both are on the same sheet of music before bringing a baby into the picture.
You will get through this deployment. I know you will. Army wives are the cream of the crop!
Jeff
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband has been in for almost 4yrs and yes this is his first deployment. He's been deployed for 5 months now and will not take his r&r leave till next year. The last time I didn't here from him in a few days I didn't wig out I just figured he was busy or to tired. When he finally did call he said he was at another fob. He told me he goes to the gym alot, I guess I will just have to wait and see, hopefully he will call or message me soon. I'll keep everyone posted. Thanks for your comment
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female
reader, Azure Rain +, writes (15 December 2009):
hello I am an army wife also and my husband was deployed for 14 months last year. It was a very hard time.
He may have not called you because of his work schedule.If he has a long day or night he might choose to sleep than wait in line for the phone.
My husband was at a place that sold phone cards but they only accepted cash so he would have to wait until some guys were riding to another FOB so he could get cash to buy a phone card.
His schedule could give him free time during the times that they eat and the only way he could talk is if he skip a meal. My husband did that a couple of times he would grab a bunch of stuff(like fruit and granola bars) at the previous meal so he could skip the next meal and get to the phones.
My husband also had to walk about a mile to the phone if he coudn't find a rid.
If your husband has to do all of this extra stuff to talk to you he might feel that its not worth it if your conversations always end on a bad note.
Please don't compare what the other wives husbands are doing. They might be in the same unit but that doesn't mean that they go on the same missions.
I was in the army too and I know for a fact that phone calls are very limited when your in training like when ur husband was training in alabama.
How long has ur husband been deployed?
Is this his first deployment?
How long has he been in the Army?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much guys for your point if view and input. I will take all your comments and advice into consideration ; )
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he has not cut off the cash flow or taken me off his account. He can if he doesn't trust me w his money. All I do is pay his bills like I've always done and I leave the rest for him to do whatever he pleases. I told him if we are going somewhere on his leave we need to start saving a little each month, he agreed. I know he has opened a savings account after I mentioned saving money for his leave and no he hasn't told me he opened a savings account but I haven't talked to him in two weeks either. He hasn't called or wrote any of his family either because they call me to see if I've heard from him. You ask why I stay and it's because I love him and I want our marriage to work. If he's done something I'm willing to forgive him and move forward. If he just doesn't want to be with me then he doesn't need to tell me he wants our marriage to work. He doesn't need to tell me he misses me or he can't wait to see me on his leave. He doesn't need to send me gifts and lead me on, he doesn't need to talk about getting a house built or having a baby. He told me a few times he wanted us to have a baby. I'm the one who wants to wait and of course I want to feel okay with our marriage before we bring another being into this world. And money is not the issue when I met him he didn't even have his own car, any credit or a checking account. He worked at mcdonalds and I did not care because I fail in love with him for him ,not money. I helped him build his credit and told him to open a checking account. I didn't even ask him to put me on his account.When we met I had my own vehicle and my own checking account and great credit. Money is not the issue I have a job and I Bcontribute equally. I don't ask him for anything he's the one that buys me things on his own. If he wants out then he needs to just say it and stop giving me a false sense of hope
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell you may be right. It may be over. If he doesn't want to be married to me then why didn't he just go through with the divorce in the beginning. He told me he wanted us to be open and talk to each other more, and he doesn't want what we went through to happen again. We have been talking on a regular basis up until two weeks ago and everythings been great. He has sent me pics and gifts to. I didn't even ask for anything he just sends them. He told me he was sending me gifts but it was a suprise so of course he wouldn't tell me what they were. Why would he waist money on me? I don't know but I feel like maybe he has done something that he is ashamed of and it's bothering him more than he thought it would and he just doesn't want to admit what he has done. If that's the case Iwould forgive him and we can move forward. Why do I stay? Because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life w him. Everyone one has ups and downs and I believe u should do everything possible to make things work and if it doesn't then we can get a divorce and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell you may be right. It may be over. If he doesn't want to be married to me then why didn't he just go through with the divorce in the beginning. He told me he wanted us to be open and talk to each other more, and he doesn't want what we went through to happen again. We have been talking on a regular basis up until two weeks ago and everythings been great. He has sent me pics and gifts to. I didn't even ask for anything he just sends them. He told me he was sending me gifts but it was a suprise so of course he wouldn't tell me what they were. Why would he waist money on me? I don't know but I feel like maybe he has done something that he is ashamed of and it's bothering him more than he thought it would and he just doesn't want to admit what he has done. If that's the case I would forgive him and we can move forward. Why do I stay? Because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life w him. Everyone one has ups and downs and I believe u should do everything possible to make things work and if it doesn't then we can get a divorce and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I don't plan on divorcing my husband I stuck by him through thick and thin and that's what I plan to do. I'm not the type to just give up. I beleive in marriage and u should do every thing possible to make it work. So Im on his checking account and I take care of all the bills. I make sure his bills are paid on time. I've always taken care of the finances. When we was talking about the divorce I told him if that's what he really wanted it would hurt but I would eventualy move on and be okay, I told him not to worry about hurting me. I also told him if we were going to go through with this I wasn't going to fight him for all the stuff we accumalated over the years. I told him he can have it all. I told him I can give his mom or whomever his bills to take care of while he is away. I told him that I live him with everything I have but if he's not happy or wanting to be in this marriage it's not fair to me or him. I want to spend the rest of my life w him but if the feelings not mutual then what good is that? Before everything has been going good. We talked about taking a vacation on his leave next year. I told him we needed to save so we would have enough $ to go somewhere we will never prob get to go again and he agreed w me. I noticed he has opened a savings account but I haven't talked to him in two weeks so of course he hasn't told me about it. Also the other wives talked to their husbands like yesterday so I don't think there has been a death. And none of his family has talked to him either. We all have sent him Christmas gifts and I'm sure he's got them by now but no contact from him in two weeks. And he is an MP. He's knows I'm not the type of person to dick him over so I just don't understand what's going on with him. I really appreciate the input guys. Thanks so much!
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (14 December 2009):
Beleive it or not, I am also in Iraq right now. Depending on his MOS (Job), things could be really stressful. Has his unit lost any Soldiers? This is something that you would hear from the family support group (FRG). As soon as a Soldier dies and all the notifications have been made, the next step is to quite the rumor mill by informing all the spouses. Some people handle stress differently.
Another thing, If there is a death, all email traffic is halted until offical notification is made (takes about a week).
Has he cut off the cash flow? Men down range worry about coming home to nothing. If he were planning on ending it all, he would probably cut the cash flow to ensure he has some savings when he gets back home.
It is possible to have a girlfriend in Iraq, but most units have a policy of no opposite genders in each others rooms. And, most Soldiers work 12-14 hr days. If you plan a secondary relationship, you are cutting in on sleep time.
I know this doesn't solve your problem. I will end will this: They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.......Well, not in the military. If you have a strong relationship before the deployment, it will only be stronger when you get back. If you have a weak relationship, it will only disolve.
I wish you the best of luck.
Jeff
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