A
female
age
,
*nnon28
writes:Can I regain trust in my husband, married for 28 years found out 3 weeks ago he has been seeing prostitutes for 11 years but stopped 14 months ago because he found one 55 miles away that he has seen twice a week, bought lots of presents for etc. Never bought me a present. Text her every single night secretly - this is how I caught him now says he is so sorry he is damaged and needs help, do I believe him. Says he has only every loved me and I am his soul mate but he became emotionally involved with her. I feel so sad, empty, betrayed and physically sick, cant sleep or eat properly, all these women and instances keep jumping into my mind. I tested him last week and sent a text to him saying she had changed her number, he showed me and later admitted to writing the number down and hiding it, he ripped it up and threw it in the bin, then the following day I found that he had been through the bin and put it together again, he said he didnt know why. I then admitted it was me. I really need some help and advice PLEASE anyone
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female
reader, annon28 +, writes (22 December 2012):
annon28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for taking the time and the care to reply I really wish I could speak to you personally. But thank you. I am still here and still really hurt and still carrying on as though nothing has happened - well in body (not so much spirit) I really need you now - sounds strange but I feel lost.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 December 2012):
 Sorry, can't leave only, you touch my heartIf your strong enough.. I would like you to ask him where you come in. Forget about the children, the church, other people... but ask him.... how does a woman lie down with a man who will sleep with any infected whore that lets him.I told you long ago.. I'm so angry on your behalf.When you feel the need, demand, from him, the addicted man, what the hell does a woman in love do with a half broken man.I feel that a little anger will make me feel better, I'm hoping it will do the same for you. Because you (not kids, not man, not mum) are my only concern.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (21 December 2012):
No, not rambling, but actually very mature and understanding. This type of addiction isn't the normal thing and it's devastating for anybody to try to cope with.
How can you change you heart. You can't, that's what the church is for, they should be able to help you find a way to deal with the pain it brings.
Because of your age, I understand that's it's hard to walk out and start again. But you can, your children will help you find the strength, and he feels so bad, he'll provide the money to help you set up a life apart from him. It's an option, you do not have to stay and suffer like this.
Sigh.. Also because of your age, I realise a marriage is more than two people, it involves a whole family, kids, community the whole lot. This bothers me a bit, because most of your thoughts are about your "adult" children. Children who will soon get married and have their own problems and issues. It detracts from the basic issue of you, your husband and your marriage. To a certain extent, it's none of their business, they aint in the bedroom, they have their own lives to live. You can't stay with your husband to please them, or leave him to make them happy. You don't have to justify his behaviour, or apologise, they are adults and life (unfortunately) is no fairy tale. Their grief about his behaviour, should be discussed with him. You have done nothing wrong, you are not to blame, this is not really about sex, it's a sickness, it's not about a marriage going wrong. Let them talk to their dad about their concerns, he has the issue, let him soothe their worries, let him deal with their pain.
Harsh, but true (as far as I believe)
For you.. what I would wish... some space, some peace away from him. For you to find out why your staying, and if it's worth staying.. Hell, just to shake him up and make him that bit frightened.
Has one of your children got some space for you, or how about your mother, could you go and stay with her a while. If you can find somewhere to live for a couple of weeks, a month, say nothing to him, just tell him you need some time to think.
Again, my heart goes out to you, an addict of any kind is hell to love and live with, and a sexual addict is one of the worse kind. Again, about getting some counselling for yourself, you've suffered a betrayal, a heart wound of the worse kind and the experts can help you make sense of all of this.
Please come back to dear cupid, whenever you need to talk, you don't even need to read the reply's, just a safe space where you can tell your thoughts and not be judge too much.
Blessings, wherever you are, I hope you kind find some type of peace over christmas and next year is bright and beautiful and hopeful.
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A
female
reader, annon28 +, writes (13 December 2012):
annon28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies, I am still so very very confuused
How do you stop loving someone - even when you hate the 'them' they have become.
I am still in shock I think I sometimes feel that he is doing all the right things promising that he is getting fixed, going to Church, getting more spiritual, he goes to SAA Meetings every Saturday Morning and is on the Telephone with the group every Wednesday night, Says the Rosary and his Chapelet of Divine Mercy, says he IS a Recovering Sex Addict - is there such a thing! He has been a good father but my chidren are so very very hurt the eldest one has not been over since this last time so I feel I am missing out on her now. She says she needs time and does not believe in Sex Addiction although she loves her father and would never deny him should he need anything she is thinking of me and wants to to try and re-start my life, but in all honest I wouldnt have a clue, we still have a mortgage so I am tied, I have no means of earning money as I am now 60 and I also look after my elderly mother who is 90 and lives nearby and I do all her cooking shopping etc. I also have a daughter who has just started back to University doing her Masters, this all came out when she started Uni and she had an exam the day after we found out - she passed and managed to get a 1st Class Honours, again just over a month ago she had another exam (for her Masters) and this came out again, she only just passed so I cannot make things more difficult for her than they already are. I am sorry I am rambling but perhaps its just good to write it all down. Thank you for reading
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 December 2012):
Big hugs annon,
I can imagine how raw and devastated you feel. Sigh.
He's a sex addict and he is still in denial. Two and a half years already, he probably done as well as he can.
It's an addiction, not normal, it's compulsive behaviour. Remove the word sex, and his actions are like any addict.
1. Bad behaviour (sex, alcohol, drugs, gambling)
2. Get's caught
3. Apologise, cry, promises
4. Tries to be good... even tries hard
5. A trigger (stress, unhappiness, boredom) makes him fall
6. Returns to bad behaviour
7. Cycle, rinse and repeat
Yes he needs counselling, but like all addictive behaviours, it is difficult to fix, especially at his age.
Your actions are totally correct, to separate, not to forgive, and to offer friendship for a man who has a form of sickness.
I can't provide much comfort, but like all addicts he has to
1. Acknowledge he has a problem
2. Find out why he has a problem
3. Decide to fix the problem
4. Find some ways to avoid having problem
He will mess up again, addiction problems, so long standing will take years to fix.
Not sure about the state of your marriage for the last three years, but if your not going to leave, then I suggest you could also do with some counselling. Perhaps marriage guidance (Relate) would be useful for you both to go and talk together about how you feel and what you need to do next if your going to continue to live together.
Stay close to your church and draw upon it for support.
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A
female
reader, annon28 +, writes (11 November 2012):
annon28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionback here again, after 3 years just found out he has been seeing prostitutes again over the last 6 months. I gave my all he is now saying that he is a sex addict and he wants help to get over it, he does not want to go back to that life but he just slipped back and now he is seeing a coincillor and he wants to get his life back on track I feel so sorry for my both children in this one is 22 and one is 30 they both know everything. Financially we cannot afford to slip up as at 60 we still have a mortgage for the next 8 years or so, him living somewhere else would mean the mortgage would suffer although he found money to see them. We have sort of agreed that he sleeps upstairs and I sleep in our bedroom which is downstairs and I will support him trying to get help and although the marriage is over (I never did put my rings back on even though we were living as man and wife the past 3 years) I will be his friend if he can kick this - he says he does not want to lose me in his life and does not know what he would do without me and even though he knows I cannot go back to being married he wants to be my best friend - I feel sick just writing this is is still so raw.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 January 2010):
Ok.. more replies needed... to tell the truth, everything has already been said. But thank you very much for your update, it looks like you've decided to stay and are willing to work this through with him.
It won't be easy, the biggest thing is that he is a practised liar, he is used to lying to you and manipulating you, and you won't ever truely trust him again. Sorry, to say this, and I know it hurts.
You found out, and I noticed, he's quick to do all the right things. Go to see a psychosexual consellor, go to church and confess his sins. Bang, 3 months later, he's cured, and he's a changed man and it will never happen again.
Nope sorry, he's a sex addict, he's a manipulative liar, he can lie so easily cause he even lies to himself. It's gonna take a lot of work to get him to start living in reality and dealing with the truth, and honestly admitting why he has done such things.
"he just strayed once and found it easier to carry on and cheat as he was going on,".... crap, absolute bull crap... he's trying to minimise the damage he's done, it's not small and insignificant, he's lied, cheated, and paid for sex with other women for eleven years while he lay down in the same bed and had sex with you.
"must admit he is trying to be brutally honest and the silly questions that pop up, insignificant tings really - he answers them all and says he answers them as honestly as he can because he wants to get better."... Yep, and by confessing all to you, he no longer has any guilt, he is trying to repay what cannot be repaid.
THREE WEEKS, AND NOW HE STARTS TO SING LIKE A CANARY!!!!! I don't believe it, he's just manipulating you again, he's not even started actually dealing with anything, he's just buying time and like a naughty boy hoping you'll forgive him (which you have) and forget about it, so he can start being unfaithfull again as soon as your back is turned. Watch him like a hawk, and never forget, he's done wrong, so much wrong, and it can't be healed with a couple of weeks of good behaviour.
Sorry, wasn't gonna answer because you were given good advice, but you wanted more people to respond. When you get angry for the way you've been treated, maybe it will allow me to calm down.
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A
female
reader, annon28 +, writes (22 January 2010):
annon28 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I am truly grateful. Any help and direction I can get is appreciated. In response to the answers - I actually showed him last night and he said but they dont know ME and US - we did have the 'perfect' marriage or so I thought , he says we did he just strayed once and found it easier to carry on and cheat as he was going on, he also says he was leading a double life and got used to it did not ever think of me as he would not have done it if he had, he kept the two lives separate. One of love and devotion and family and one of sex and excitement. I must admit he is trying to be brutally honest and the silly questions that pop up, insignificant tings really - he answers them all and says he answers them as honestly as he can because he wants to get better. I have been to a Councillor once and am going again next week, he is seeing a psychosexual councillor on 1st February. My children are also involved and they are seeing councillors, but they love their dad and are willing to give him the faith and try and build trust with him, although I can see that they are hurting so bad. I fel for them more than I feel for myself. I am also a catholic - not really church going practicing but a catholic nonetheless and my beliefs are of this faith. He has started goin g to church, spoke at length to a priest last week and says he feels stronger than ever having regained his faith. It is so good having this place to write, it is helping me enormously. I have just got up from a really bad night again, I sleep for 1 - 2 hrs wake think then manage to sleep again so my sleeping pattern is all over the place. thank you wonderful people for trying to help me. Please keep the replies coming. XXX
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): You don't. Do as Honest Answer advises. He is rotten to the core. You will survive this horrible betrayal if you keep your head together and get a good solicitor. It's up to you and how you feel his behavior has impacted your union. Perhaps, you might want to carry on and just be friends. It's your call.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (21 January 2010):
You need to seriously consider leaving him. The best predicter of future behavior is past behavior. He is going to do this again. See a lawyer and get a good settlement so you can afford to look after yourself. I'm sorry, its a terrible thing to go through. I have been cheated on and it took me 3 years of believing his tears until I realised he would never change. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Here is what you need to do, and in this order:
1. Kick his butt out of your house
2. Contact a divorce lawyer
3. Get tested for STDs and AIDs
4. Make an appt for counseling
5. Get on with your life
This wasn't a one time lapse in judgement. Everytime he slept with someone other than you (and worse off, a prostitute), he put your life on the line. This cannot and should not be forgiven. You are now on notice. You are a victim, but don't hide behide that name forever. Get ahold of yourself and make a swift rational decision.
I really wish you the best.
Good Luck.
Jeff
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 January 2010):
 First and foremost get yourself checked out by your doctor, he may have given you a "present" after all. Then I'd really a a good long think about whether you truly want to keep him in your life. I mean it's been going on for 11 years, first with prostitutes and now with his bit on the side. That's more than I could forgive but maybe you can. He sounds like a hopeless cause to me however. "Cheat on me once shame on you, Cheat on me for 11 years shame on you and here's your hat".
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 January 2010):
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Sadly, this isn't just like one mistake that happened when he was drunk or hurt or something. This is a man who has been cheating on you for 11 years with hundreds of women who he spent money and time on, and has treated better than he has treated you. To top it off, even when you tested him, he'd failed miserably and lied to you about taking her number. Genuinely, I think you would be better ending it and finding a man who does love you, because it's clear to me your husband has taken you for granted, used you, lied to you, hurt you, lied to you again and he will continue to lie to you and use you. He just isn't worth all the effort, he really isn't.
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