A
female
age
41-50,
*ndependent Mummy
writes:Hello,I don’t usually ask for advice to bear with me if I provide too much or irrelevant detail. I am Christian woman married to a (moderately) Muslim man. We dated about 1.5 years before getting married. I was hesitant about marrying him because he’s Muslim (the whole unequally yoked thing) but he was also going through deportation proceedings so I had to make a tough decision, marry him or lose him forever. We were very much in love. However, things began to get ugly right before the marriage and then after. We did engage in premarital sex and at one point I wanted to stop because I was acting inconsistently with his and my beliefs but he fought with me about it and blamed his lower sex drive several months down the line on me because of it. After we were married he set up my cell phone to copy all text conversations, emails and call logs (which he has access to anyway through the phone carrier) to go to this one email account that he had access to but he never informed me he did this. When we fight my solution is to walk away/leave because I know I will get very, very, mad. Unfortunately, he does everything in his power to stop me by pinning me down and then he does bizarre things like lick all over my face or pick me up and spin me around (which causes me a great deal of stress because I can’t stand that sensation) or tells me we’re going to go have sex. His reason not to let me go is that he loves me and I need to calm down. At these times I’m usually crying, screaming at him to get away from me, leave me alone, struggling, almost hysterical to get away and he’s shouting back no and physically restraining me. Just recently this happened again and in an effort to get to door which he struggled to block me from his hand was injured and my head got slammed into the door knob. While he was pinning me down he kept telling me to calm down and almost squeezed the breath out of me several times. He went to the police afterwards to show them his hand and “make a statement”. He never really dated before me. I have two kids. One lives with us and she “hates” him. He says things like I need to make more concessions in our marriage because I brought more baggage like my daughter to it and I need to bend over backwards to do things because of my (promiscuous) history and in my opinion will appease his lack of trust. I have never given him a reason not to trust me. He demands I don’t eat pork or have alcohol and I refuse. I know people fight but this can’t be normal. If he got help would this change him?
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female
reader, PrettyGreenEyes83  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Hey there. I am married to a Muslim man myself. It can get very hard. I married him when I was 20 years old and very naive. He is never violent but he CAN be controlling, domineering and very pessimistic. He tells me what to wear, no mini skirts, not too much make up etc, I am 29 now and feel I wasted my 20s on him. We're still married I feel that giving up on marriage would be a fail so I stayed. And for the sake of our daughter. I feel he does not care that much for me but when we 1st met he was amazingly caring and protective...
Sex is..meh sometimes good, other times pretty boring. He hardly ever wants me to enjoy it, and we don't touch or kiss much anymore. I'm not sure but I think your marriage was for his pass port and convenience as it often is with men like this....
A
female
reader, CageFreeRange Eggs +, writes (2 June 2012):
First off, I agree with some points and disagree with others from those who have answered. As on all similar forums, we're just going on one side of the story. I'm just going to respond to what has been posted here, while making the disclaimer that I am trying not to make this response one-sided.Independent Mummy, I don't think you provided too much detail, in fact maybe more would only help clarify things. Please keep identifying information private though.Some issues I see are, marrying outside of your faith, deportation proceedings, internal religious conflict, lack of trust, physical restraint, police involvement, stepchildren, and his demands. I'll try to address each of these eight issues below. Regardless though, this was a rough start, how long have you been married?It seems as though there was actually love there,"We were very much in love." If you're sure he really loved(s) you then I'm thinking we can rule out that he married you to stay in the country. Did he ask you to marry him for this reason? 1.5 years of dating is a long time for someone to fake love. You also mentioned things began to get ugly right BEFORE the marriage and after. If that is a "big clue" as someone else posted, why on Earth did you get married? People walk out AT weddings, before is an even better time. If things got crazy, he could have taken his crazy with him to wherever he is from.1. Marriage outside of faith is rarely recommended, especially when both parties hold firm to their respective faiths. Did you two get counseling or advice prior to marriage or even dating? Was conversion an option for either? Do you argue or fight over your religious beliefs? 2. Was this deportation issue discussed before you got involved? If not, what was he thinking was going to happen to the two of you? Did he force the issue? Physical threats? Were you coerced into this marriage? If so, that would have been(maybe still is) your ticket out, you can contact the immigration department and see what they say.3. The internal religious conflict was just exasperated by the premarital sex. That didn't help your situation and I think its bogus he fought with you about it. He wasn't your spouse he was lucky to have it to begin with. And you were right to try to stop it.4. You mentioned you have never given him a reason not to trust you, why would he need access to your texts, emails and call logs? Did you confront him about that? Do you have equal access to his information? If so, you two both already have access to each others stuff... why was it going to this one email account? That doesn't make sense. I'm calling paranoia on that one.5. Physical restraint is wrong. Licking all over your face is just weird. Picking someone up is a display of strength. Spinning someone around is a show of control. Wanting to go have sex while fighting?? There are obvious issues here. Control, intimidation, and possibly a fetish? If you want to go, you can go, simple. He doesn't own you. You're choosing to be there, just as you chose to marry him(I think). He wants control over you in that regard. Which could be a result of his paranoia. What is he afraid of, why? This is where more information would help us as would a trip to the psych for him. Licking... and the desire to have sex while fighting... those both could go together under the fetish category, I think. Something is missing here... I'm not sure what to say. Literally, he licks your face and wants to have sex while fighting?? Could it be related to the bedroom behaviors between you two??6. Well, from what I know of domestic violence cases, if a statement(complaint) was made regarding injury during a fight between household members, someone is getting arrested, regardless if the victim presses charges or not. The police have to cover themselves. If there was violence or injury reported, and either one of you go to the police, at least one person IS getting arrested. And depending on what state you're in, if you were both aggressive, you BOTH get arrested. Did he get arrested? Did you? If no to both, then there was no complaint filed. Which brings me to the question, why did he go to the police? What exactly did he tell them? How do you know he even went to the police and what he said to them?7. Why does your daughter "hate" him? How old is she? What types of interactions have taken place to cause this "hate?" Does she witness the fights between you two? How is her relationship with her biological father? Your relationship with him? How is your relationship with her? Does your daughter want you back together with her father and her sibling for the traditional family? Does your husband abuse her? Is there any evidence of physical or sexual abuse? If so, leave, Now! How about your other child? Same type of feelings? 8. And finally, his demands. Why is he making those demands? Were these things discussed earlier in the relationship? Were roles discussed? Expectations? What demands if any are you making of him? Are you an alcoholic? Is he or was he and thus trying to stay away from it?Have either of you gotten counseling before or currently? I'm not sure it will help, but none of us are professionals either. We are all biased, flawed humans. We see things the way we want to see them and are quick to judge/post. Responses to your post alone include such things as "honour killing," and a couple people who say he's not willing to change/get help when you didn't mention anything about past or current counseling/medication. If what you've described is everyday life for you, and I believed it was exactly as you've described it, I too would have simply commented, "Leave him." I know there is a lot more to the story and a whole other side, which again may not help his case, but it is there and should be considered. I think it is high time you seriously sat down and thought about what YOU want. Do YOU want this marriage? Do YOU want this man? Do YOU think he will change? Get a counselor involved who can talk with the both of you and see where that goes. Then get a family counselor for the three of you. My advice goes on one sentence you said, "We were very much in love." I understand it says "were" but along with making that statement you said you made a very tough decision. A decision you're still trying to live with. The fact that you're posting here asking for advice also shows that that love is still there, if barely. Only you two and God know if you really love each other or not.Whatever you do, never act in anger, nothing good comes of it. Best of luck with your problems, we all need it. God bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): You say you were not keen to marry because things were unequal. So the marriage was more for convenience than anything else because he was about to be deported. Basically you were pressured into this marriage against your better judgement so that he could stay in the US. Have you considered that he might have only married you for the same reason and this is not a true love match? These things happen all the time I am afraid. Your comment about things going rapidly downhill after you married him is a big clue that things are not right at all! If he feels he has `married down` because of your past and has so little faith in you that he installed spy software on your phone AND he thinks you `owe` him because your child lives with you. Then why did he marry you in the first place, unless it was purely for convenience?Do you know what your husbands statement to the police contains? Because he could be having things officially documented against you. For all you know he told them you were acting crazy and he hurt his hand trying to defend himself. He had a good reason for running to the police and making a `statement` and I would place a bet that it was NOT to tell them he was physically restraining you against your wishes when he hurt his hand. Whatever he told them, I doubt he told them the truth. With respect. If I were you I would not worry about getting him help. I would worry about getting some help for yourself and getting out of there. Try not to argue with him. If you do it will only make things worse and your child should not be witness to such things. So try and avoid arguments. If they occur, concede and then go read a book, put on the TV or get busy with housework. Rather that than keep attempting to leave the house in a highly emotional state, when you know that will just be the flash point for further physical abuse. If he is licking your face and talking about having sex while you struggle and scream to get away. Then he is getting off on you being hysterical. So I would definitely stop doing that, not least for your neighbors sake! And never have sex after an episode because you are rewarding his bad behavior and encouraging it. Just try and remain calm and controlled if you must argue instead of losing the plot. Tolerate him as best you can...while you seek legal advice and make private plans for a swift exit! Make a police statement if your lawyer thinks it prudent and when you are in control of the situation and feel ready to go, leave this man... with no warning or forwarding address. And start divorce proceedings because the two of you are better off apart for the sake of your safety and your child`s well being.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 June 2012):
 The first thing that comes to mind is 'Thank God, you're living in the USA and not whereever he's from'. If you were I think your predicament would be so much worse.
Licking your face is certainly odd, but the rest of it is just plain domineering and overbearing.
He wants you to bend over backward for him because you're a woman, his wife. Bringing two children to the table is just his excuse. Really he ought to be thankful he was allowed in.
Your daughter is right to dislike him. He's detestable.
No amount of pills or councelling will fix what's wrong with him. It's too deeply ingrained.
You're better off leaving him, but I suggest you secretly get your ducks in a row first. Squirrel away some money, gather up or take copies of any official or otherwise important documents. Open a safe deposit box (that he can't access obviously).
Speak to an attorney who specializes in family law.
Once all that's done and you have what you need...get the hell out of there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012): I agree with the others- this is not right. Clearly he's mistreating you, and it doesn't seem like he's willing/going to change. Leave him.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (31 May 2012):
 You are right every couple fight, but no this is not normal. He is violent towards you and very controlling. Is he willing to get help? By the sounds of it I don't think he is, I think he feels he is right and it is his job to order you around. I think you would be much happier out of this marriage.
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A
female
reader, lala08  +, writes (31 May 2012):
i think you should leave him , its not a good thing for you or your kids , he doesnt sound like he loves you, it's domestic abuse.
i suggest you contact the police or someone before he does someting drastic to you , this sounds like a guy you wouldnt hesitate to hurt you or your kids.
get out of there !
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): Listen very carefully, now. You need to leave this man. I know someone in a similar position and I can say from personal experience- this man will not change no matter what type of therapy you put him through. He will increasingly become more and more controlling, and you will be so oblivious to the changes that one day you'll wake up and ask yourself: "what the hell am I doing with this psychopath?" Do you want to be the next helpless wife on the cover of a newspaper reporting an honour killing? Save yourself, and your children for that matter. Leave this man.
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