A
female
age
41-50,
*innette
writes:I am married with 2 kids aged 2 and 6. My husband frequents pubs and night clubs with his friends. I accidentally discovered that my husband paid and slept with the pub hostress after he got high and drunk. He promised not to drink again and will not do any other unfaithful acts. I became suspicious of all his actions, whether he is at work or home. I starts checking on his emails, cellphones records and SMS. He becomes mad and says I treat him like a convict after he has done only 1 wrong which is history to him. I want to forgive him but I do not know how to trust him again. Should I trust him? How?
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male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (11 June 2010):
 There is a debate here only your own heart can settle. The people in here are mostly destroying this guy and yes he is on probation. But you are the one to decide if he is worth trying to work it out or not. All these "you should toss this loser" people and all these "he's a scumbag and deserves what he gets" people need to forget there own feelings and answer your question. If you want to try and work it out, which is SOLELY up to YOU, and your decision alone, then the next step is developing the trust back and healing the wound he has left you with. He has work to do but you can't make him a prisoner. If he shows you he's trying then give him a little rope. If things get better then a little more. BOTH of you have to progress. Talk to him about this. If he truly is a scumbag then he will do it again and then you will know what to do. But you have to work on building up the relationship again, not just punishing him for his crime. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 I notice that you use the word "I" a lot... this isn't only about him, it's also about you I think..
This business, the cheating, has made you into the kind of woman that you dislike.. probably checking up on a man is not something you like...
If you decide to stay in this marriage, and if he decides to help you to get over this, then yes it can work... This anxiety, the jealousy, it will all go eventually. It's early days, of course your worried and nervous, but as time passes and he proves himself trustworthy, these fears you are having will fade away.
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A
female
reader, Linnette +, writes (9 June 2010):
Linnette is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the replies...
I guess i would have to give myself one more chance.
If it really do not work out, and i cant forgive and forget.. i will have to convince myself to let go.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 I'm all for forgiving your partner of one big mistake, (with the odd exception), but he hasn't made just one big mistake here. In my books he's made two.First one being the obvious act of cheating. Strike one.The second is that he didn't come clean, he had plenty of time to think it over and tell you, but you had to find out by yourself. In a way, the act of deceiving and covering the actual crime over with lies can actually become more trust shattering than the crime itself.He needs to realize that if you do the crime, you gotta do the time. He cheated and the resulting consequence is that you no longer trust him. He should be making an effort to win back your trust so that you no longer feel he is untrustworthy and won't have to treat him like a convict. Write down suggestions of things that he could do to win back your trust and tell him them... I'm talking specific examples, not broad ideas. Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): well he did the crime so now he must do the time.
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A
female
reader, Linnette +, writes (7 June 2010):
Linnette is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has been coming back from work.. at least he behaves like he is and have not been out with his drinking buddies for a month. I do not know how long this can last. I feel sick with myself for being the one checking on him on the time. It is not my character to behave like that. I gave him all the freedom previously but it backfired on me. I do not know how to react. I dun know what i should do to stop this behaviour. i know if i push harder then it will pull him away further and further, but i am really hurt and my mind is filled with all the silly ideas that he is just acting so that i will stay with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): If he means what he said about not cheating on you ever again he should be prepared for the third degree from you. It's only fair and without the transparency you're back to just trusting him and he already showed he is a liar.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2010):
 He doesn't have the right to be mad at you. He cheated, you didn't. He is trying to act single when he's not. Sounds like his crime was a crime of opportunity. If you distrust him, it would be better to check up on his bar/pub goings on rather than his internet/cell stuff, as he's more likely to cheat with someone he runs into on the spot. His credit card records would also be more revealing as well.
I wouldn't trust this guy any farther than I can throw him, UNLESS he radically changed his entire lifestyle, meaning he left the bars/pubs/late night partying behind for good along with all of his buddies. Otherwise, no promises to quit drinking will be anything you can count on. He'll go back to his old ways knowing that you'll let him for the sake of the kids.
Right now, it's a power balance thing in your marriage. He thinks he can get away with whatever because you "need" him, and he'll say all the right words and make all the right noises not because he regrets what he's done, but to get you off his back. Otherwise, he wouldn't accuse you of treating him like a convict, but he'd liberally hand over everything for you to scrutinize at will out of love for you, and change his lifestyle and devote his effort and energy into you and the 2 kids rather than the party life and prostitution.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
Yes, but trust takes time.. you've been betrayed and hurt, your trust destroyed, it will take you a long time to trust again.. Tell him this, tell him it's his fault that you now get scared of him misbehaving again... People that cheat destroy trust, only time and good behaviour will make you relax and become the happy loving woman as you were before..
Men that break eggs have no right to complain when you ask them to clear up the mess.
Ask him how he would feel if he were in your place, would he sleep easy and relax and trust you when you say you are popping out to get groceries...
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (7 June 2010):
If you want to continue a marraige with him, then you have to make yourself forgive him. You just have to choose to trust him one day. Thats often the problem after someone cheats in a relationship. If you take the person back then it means you have to forgive them in order for the relationship to grow. Yes, you are worried he will do it again. But keeping him on lockdown will only make him want to get away from you even more. You must move on so the relationship can progress. If you can't forgive him and learn to trust him again then it is time to move on.
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A
female
reader, birchybabe15 +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Dont trust him. Anyone who can act that way despite you being married with children is scum drugs are never good. think about the effect his actions will have on your children he has basically used a prostiute you deserve better and i dont even know you x
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