A
female
age
30-35,
*ngel90
writes:Dear cupidIm talking abt the same guy i found out has a gf a year ago. An online relationship that i wrote about that was hurting me and later realised that all along was a lie. im completely to be blamed for staying in this relationshio although he had a girlfriend. he gave me false hopes. he said he loves me. he said he will always be there for me. . why did i make myself the one to be used? there were too many time i decided to end this relationship this year. he just did not let me go! he would act all hurt! say he needed me, say dont go. i dont know why i hanged on. why did i keep going back to him when i missed him? he was too busy to call me, i called him all the time! there were a few nice moments that didnt last at all. He has hurt me so much. i wish there's something to heal my heart as right now i can feel it break in my chest. its painful. he just asked me to go away! he said he wants to be truthful to his gf. Why didnt he let go of me before? when i said pls go why didnt he let me go. my heart is filled with pain and regrets. why didnt i realise the first time i wrote here on july 2012 that online relationships JUST DONT LAST? im crying over how stupid i was. i crying over how used i was. i'm crying over the pain of someone really close leaving me just like that. im sorry this has been long but i've learnt the very hard way. i know there is life after this. right now my heart is shattered. dear cute angel and so_very confused, i wish i had talked to either one of you and gotten out of this before. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Angel90 +, writes (5 October 2013):
Angel90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind replies. i know i have to go thru this. in fact i know why i did not let him go. i really really din not want to hurt him. i was naive. i have completely understood online relationships. it has been a very painful experience for me. but i know i will be ok. i have no choice. atleast i know i will get alot of peace not having to think abt a selfish guy that i never thought could be this hurtful and cold. i noe i have ended misery of having to chase after someone pointless. for a while online relationships were an escape from reality..now i have to focus on real friends. i wish i never went thru this phase in my life but i know it was all an experience. :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Why didn't you walk away?
Well, I'm sure there are many reasons as to why you didn't. We usually stay because we get "something" out of the situation. Or because we feel we can't leave, having nowhere to go. Or simply having hope that it will all work out in the end.
What you (my guess) got out of it, was you felt wanted and needed by him. And that is why you disregarded your gut instinct that screamed walk away. You DO write.. WHY didn't HE let me go? Well, he was having his cake (the GF) and eating it too (you). So double the fun for him. You were far enough away to not be a threat to his relationship. At ANY time YOU could have said, no more and block him, ignored his calls, left him alone. It wasn't up to him to "let" you go. It has always been up to you to walk away when you know the situation is wrong.
But you really NEED to stop beating yourself up.
Online relationship are mainly fantasy. I know, I know it FEELS real. But if there is no intent on meeting up and BEING together, it's FICTION.
Time for you to move forward, take some time to think on what happened and why you "let" him keep you hanging on even after you found out about the GF. Think about what you will do in the future and accept that you AN trust your gut instincts.
I suggest you write him a long long letter spelling it all out - don't mail it but when you feel done grieving over this relationship, you burn it and let it go.
Chin up. Move on
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): Please don't punish yourself. You got what online relationships offer. He was romantic, he made you feel needed and special.This makes the brain release endorphins; which are feel-good hormones. It's like the pleasure of eating chocolate or a great kiss. The longer you continued the LDR, the more you allowed yourself to become seduced by his charms and sweet-talk. It made you feel good. You developed a love-addiction.That's the danger of getting too emotionally involved through social media, and restricting your love-life to virtual connections online with men.Online-formed relationships are more make-believe than they are real. However; they still allow people to feel emotions. If you Skype, exchange smartphone pics, you only reinforce your addiction by getting images. The more supply you receive, the more you feed your habit. You'll get seriously hooked. It produces the same chemicals in the brain, as found in people with drug-addiction. Therefore, withdrawal symptoms are the same. They also produce those good hormones, just as you receive if you actually hugged, kissed, or made love. You survived on hope, and his charm. You now have to go through your withdrawal, and that isn't going to be easy.The most important thing, is not to accept the blame for it all. He had a major involvement, and he also enjoyed your response. He kept it up as long as you were receptive.The withdrawal symptoms will subside over due time. You'll wrestle with your feelings, until your mind recovers from the detachment and withdrawal process. You have feelings and you're human, and beating yourself up really isn't fair, nor productive. Everybody wants to feel love. Even if a little fantasy is involved.Give yourself some time to shake it off. You're a little gullible, and your feelings may be a bit raw. So try not to get emotionally involved with anyone for some time. Do try to go on a date to just get your legs back. That might be therapeutic for you. Just some fun and dancing.No emotional involvement. No strings attached. You need distraction. You deserve it.You haven't really allowed your mind to get used to dealing with a "person to person connection." He held you psychological hostage to your online love-addiction. He manipulated you.You have to reprogram and tweak your interpersonal skills. You need to be able to be around men, without attaching emotionally. If you can't, that is a problem. It's curable, and doesn't really require counseling. Just deliberate practice. In reality, you have no choice. You have to purchase and read publications from professionals on the subject.Just appreciate male company and companionship. Just make friends without being clingy and desperate. That takes effort. Most guys will end it, and will not commit to you if they see too much desperation or neediness. You'll always feel rejected. That's why online-fantasy relationships seem so appealing. They are not real. You can create anything you like.You have to be mature. You're no longer a little girl begging for attention. You should stay single for an extended period for more emotional and psychological development. Dependency can make you search for the same kind of unrealistic, or unsuccessful relationships with men. You are going to have to make a deliberate attempt; in order for your life to rise above always wallowing in a mess you've made. Being in situations where you feel powerless, vulnerable, and dependent. You have some work to do. You can always ask for advice, but it is useless if not put into practice. Otherwise; you're not seeking advice, you're venting and looking for empathy. Letting people pat you on the head; and show their pity for the sad little girl. Then you go back and repeat the same stuff.You're a grown woman and you must learn to take charge and not let pure emotion rule your life. That can be foolish. Thus your present situation.The good news is, you'll live! You'll learn.You have to work to overcome this; before you're ready to handle anything real. Take care of yourself, make a little fun of your boo boo's. A lot more people can relate to your post than you can imagine! A lot!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Angel: CALM DOWN!!!! There are oodles of times that some guy hurts some girl.... and NO GIRL ought to make herself over some guy who has proven to be a complete a$$hole!!!!
You, Lady, are entitled to your sore feelings.... BUT, now, pick yourself up.... brush off the dust... take a deep breath and say to yourself.... "OK, A$$hole (him), you got me to feel bad about myself.... but THAT was fleeting...and NOW I am feeling 'way better about myself... AND, my life is going on... AND, you aren't in it... AND, I'm going to make the best of the rest of the time the Good Lord has given me here on this Earth....
Goood luck.....
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Don't beat yourself up, it's easy to fall for those nice words. This is a learning experience and can make you stronger. You need to hold your head up high and focus on your life. Don't think about what he is up to just get out there and do nice things for you.
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