A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I just caught my husband of 4 years cheating on me with an escort girl; we have been together for 12 years total (since 17). I fully trusted him, never thought during his time at work he would be meeting with one particular individual. I went through his e-mails and found trails of communication down to the fees that were negotiated. When I confronted him he said it has happened several times during the last year and half. Based on the e-mails the meetings seem frequent, he said he did not meet with her every time. I confronted him, he initially denied it but once I started to reference things he knew I had him. He confessed but told me it was just oral, no sex, fondling, etc. I noticed I had some Gyno issues so I told him I'm probably sick, he told me he used a condom. I will get tested this Monday, but this is all just happened. I said tell me everything so of course he is vague about the details. I asked him to show me the details of the e-mails, because I did not get through all of them, but he said he couldn’t remember the password, many excuses so I feel like there is more than what he has shared, and by now he probably erased everything. He was very sorry and ashamed but there is no way I can believe a man that would cheat on his wife would remain faithful. Plus he didn’t want to show me all of his e-mails so there is more that he may be hiding. We have great sex life in the last year but just as recent as this week he contacted her. I have no one to share this with because it is embarrassing, who would want their friends/family to know about this? I never got a good reason why he did it, he always expressed to me that I made him beyond happy specifically sexually. We alreay had other issues and I had thoughts of leaving him, then I found this out today. He is a changed man, someone I can not recognize. Why did he do this to me? I asked him to leave, but I feel so weak. I dont think I can ever trust him again, this is not a one time deal its happend so many times with this one individua for the past year and half. Whats the best course of action?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 I can never understand how someone can minimize their actions by saying it was "just oral".....What is the point of that statement? Although the specifics of particular sexual acts could haunt the thoughts of the person who was cheated on, it's not the actual sexual act that is the issue, it's the broken trust and lies. It's the fact a person has been betrayed and all the negative aspects of the entire incident.
I imagine he's still keeping you in the dark about some of the details surrounding this because he's seen how you've already reacted. He might figure that he's already dropped the BIG bomb on you and if you can manage to get over that there is no reason to make it worse. He might be thinking in "general" terms. By that I mean he knows the big picture and all the tidbits of information. He knows he been caught, knows he's done wrong and wants it all to go away. He sees no reason to make it worse.
You feel cheated and want to know all the tidbits of information so you can form your opinion of justr how rotten he's been. You want to know these things so you can decide how angry you should be. It fuels your fire.
Be careful though, these things can take over your mind and invade all your thoughts. It may be difficult but I suggest you make your decisions about him based on "big picture" thinking. You might benefit by deciding if you can ever trust him again and if yo're willing to move past this event. All the little details will just be like extra needles to stick in the voodoo doll. It takes a bigger person to let go of the particular details. They really serve no purpose other than to make you feel more betrayed. You already know it's happened, why wallow in the details. It is like a personal pity party or as I said, more fuel for your fire.
Let me give you an example....there was an accident here recently. A drunk guy hit a car and killed four people. That is terrible in itself. No more really needs to be said. The media reports stated that the four dead people were on their way home from church. That serves no purpose but to put an ironic twist on the accident. It pits good (church) against bad(drunk driving). It was not necessary to add that part of the report, it only serves to amplify the pain of the victims family and the public. If the four people who died had been on their way to see strippers at a night club it would put them in another light. I hope you understand what I mean. In other words it wrong from the beginning, where they were coming or going to makes no difference. If someone is going to forgive it has to be a blamket choice. That doesn't mean you were not hurt it just means you want to moe forward.
If you are going to move ahead with your relationship, I believe that needs to be a "big picture" choice. If you want to figure out why there are issues in your relationship and how to fix them, that is something that may need to be disected and looked at more closely.
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