A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a 6 year relationship, we live together, and I just found out that my boyfriend frequents a couple of porn sites. I came across this by accident on my own computer. I came across this website by trying to understand why this is happening and although many people have responded to other queries about this saying its natural. But I can't help but feel hurt, betrayed, inadequate, completely unsexy. My boyfriend is aware that I found this and he says he feels embarrassed and sorry for hurting me but it doesn't make me feel better. I know people who watch porn with their significant others and thats just not me. I feel its degrading and disrespectful. My bf is away for a week on the road for work and since his coworker is with him, we can't even have a proper discussion about this topic, just text messages. He says he loves me. I don't feel loved. In a conversation with a friend of mine she asked me what would make me feel better about this. In all honestly I don't know. I feel if I ask him not to watch it, he will just be more sneaky and secretive about it. I want him to feel the hurt that I feel over this. I feel like the only way to hurt him the way he hurt me is to cheat on him, but again, thats not me, and I wouldn't do that. He said he's only been on the site a couple of times, which he is lying about because I can see how many visits he's made to one particular site. I can also see the history of the keywords he has searched and every single one of them are things that I am not. So I can't help but feel as though I am inadequate and not what he is looking for. I don't really know what I am supposed to do?!?! I don't tihnk I can accept this. I KNOW all guys look at porn, I just didn't think the ones in healthy relationships did. Maybe that was completely naive of me. Recently we have been talking about marriage and kids and the future, now I don't know if I even want to go down that path. Does this ever end? I am an accomplished professional and I want to have responsibility in my career, and to have children and I realize sex may come less frequent in the future, so does that mean his porn affiliation will grow stronger, or does it stop when life becomes busier? I dont think it will stop. I don't know. Do I break up with him over this? I am super hurt and don't even think I want to have sex with him right now. I feel that if we do, then he will just be picturing what he saw. Does he even want to be with me?I am so lost and have so many questions and just don't know what to do. Can anyone help me figure this out?? I dont want to "just get over it" - I feel that would be suppressing my feelings and leading to a future of lies. Help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008):
I cant understand the women that justify their husbands addictions on here and say its fine thats what men do so women should get over it.....are you just in denial or what???
One day he will go further and then what will you say???
"he cheated on me, oh thats fine"
All men do that too,so does that make it ok?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): I am too a victim of my husbands porn addiction. Its mainly trust issues and all the lies we have to deal with.
I am on antidepressants because of it all.
He never listened to how I felt about the whole thing n fact I could never make him understand but I got him to read these forums and I think he finally got just how women really do feel about this.
Im not 100% trusting of him yet maybe 95% but I feel him reading this forum was the best thing especially if they refuse counselling.
Even just print it and leave it next to the PC or in his mens mags....its worth a try if you want to fix your marraige.
This advice goes out to all women because I really do know how you all feel :)
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A
female
reader, Gretchen24mt  +, writes (25 November 2008):
 sweetie, you and i are on the same boat! we have a lot of other issues too though, or maybe its just me. but trust me i know the feeling, every feeling you've felt. Don't bottle it up inside. keep talking to him about it and if he's still doing it, even being more sneakier about it(which my stupid boyfriend has done) then leave him. NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR TEARS. unless he can learn to APPRECIATE AND RESPECT YOU,then he's gonna have to kick rocks.they need to learn: "respect what you have or risk losing it. a relationship is a WE thing, porn is a ME thing, and selfishness is what will make him lose you. -GRETCHEN
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female
reader, Miss Potter  +, writes (24 November 2008):
 Hi, I think one of the posters had a good point - if you break up, you are very unlikely to find a guy who will not be a porn fan.
So if you want to resolve this isssue in a contstructive way -
1) Do you want to stay with your boyfriend?
2) If yes, how do you come to terms with porn? I think the first step to accepting porn is to actually realise that the majority of people do watch it. There is soft erotics and there is hard core porn, people have different preferences but it all serves the same purpose.
Try not to be judgemental, as we grow older and have more experiences most people grow to accept others for what they are and become less judgemental. I have found that not judging people by what they do, like, behave helps me so much in socialising with different kind of people, see them for more than just the front cover!
In a way I know how you feel, although I have never had a problem with porn, I had a huge problem with my exes ex. For no particular reason. Then I had a huge problem with my exes sister having a baby outside of marriage with her scruffy boyfriend and the family only found out on the day she gave birth (they live in the same town!). I was so disgusted by this whole story that I refused to see the baby! I dont know what came over me, but I just couldnt help myself but feel this way.
Now a couple of years down the line I dont think much of it at all, it doesn't bother me. In this world so many things happen that I probably dont agree with, but I am trying not to be judgemental and see behind it.
Behind each action there is a reasoning, and for the person who does something their reasoning is important.
If you want to let your boyfriend go because of this, will you ever resent it? Do you think you can accept his habit, habit that has no effect on his love for you and your relationship?
Maybe you need some time apart to figure out whether you can move past it. As the other poster said, you are unlikely to find someone who will not watch porn. So you are better off resolving this issue now, and maybe save your relationship, rather than put it off and then this issue will arise yet again in the new relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the last poster - your post actually does help. i think its good to hear that someone else feels basically EXACTLY how i feel. it validates my feelings, and i thank you for sharing.
i am sorry that your relationship is no longer. i hope that doesnt happen to me, although, right now i just don't know how it will be when we are in the same room again - since he is away working and comes home tuesday.
what you described as feeling unsexy, inadequate, as "the woman he loves and cuddles with" when realy he fantasizes about other women sexually - that is exactly how i feel as well. i want to be everything - i don't want to be his girlfriend or wife and have him lusting after other women - and whos to say he wont go further as well, if he is not feeling as if i am good enough.
since this whole discovery is fairly new to me, i dont know right now if i can get over it or not. right now the hurt from it all is all i feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): HiI myself find it REALLY difficult to accept that my boyfriend watches porn, I myself found a porn movie in our spare room a few month ago (which he denied belonged to him) and also a sent msg log on his mobile phone to a porn site a couple of nights ago(again which he denied!) To be honest I know he is lying which hurts as it just makes me wonder what else he is capable of, maybe he's just embarrassed, but he seemed so convincing, which scares me as I wonder what else he could lie about - however, I also don't like the thought of the bittersweet taste of the truth to be honest, of hearing it out loud 'yes, I watch porn when you are not here and I get a real kick from it'. I hate the thought of him lusting after these women while maturbating and believe that he is thinking how much sexier, fitter, dirtier, etc the girls are than me, it feels like he is cheating to be honest as these women are making my man horny, they are having a piece of my man in a way, and making what we have together less sacred and special. Being flat-chested myself I also get real jealous thinking about him lusting over the women with big breasts, I imagine him thinking that mine will just never be able to arouse him as much as a pair of 34DD's! Sure, he may love me, but I feel like I just can't ever compete with them sexually and that hurts as I want to be able to do everything for him, better than any woman, sure I want him to love me, but I also want him to think I am the sexiest woman on the planet - I want to be the whole package - as he is for me. To be honest I am attractive and do have a good figure, however my chest really affects my self confidence, it just seems to be a fact that 'most' men prefer big boobs and actually I do too, I think they look much sexier and feminine.I have also started to doubt his ability to not be controlled by his c*ck, I have now lost faith in men's willpower when it comes to sexual kicks. For example, if the hottest man where to strip naked in front of you and promise you the time of your life, you would say no if you truly loved your man and preferred monogomous relationships, wouldn't you? However as men are so much easier to please, I feel they would be 'incapable' of thinking with their head rather than their genitals. I don't mean to sound naive or prudish as I do believe that most men watch porn, however until it hits you slap bang in the face you kind of live in a fantasy world where your man is the only man who doesn't...as it's just easier to get along that way I guess. I also have had a lot of different sexual experiences and don't consider myself unable to please a man, however I just h*te the fact that my man might think of me as the women he loves and cuddles and has 'mediocre' sex with, but that boy.. if you want a good time, these porn stars are the girls to do that job. I do also wonder whether he actually believes that this is true life, that a women will only orgasm via fast ferocious sex, ,moaning and groaning throughout, I too play an act sometimes just to try to meet those expectations, however I know the reality is much different if you are actually focused on pleasing yourself, I just don't think most men really grow up with that knowledge. I feel your pain and have probably not made things any better! Sorry I just wanted to thrown in my comments and also let of steam, it has been therapeutic. ps. I am actually moving back with my Mum tomorrow, I have just lost all faith in true love conquering all, I admittedly also have a lot of jealousy and confidence issues I need to sort out myself. pps. I hope you are stronger than me and get through this as love doesn't knock on your door often, god I know that, I have lost the love of my life, I really do love him, we have been together on and off for nearly thirteen years and I know I will never meet a better man...I just don't trust any man now though to be honest and would rather be on my own than to be hurt really bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): Try some self-evaluation. Why does it make you feel the way it does? Why do you lack self-confidence? Why does it make you sooo insecure? The bottom line is He's not "making" you "feel" that way...You Are! Another person can't MAKE you Feel! Our own self-image and insecurities dictate how we feel.
If you truly feel you would rather be alone than condone his interest in porn, then, you need to follow your heart. But it will be difficult to find a guy who never watches porn...so Good Luck With That!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): As long as he's not on any chatlines, I see no harm. There is some porn that turns me on. But most of it just gets boring to me. I do however, enjoy seeing women together. It just has a sensual beauty that watching a man and a woman together lacks. And I know what you are thinking...I'm not gay or even bi. I have experienced with women in the past, and no, it didn't do it for me. But never-the-less, I do enjoy girl/girl porn.
Talk to your guy and follow MissPotters' advice. Do some research on this site. See what others' have to say!
Try not to be insecure and think that he wants someone other than you. That's probably not the case. And another thing MissPotter said, Porn is just another form of pleasing self...just like masterbation. Unless you think it's becoming an addiction for him (ie: interferring with his life, work, etc) I say tell him you found the site and would like to watch it with him...you may find it is a turn on for both of you. And he'll think "Wow I have the best woman, ever!
GO WITH THE FLOW!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionk just so i'm clear, its not about the masturbation part of it. its the way porn in particular makes me feel
i know its a subjective topic, im not saying watching porn or not watching it is right or wrong. i just don't like it. and im super hurt right now.
i guess its my own internal issue
i guess its my fault that i feel this way but i can't help it
i can tell myself not to feel upset and its normal but its not helping
thts how i feel
ive read up on this so much in the past 3 days
and i know that most guys do it, and its considered normal but i can't help but hate it still
i quite frankly right now would rather be single for life then feel disrespected and self conscious - which is the way that my boyfriend watching porn makes me feel
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (22 November 2008):
1) Read up more answers to similar questions, and I mean lots like 10-20 answers to get the full picture
What you will find is that almost all guys do it.
That there is nothing wrong with porn.
That he still loves you.
That you dont have to like porn or watch it with him, just allow him some privacy if he needs it.
One question for you, do you mastrubate yourself? If you do, what do you think of? To give you a hint, guys watch porn cause it helps them finish. Guys love with their eyes, girls with their ears. For example I am a highly visual person, so I watch porn as well to "get off", and also it stimulates my fantasy if I do it in the shower or I am with my boyfriend. Besides, I do it everyday, I just cant imagine getting told off by my boyfriend for going to porn websites...the idea is kinda ridiculous...
Anyway, I suggest you read up more on the topic and do not rush in any conclusions, calm down first.
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