A
female
age
41-50,
*etrayed03
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years now and on the weekend of my birthday we rented a resort and invited some friends to celebrate. Well when he fell asleep something told me to check his phone and I did. That's when I found out! I had my suspicions since December but no proof. He was constantly texting a lot. When I asked him who he was texting he would name all of his male friends and sister. He made me feel guilty that I believed him. This went on until this month when I found out. He told me that it only lasted two weeks yet when I checked our phone accounts I found otherwise. He didn't sleep with her but the fact that he was giving her the attention I needed and told him about, hurts! He says he's sorry for hurting me and he wants me, needs me etc... I love him despite of that and at the same time this is going on his grandpa is very sick and on his last days. I told him we would work things out but it hurts a lot. I try not to think about it but any little thing triggers it... What do I do?
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female
reader, betrayed03 +, writes (1 April 2010):
betrayed03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi q1605, thanks for your comment and I agree with you. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. He apologizes for what he did, though I am extremely hurt because we had an agreement. Our agreement was to leave each other if we were gonna cheat or find somebody else. When I asked him about our agreement he told me that he loves me that's why he didn't break up with me. How considerate of him!!! It makes me angry to think that all this time it was me the reason we were having problems because he started the affair when we were having problems. Either way I didn't go out there and cheated on him because of it. I do remind him that I'm still hurt, it's hard not to. I cry every day or every other day because I'm still in disbelief. I just never expected that from him. He really disappointed me and I let him know that.
A
female
reader, betrayed03 +, writes (1 April 2010):
betrayed03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionO.k so I fount out about his betrayal 3 weeks ago, and I find it hard to move forward with him. I find myself throwing things in his face about what he did. I know I shouldn't do that because he will get tired but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward and forget about all the pain and hurt he's caused. Just today I told him that my love for him it's not the same. He just asked me if I wanted him to leave, if I wanted to end things. I don't, I want to try and work things out because obviously I do care and love him, just not the same way. Things have changed between us, he is doing things around the house, cooks for me and still I feel us distant. Any advice?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 March 2010):
 No sweat, Texas is a really big state.
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A
female
reader, betrayed03 +, writes (30 March 2010):
betrayed03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, I should've not put that info.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (29 March 2010):
 The next step? I guess.. he needs to understand that you are hurt because of him and that you will be untrusting and maybe even slightly paranoid for a while. He has to be patient and understanding and when you question him every time he texts someone and ask to see the message sometimes, he has no right to be mad. Did you mention checking the phone log? I hope not, but probably. The more ways you have of confirming his truths and lies the better, and the fewer he knows you have, the better. That way, you can slowly confirm that he is being honest with you and build your trust back up. It would be hard to do without proof.
So I guess what I'm saying is that you two just have to be on the same page. He has to understand what you're going through and you have to know exactly what he's thinking about all of this.
Aside from that, you just have to accept that it's in your head. In a month, it will be in your head less, and less a month from then. By that time you'll probably be a lot more able to push it out of your head with a distraction. A year from now it'll probably still pop up in your head but it will get a lot easier. You'll always remember it but you will get over the hump. Just try not to concentrate on her and him, and spend more time thinking about your own relationship with him and how you can both make it better, and make each other feel special.
The advice for getting over something is wide spread and redudant. Give it time.
~sy
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A
female
reader, betrayed03 +, writes (29 March 2010):
betrayed03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Sincerely Yours & the Anonymous writer, the next day after I found out the womans husband called me & I told him everything. My boyfriend is no longer working there, I asked him to quit only because the husband went to HEB and asked workers about him including me. I was originally gonna ask him to transfer. I just found out that she no longer works there & changed her number. He already cut her off entirely, I've been checking our phones account & so far no calls from her. I want to move forward I just don't know how?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010): If they worked together and he is sending her sexual text messages, sorry to break it to you, but they had sex. Ever heard of a lunch break? Or how about immediately before or after work? He is still lying to you about this.
If you decide to stay with him, tell him to confess to this woman's husband, too. If he says he will do anything to keep you, add this to the list of "anything". Make him own up to everyone he has hurt and deal with ALL of the consequences of his behavior, including an ass-whooping from the husband. Tell him if he wants the relationship to work he needs to find another job or get transferred to another department or shift. Make him work for your forgiveness.
Personally, I think you should t this thoughtless, selfish, immature liar go. Grandpa being sick is not an excuse for him to disrespect you after you've been with him for 11 years, nor is it a reason for you to stay with him. He broke the trust in the relationship, so don't you start pitying him because he's crying and begging.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (29 March 2010):
Well that's completely different.
They aren't "just words." They came from feelings and turned into words and therefore reflect what he wants and feels.
That in my book, is cheating and a whole other story. I don't think I would divorce my husband for that, but I would sit down and have a VERY long talk with him. If he wants your relaitonship to work, he has to cut her off entirely.
If you think you'll never truly forgive him or get over it, then I guess you can't be with him. A relationship with lingering hurt or resentment is doomed for many arguments and bad memories.
~sy
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A
female
reader, betrayed03 +, writes (28 March 2010):
betrayed03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again thanks for the comments. As to Sincerely Yours, the text messageswere sexual, she called him names I call him when were intimate. He told her things he wanted to do to her sexually. Anyways he says they were just words & nothing else. So no it wasn't innocent. He would send her I miss you messages & even bookmarked 2 I miss you websites for her! I am so hurt! I never expected that from him...
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 March 2010):
Oh I just had to take a nice, long break. Been a little busy. Started online school and the hub came back to the states so I've been driving 600 miles every weekend to go see him. Also had a homeless person move in with me for a couple months so I was spending more time with her. I'm glad to see you're still around the site.
~sy
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 March 2010):
Oh, by the way q1605, I read that first line of your post without seeing your screen name and thought to myself "that's got to be q."
Just thought you should know what distinctive diction you have.
Love, ~sy
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (28 March 2010):
I'm sorry that you are hurt.
I don't see how you can stop yourself from thinking about it honestly, so you'll just have to give it time.
I'm guessing he just became friends with this woman and found comfort in talking to her above other people, which is hurtful to you but he didn't cheat on you and by what you've written, I don't think he speaks sexually with her. His wrong was lieing, and he may have done so to keep you from reading more than there was in the situation. There have been a couple of things that hurt my feelings in my marriage that my husband does. But they aren't unfaithful and they aren't wrong, they're justs things I don't like. I decided one day that I just had to accept them, and ever since then, I've been able to let them go and stop thinking about them.
Maybe it's possible for you to accept that he was friends with her and liked talking to her.
As long as they weren't exchanging photos or talking about sex, I think it was probably innocent.
I understand that he lied and you'll have trouble trusting him now and probably for a long time to come. I personally don't believe that a liar is a liar, because it depends on the type of liar. Every person lies every now and then because they're afraid, or they want to protect themselves or someone else, and some people lie habitually, to get attention and for lord knows what other reasons. I believe you know if your husband lies because he's afraid or if he lies because he has nothing better to do.
He's an example: My husband has been deployed for the passed year. Within the first six months that we were together (before marriage) he told me he quit smoking. I smelled it on him all the time, but he said he didn't and since he was at the armory all day where every single other guy smokes, I tried my hardest to believe him. Then when he went to Afghanistan, he admitted to have never quit smoking, in fact, he smoked four packs a day while he was there. You can imagine my intial reaction involved tears and anger, but within a week I came to realize something: I was so controlling about his smoking habits and probably made him feel like if he didn't stop smoking, there would be horrible consequences. So he was afraid. He couldn't stop smoking and he was horribly stressed out, being infantry like he was so he kept smoking, but he didn't want to lose me. (He wouldn't have though). So I forgave him. I realized that by working with him to help him slowly reduce his cigarettes per day and making him feel comfortable talking to me about it, there is no reason for him to feel he has to lie. He's now down to one every other day.
I guess what I mean to ask you is, how controlling are you over who he texts, talks to and hangs out with? Does he agree with you on your conditions and boundries for all these topics?
Relationships that involved the fear-liars usually build up from limitations that are not fully agreed upon by each person; or one person putting the other person on a pedistool that the sitter can't compete with, so he/she lies to make his/her partner think he's as perfect as she thinks and wishes he is.
I guess if I found that my husband was texting a woman all the time and lieing about it, I would be very angry and hurt. I think also I might ask him how important of a friend she is, and if she means something to him (AS JUST A FRIEND), I might try to meet her and involve myself in it. I don't want to take away a good talking-buddy from him if she gives him comfort at work.
But I would also tell very gently that if he is developing any sort of feelings that cross a line, that I would really like him to remove her as a temptation, so that we can keep our relationship strong and happy. That girl friends are ok, as long as that's all it is and all it will ever be.
What I learned from everything I've been through with my husband, is that I can't give the illusion that things like smoking, or talking to other girls would ruin the relationship. I have to be open with everything so that he can feel ok coming to me with any guilt, problem or temptation, and so that I can go to him.
Hope I helped.. If not, sorry for the enormous, pointless rant.
~sy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010): You need to heed your own intuition.
No matter what he says to you, a liar is a liar (a character flaw that doesn't go away). Unfortunately, it's that simple.
You have some hard choices ahead, and my heart goes out to you.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, betrayed03 +, writes (28 March 2010):
betrayed03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your answers, though I don't think they slept together. I found out she is married with two kids. They worked together, according to him that's the only time they saw each other for he had two jobs. We were having problems, arguments, I felt neglected, etc...
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A
female
reader, LostGirlAnna  +, writes (28 March 2010):
I was a "Girl on the side" not too long ago. It went on over a year and he was always telling me he loved me. I never went and met him because I didn't have a good feeling but it never seemed to bother him. I found his relationship status on facebook was in a relationship. I checked the girl out and her profile picture was of the both of them (him kissing her). I send him really hard core messages and he gf (who he now is wanting to marry) still doesn't know. Both him and her have cheated, so I didn't let myself feel bad. But before I knew I felt disgusting.
That girl is better than him and you are better than your man. My guy did it over and pver again, not all guys are the same, but once you get away with it. It's so easy for them to think it's okay and acceptable to treat you that way. If I was you I'd be angry and make sure he never forgot what a mistake he had made.
Always remeber; Plenty of fish in the sea
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 March 2010):
 To be betrayed is a great sin . I hope that you will be able to forgive him out of your kind and generous heart . Pray and let God heal your pains and hurts.Give your burdens to Him and He will carry it for you .
Think more positive and time will heal those pains.
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A
female
reader, LostGirlAnna +, writes (28 March 2010):
I was a "Girl on the side" not too long ago. It went on over a year and he was always telling me he loved me. I never went and met him because I didn't have a good feeling but it never seemed to bother him. I found his relationship status on facebook was in a relationship. I checked the girl out and her profile picture was of the both of them (him kissing her). I send him really hard core messages and he gf (who he now is wanting to marry) still doesn't know. Both him and her have cheated, so I didn't let myself feel bad. But before I knew I felt disgusting.
That girl is better than him and you are better than your man. My guy did it over and pver again, not all guys are the same, but once you get away with it. It's so easy for them to think it's okay and acceptable to treat you that way. If I was you I'd be angry and make sure he never forgot what a mistake he had made.
Always remeber; Plenty of fish in the sea
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (28 March 2010):
How do you know they didn't sleep with each other?If he carried a lie this long what make you think they didn't have sex??? You sound like my gf though. I was caught after 9 months of texting my fling on the side (90% of men have one TRUTH BE TOLD)anyway when I feel asleep and left my cell in the bathroom after I took a shower. my fling sent me a text and I didn't have it on vibrate.My gf read EVERYTHING me and the fling would have sex like it was going out of style. (that hard core sex)She was upset but got over it quik.If he's being home the bread, you'll get over it
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