A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a 14 yr relationship. This has my first in every aspect. I was 18 and he was 19. During the 14 yr relationship he has lied and cheated several times. Each woman that he has been with has known about our relationship and still decided to be involved with him.1 yr. after we were together he cheated and impregnated the girl thus having his first child, a boy. I broke up with him and he begged me to come back to me and I did. Although, he had this baby by this younger girl, he showed me that he had no desire to be with her and I believed him. His relationship with their son was not perfect by far because I was not happy with the fact that he had a son by someone else and the child's mom was not happy that I was in the picture. We worked though it and 4 yrs later, I became pregnant and had a girl.Immediately after I had the baby we moved in together and continued on with our relationship. I thought everything was ok. My daughter was 2 months old and i found out that he was cheating with another woman, who was a few yrs older than myself and him. I soon found out that she was pregnant by him but decided to abort. Oddly enough, I was hurt and indecisive as to if I should leave. I had a 2 month old child and at the time I was jobless. He finally cut this woman out of his life and we tried to start over. While my daugther was 5 he met another woman (older than him and myself) in which he had a relationship with and also got her pregnant. She had a son whom she named after him. He denied that he knew this woman and that he had any relationship with her although she was calling our house several times a day. She even called while she was in labor. During this time he asked me to marry him (probably out of guilt and fear that I would leave-i said no). Later, I found out that she lived out of state and was visiting her parents in our hometown. To this day, he has never admitted that this child was his son or that he had a relationship with her. Recently, I found her # stored in his phone and I called her. Her son is now % yrs old. I found out that he has only seen this child once and that she occassionally comes to my hometown and brings the child to his mom's house. Now there is yet another woman that he has cheated on me with. She's younger than him and myself and she has 1 yr old daugther. At the time in which he conceived this child we were not living together. We were waiting for the construction on our townhouse to finish up. I was temporarily staying with my mom and he made me believe that he was staying with his aunt. unfortunately, we could not stay @ my mom's together because we were not married. I found out a few months later that he was staying with this woman and she called me because she could not get a hold of him and was worried about him. During this conversation she announced that she was pregnant and that he had been living with her the whole time. I informed him that I knew all about it and that she was pregnant. Again, being stupid I allowed him to come live with us in our new home. he has always been an outstanding father to my daughter but a horrible boyfriend to me. anyway the girl had the baby and it was a girl. I told him shortly after she had the baby that I didn't think our relationship would last. I was fed up and I've been through this too many times. Each time it gets harder and harder to deal with. I can not longer deem these as mistakes as he liked to put it. we lived under the same roof for a yr and half after this baby was born but I finally had enough when I learned that he was still seeing the young girl. Finally, I put him out and I found out that he is staying with this girl. He now refuses to be the father that he has always been to my daughter. I am so hurt by this and my daughter notices her dad's absence. I still love this man as odd as it seems. It bothers me that he's living with her now. I know that I should be glad that he's gone because our relationship was so toxic and he's shown that this is pattern but I can't help the fact that I still love him. Part of me, still wants to try and make this thing work. but it is so difficult, my daugther is not handling the idea that she has a little sister that dad needs to pay attention to. She's used to being daddy's little girl. this is a big adjustment for her as well. I'm so confused, hurt and drained all at the same time. What should I do?
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, conceive, moved in, no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 June 2010):
 One of the biggest problems right now is that you still love this man. As important as it is to understand the true nature of love, you need to also understand what love is not.
Love is not deceptive, humiliating, or manipulative. Love should not hurt most of the time. I read somewhere that "Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness." What "goodness" does this man have that makes you love him so?
If you want to move on from this relationship, consider this: what you likely feel for this man is not love, but co-dependence. You have spent 14 years trying to get this man to do the right thing. You took him back not because you loved him, you took him back all those times because you wanted him to love YOU. With every infidelity, every child born outside of your relationship, you probably wanted to hear your husband say "I feel so guilty about everything I've done to you," but he never did. And because you kept taking him back, he kept cheating. And yet you still hold on and think about making it work because you'd rather have a toxic life with him rather than live without him (co-dependency).
Your love for your daughter must be greater than your "love" for this man, and having him in your home is not good for her in the long run. She may miss his presence, but so do all of the other children he's created and not taken care of so don't use this as a reason to try to salvage this train-wreck of a relationship. Woman up, and set the example for her that it's not acceptable to put up with a lying, cheating man. Get your sense of self-worth back and talk to a professional so you don't find yourself in another relationship like this.
Please take care of yourself. Love doesn't require that you be anyone's doormat.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Get help, see a theripst you need it. This is not about him any more but you. Get an HIV TEST ASAP. Focus on your daughter, get her into therpoy too.
You have given this man 14 years of your life - keep this up and you might as well give him the rest. Why not just be his houskeeper, at least you would get paid to clean up his shit. Or make him pay for sex that way you can feed your kid. I am sorry but at some point you need to love yourself more. No one will ever love you or respect you until you love and respect you.
...............................
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (5 June 2010):
 You made so many mistakes in this relationship starting with taking him back the first time.
He didn't change he continues to cheat.
Imagine if you have kicked him out when he first cheated, you would have probably met someone else a person that would treasure you and adore you,and respect you, but you took him back.
He has shown you that he is not going to change, I understand it hurts that he is gone, but think of you. If you continue with him he will continue creeping around. You choice to stay because you love him and than what happens he gets tired of you and decides to leave you for a 20 year old after all the pain that you took from him he still leave you only difference is that you are now 60 what now .
Your going to regret devoting your life to him and wish you would have left him at 20 when he first cheated. Your in your 30 now and you are so young and can still find her prince charming. Good Luck and don't drop anymore tears for a cheater he is not worth it!
...............................
A
male
reader, jonathan314 +, writes (5 June 2010):
I would give you an answer if I knew myself. I think we are in the same boat emotionally, although I have the luxury of not having children with the person I miss. In my experience though, with people I've met that have had really horrible spouses, usually they find someone that is in their same situation and we work great as a couple. It seems that there is a group of destructive, lying, cheating people that ruin the hearts of everyone around them and the rest of us are left to pick up the pieces. You'll find someone that has picked up their pieces and one day you'll share them with them. At least that's what I hope.
...............................
|
