A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a very big problem.So. I had been dating a very nice individual, lets call him bob, for about 7 months and I thought we were very much in love. A few months before I broke it off with him I started to feel distant and then I felt love, but more, friend love. Now heres the awful. A week before I broke it off with him, I emailed my ex roommate, lets call him pete, who I was intimate with to see if hed like to be friends again (long story short, Ive been in love with him for years). We ceased being romantic because in essense he was an emotionally rude asshole. We emailed back and forth and hung out, never did anything physical, but we both confessed were in love with the other. He told me he feels terrible about the way he treated me and that hes a completely new person. And he is, he is everything i always wanted him to be. kind, considerate, attentive, and loving. It was the final push i needed to break it off with my current. Its been two weeks and I am very much in love with pete and have completely shattered bob to the point hes contemplating giving up on life. Because of the way pete treated me all my friends are upset and dont want to deal with me. Bob is telling me that if he cant have me as a partner than he still wants to be my best friend but all he does is cry and be sad when we hang out. Bob has no one, no real friends, and I fear that if i dont be his friend he will do something terible to himself. I know i need to tell bob that i am going to start dating pete but I dont know how the hell he will take it and he is so fragile. I am completely lost and I feel so evil I cant even function. Advice, oh please, I need advice.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 There is no way to 'do it' so to speak, you simply have to come out with it and tell him. If you have been emailing each other, then do it via email. Simply tell him you are sorry to have to tell him this but you wanted him to hear it from you, that you are seeing someone else (dont need to tell him who). Dont say anything like 'I hope you are ok with this' or 'I hope we can still be friends' because it is like telling him something really hurtful but he has no choice other than to be ok with it.
Chances are he wont react well, that he wont be ok with it and may well wont want to carry on this friendship. Which in fact is probably the best thing for him, carrying on this pseudo friendship is not the best way for him to get over you. What he needs is no contact with you, and this news might actually push him to stop the contact with you.
All you can tell him is that you are seeing someone else, and that you wanted him to hear it direct from you. Dont try and soften the blow, dont try and give him any details about how long or who it is etc - just tell him in the simplest way that you are seeing someone, end of story.
If he doesnt want to continue the friendship anymore, dont try and talk him out of it - it would be the best thing for him. And if he starts talking about dark thoughts he's having again, contact his parents or the samaritans for advice, you are not responsible for his mental health and he has bigger problems than just a break up if he is thinking that way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. it been a couple more weeks and bob is, well, better. we havent been hanging out but weve been doing some light emailing. He is dealing with this better, or so he says, and isnt sending me messages regarding dark thoughts.
My next issue is, I am definitely in a relationship with pete. He is my love and I am very happy.
I need to tell Bob, before he somehow finds out another way. How do i do it?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 March 2013):
Can you speak to Bob's parents and let them know he is not coping well?
What Bob needs is space away from you to get over you, being close to you is not helping, he needs time when he doesnt speak to you or see you in order to get over you. I know you are afraid for him, but he is not your responsibility and you cannot not live your life just through fear over what he might do. I think you should call him, and explain that you are worried about how fraglie he is at the moment and that you think the best thing for him is to have some space away from you in order to get over the relationship. Tell him that you would like to be friends in the future, but right now you both need time and space to get over it and move on.
He will probably try and talk you out of it - but be firm with him and tell him that you want a few months of no contact and not seeing each other, that you know this is the best thing for him and you are sorry but this is your final decision.
If he tries to text you or speak to you after this conversation, simply dont reply until he gets the point. I know it will be hard and you are scared for him, but you are not his mother, you are not responsible for his mental health and if something like a break-up has made him suicidal then he needs to get professional help because he has more issues at work there than just being upset over a break up.
As I said before, speak to his parents before you speak to him if possible to make them aware of how badly he is dealing with this, tell them you are going to speak to him to tell him you will not be in touch for a few months because you feel he needs space away from you, and ask them to watch out for him. Aside from that there is nothing more you can do.
Dont mention pete to anyone, he doesnt really matter at this stage and will only make things worse.
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