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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have had a life with little affection, ( Not talking sex or romance!!)Have had tiny bit of that yrs ago.Am talking simple human affection, a hug a pat on the shoulder, etc we all need this as humans and while some people arent comfortable with non sexual affection between friends etc, which is them..some people are and are lucky enough to have a shoulder to cry on or someone to hug.The few friends I have are not "huggy" people (which is fine, to each their own..I accept this)and.. I would NEVER try to hug them as they are not comfortable with this, and would think it inappropriate or even think im weird or that I may be making a pass at them, NOT what I want!sometimes I need a hug so much it hurts, we all do, dont we??I dont have family near by and dont feel comfortable hugging them when I do see them, ( i dont often see them)when I see people on tv or online or real life it hurts and i feel happy for them but sad and envious at times, not all the time, just sometimes. I have heard of hug clubs, no such thing where I live and I am not allowed a pet due to my landlord.How can I get over this feeling of missing out and feeling so left out.and no, I am not going to hug random strangers!!im not a weirdo, just another human who is not hugged, there must be others around..advice?thankyouplease dont be nasty! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): I was brought up in a loving family but not tactile, huggy or emotional. I grew up not feeling comfortable with human closeness and huggy people. As an adult I look back at old photographs and see how unatural I look (standing miles apart from people who were having the same photograph taken).Of course it's natural to feel that human connection. I found this out when I grew into a young woman amongst my new huggy friends and even meeting strangers who Were tactile. It was a new experience and I found it so cute that I thought I am gonna 'risk' been open. Years later In my everyday work while nursing, I always hold patients hands when I talk to them.Although you can't go round hugging people or TREE'S sometimes we have to extend our hand a little bit more and risk to connect with people.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): If you feel you need a hug just say to a friend, oh I feel so down today, feel like I need a hug. It's okay to say you need human contact and sometimes people just find you too reserved and wouldn't offer but would be glad to hug you if you only ask. Sometimes when I'm cold I just say gosh I'm so cold can you give me a good warm hug to help me defrost, works every time. when you meet friends/relatives kiss them and hug them, just open your arms and say Oh c'me here it's been a while... or oh let me give you a hug it's been while since I last saw you, stuff like that, and if you can't be friendly because you're afraid people will misinterpret your gesture of friendship/ affection for making a pass on them might be the case of you having friends who don't know you well in which case they are just acquaintances. You can't live your life afraid of what people will think of you, just be friendly and open, don't be afraid to hug people and you'll be hugged back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): I give advice on this website, because I understand people like you. My up-bringing and family environment played a huge part in who I am today.
I was raised and nurtured in a hugging, loving, and playful environment. Once I grew up and moved away; I thought there would be a deficiency of closeness; and people would be cold and distant.
I got very homesick when I joined the military. You think being a guy, the fellas would be put off by displays of affection. Graduation day after basic-training was a hug-fest. Parting with guys being shipped off to serve was just another reason to show a brother love in the form of an embrace. I will forever hold on to offering hugs when needed. A strong shoulder. I do, because people will save one for me when I need it. I never greet or part with friends or family without a hub. It's a small gift of humanity and a tiny bit of love.
I found that being myself makes people comfortable around me. So I get hugs and cheek-kisses from friends, co-workers, and neighbors all the time. Because they recognize my openness, and I never make people feel put off. I extend a hand and a smile when I first meet people. We part with a hug once we've had a friendly and welcoming introductory conversation. I let them in and I lean close while talking to people. I don't invade their space or spray them with spittle. I mean I lean in slightly toward them and look them in the eyes. It's an invitation to scan my personality and test my sincerity.
If you're relaxed and your shields are down; people sense instinctively that you are physically approachable.
If you're stiff or guarded. They keep their distance. Keep your palms visible and arms relaxed at your sides; but not touching your body. When talking hold the palm up and out.
Hands in front of the body. It says, you've nothing to hide.
That is welcoming body-language. Don't fold your arms, place your hands on your hips, or put your hands behind your back. That is telling people not to touch you. Keep their distance.
Chin up and chest out. I love hugging women who offer a nice warm bosom. Not in a sexual way. In a cuddly way. I like bear hugs from big guys. I like a firm handshake, and when women hold your hand soft and gently in theirs. It feels very comforting and reassuring. I feel fuzzy and warm all over. Those are endorphins released when we make human contact.
I look forward to going home during holidays and vacations; because I am re-energized by the love received from my siblings and their families. Hugs that you can feel long after you stop. That lingering warm glow that makes you light-headed. The endorphin-rush to beat all!
I know that sometimes you're not looking for sympathy; or a bunch of pity-coated reassuring words. You just need to be close to another human being, and feel a good hug. A hug says a lot without the use of words. It is much more sincere, and the spirit needs things that aren't sterile and intellectual. The spirit requires acknowledgement of your existence and your feelings. You crave contact on every level. To share your space willingly and invite people in, close to share heartbeats. I know exactly what you mean.
You have to seek people like yourself. So you do volunteer work at a children's hospital, shelter for battered women, and do public service that keeps you in close contact with people. You volunteer time in an animal shelter. You read to the elderly in a retirement home; and volunteer to be on committees at your place of worship; to be available to visit the sick and grieving families. Always accept invitations to parties, weddings, and family celebrations.
Hugging is required.
There is always some charitable organization looking for people to offer their time and participation. People who are in need and worse off than we are. Not looking for pity, but needing compassion and searching for a humanitarian spirit. That's what drives me to help.That's why I'm here on DearCupid.
People offer you hugs in appreciation for help and support.
Hugs from gratitude are more sincere, and they are very uplifting. I speak from personal experience.
Here is a hug from me. I offer you words of comfort; and hope my suggestions will lead you to where you need to be.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I seem to be having trouble expressing the advice I think you need. I've had some experience in the last few weeks with people who needed what you need. Specifically Hugs.
One who is a woman in my church congregation who has recently become single (Maybe recently is the wrong word 1-3 years). While she lives close to me and I have had much interaction with her over the years, I never thought of h er as a person who would need as hug. She is very independent and strong willed. So it is natural to assume that she doesn't have needs. The other day she expressed thanks publicly to a sister who had taken time to give her a hug on a bad day. Without her saying that I would never have known that she had that need though after thinking about it I should have known that since she is now single she will not have as much chance for touching as she had in the past.
I wonder if your friends are like me and don't realize your needs. Perhaps they are less uncomfortable than you know. Their relationship with you is just defined as non hugging and they don't understand that this is not what you desire. For example this sister in my ward who is very proper, would never ask a man for a hug, but there is no reason why I shouldn't shake her hand at every meeting. Certainly I would do that for a friend whose needs I recognize. The problem is me recognizing the need. Until you communicated your needs today, I had not thought about her as needing that even though she expressed her thanks just recently.
I hope I am making sense. I think your friends would be willing to meet your needs if they could be made to see them. What you are asking for is not hard to give. If you needed food or money or help around the house or with your car, would they not go out of their way to help? You are probably going to have to make the first uncomfortable stretch to change the way your relationship is defined with them.
My advice is that you stop suffering in silence.
FA
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A
female
reader, BlueMusician  +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I am not a huggy person either, even when I'm around (good) friends. I am not touchy-feely like most people I know and frankly, it freaks me out. Only a couple of years back I was fine with someone hugging me. Before that, I rarely had physical contact and that was fine with me. I didn't need it, even when I had a rough time. some people like me can be very well off without physical affection, but it depends in which phase you are in. As for you, I guess that during emotional periods or vulnerable situations, everyone wants support. but other than that, you don't need it. personally, I think that physical contact is something that should be reserved for the people that truly deserve it. Good friends, your partner or bf/gf and of course your family if you have a bond that's strong enough. Total strangers that give hugs or kisses are just not done to me. I have enough friends I don't know well enough that are so free that they give me a hug, even when I don't want it or appreciate it. Then I have the good friends who learned me to cross some borders and while I still do not initiate any hugs, I am glad to receive one and I return my affection with a pat ond the shoulder or something like that. They know that I am not that kind of person but I do appreciate the gesture very much. It makes me feel accepted. We all want to be accepted, don't we? That's what you should do. A friendly pat on the back or a smile is already a great way to show affection and get affection back. start small and eventually you will lose the boundaries. Crazy friends like mine, also tend to hug out of the blue. So find some crazy friends, gal! Somehow I guess that you should find someone that is more your kind of friend, who is willing to give you a hug. appreciate your current friends, of course, but you may have to think outside your peer group.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2014):
 Nobody is ever happy with their lot in life .. I live among a bunch of serial huggers and kissers ( damn Italians ! so touchy -feely ! ) and it unnerves me. It's not so much that I am uncomfortable with non sexual affection, as the fact that ,to me personally, gestures must MEAN something. If we just met yesterday , .. and nothng special happened in between , then we have to go all hug-hug and mwahh mwahh all over again ?! I wonder how much " affection " this really means, and if it's not just habit.. or pose...
Not to deny or dismiss your needs, OP, they are real and legitimate, plus, as you say, everybody is different , I just am not a frequent hugger. But I am an affectionate person anyway, only I express my affection in other ways , verbally or doing things for people.
Just saying, do not take the exterior signs of affection as necessarily MEANING affection - and on the other hand , do not think that your friends do not feel affection for you just because they do not hug you.
But, you feel you need physical displays of non sexual affection, so, maybe this advice will be difficult for you to follow, but I think, that if you want something, you have to be proactive and go get it. So either YOU start hugging , patting shoulders, holding hands etc. ( not strangers on the street- just your friends and relatives )- it may be a signal for them to start being less utight, more demonstratve around you. At times people would LIKE to do something ( for instance , huggimg you ) or at least they would not mind at all if you initiate,- they just never did because they are not used to it, or never thought about it, or can't read your body language. Or else, if they are good friends, don't be afraid, ask- say, I need a hug. Say, I am a bit blue , I need to hold you for a sec.
It's not a declaration of defeat or desperation. You are human, you want contact and reassurance, you'd like it to be expressed to you also physically- I think they will understand.
Another thing, OP, too bad that you can't keep a pet, but why don't you volunteer at a pet shelter ? They are always looking for people , not only to walk dogs and practical stuff, but also to make the animals feel they are LOVED and cared for- and animals are very generous in giving love back.
As a matter of fact, volunteering with people too is a big source of affection- you give " one " in affection and you get back one hundred. But as far as PHYSICAL displays, I guess you'd have to check well with each organization's guidelines and policy- ( for instance, if you volunteer to visit inmates in a jail, you are actually not supposed to touch them ). But, I don't know, it's worth a look. Maybe you'd get your hugs AND you'd give lonely or abandoned people something they badly want too.
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