A
female
age
41-50,
*enz612
writes:ive been maried for 5yrs,we had a serious problem me and my husband, i kept him for a year that i have been raped,and seriously, i had baby from that thing that wasnt my fault, nobody understands me, and saying that hiding is seriously a fault to my husband, it just happened becoz i relly loved him and i dont want to lose him, he still gets mad at me until now, i dont know what to do pls help, Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Hi, you posted here last month about the rape and you lieing to your hb that the baby was his. please re read some of the views posted there as well. i have said it before and will say it again. your husband is only human, he is not the bad guy here. his feelings and his anger is very understandable. what you do not undersatnd is that you were wrong to lie to him that this baby was his. i really feel sorry for you but you just do not get it - what your hb is feeling is normal - how can you expect him to love this baby that is not his and that has been a result of a rape. you never told him about the rape. you kept quite, you pretended that your hb fathered this child. this baby was born and then your hb realised that this child was not his. have you even attempted to feel what your hb is going throught. i think to get a full understanding of your situation, you should make reference to what you posted last month. and your subsequent replies.
i am sorry you were raped. but i cannot condone what you have done to your hb. that is wrong. you delibertely lied to him. there is no excuse for this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): It's terrible that you were wronged. Rape is a very ugly thing - but that does not excuse you for telling him that the child was his and then letting him believe it for over a year. You might have been protecting yourself out of fear, but that does not excuse it.
Imagine as your husband finding out and believing that he was going to become a father having a child from his own flesh and blood, he is happy and over the moon. He takes care of you during your pregnancy, rubbing the belly, kissing it, works his ass off and expecting the joy of his life. The baby is born he kisses it, sings to it, bonds with it, feeds it and loves it - and throughout all this time he doesn't even know the baby isn't even his until now. This is a MASSIVE emotional blow that you have just put him through - and he will not understand how you could do this to him. He'll be in distraught and confusion as to how he should feel about this child.
Lots of women in your position have done such a thing. This is understandable but not excusable, it's something that you should never do and more women need to understand not to ever do such a thing because this is highly inconsiderate and I consider it's seriousness on the level of cheating (not the rape which is not your fault in any way, but making him believe that child was his) - maybe even worse.
Don't expect him to understand your woes of what happened a year before when he's just been dealt with an emotional blow just recently. Talking and communication is key.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 June 2009):
 The rape wasn't your fault and while it is understandeable that you didn't want to talk about it, this puts your partner in a difficult position.
Don't you trust him? Feel you can't come to him your problems?
At the most basic level, you lied to him. You lied about the baby. What else did you lie about? Was it rape?
I am not saying it wasn't, but you told you husband, this baby was his and it was a lie. How then can he trust anything else you say? Once trust has been broken it is very hard to regain.
You are expecting your husband to raise another man's child, and he only got your word for it that it was conceived through rape. Not only does he know you are willing to lie to him, he might also realize just how unlikely it is to conceive from just one incident. It happens of course, but that would make doubt you even more.
You should have talked to him right from the start. You lied and now you have to deal with what you did on top of what was done to you. Because your husband right now has no idea anymore what is the truth and what is a lie. Don't know if you can make things right again.
What you did told your husband that A: you don't trust him B: you are capable of having sex with other men without him finding out C: willing to have a child by another man D: that you are willing to have the child of a man who you claim raped you D: that you can lie about all this to him for over a year.
It is harsh but just why should he not be angry or trust you ever again? Would you in his place react differently?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): I don't quite understand. Are you saying that you had a child after being raped, and you let your husband believe it was his for a year, and then told him it wasn't his?
If this is the story then I am very sorry this has happened to you. But I also understand your husband too. He has been put into a horrible position. I don't think most women will ever really understand what it feels like. It's not something to expect him to just "get over." I think you both will need counseling for this. You certainly do, just for being raped by itself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): None of this is your fault, I can't imagine what you have gone through and you are currently going through. I think you need to seek professional advice on this one from women that have been in your situation. Below you will see the contact details of an organization where you live that will help you get the help that you need.
Contact them, you shouldn't have to go through this alone.
GABRIELA--National Alliance of Women's Organizations in the Philippines
P.O. Box 4386
Manila 2800
632-371-2302 (p)
632-374-3451 (p)
632-374-3452 (p)
632-374-4423 (f)
[email address blocked]
http://members.tripod.com/~gabriela_p/
I hope this helps and I hope it all works out well for you.
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