A
female
age
51-59,
*lwayshonest
writes: I really need an answer to this problem... I am a very honest and devoted person and seem to have alot of trust issues with my partner. He hides alot of things from me, and lies alot. He has kids by 3 different women which I went through a time where all of them were calling him and he hid these calls from me. Went and was in the delivery room with his last ex after we had been in our relationship for 8 months. I learned she about her and her pregnancy 3 months into our relationship and already had feelings for him. I tried to be understand and ask if he had pics of the baby and he said no... well I foundsome he had packed away. after several lies I became very nosey and now check his emails and voice mails and always find something he's kept from me. We have been together for over 2 years and im not usually one to snoop in other peoples things but now I can't trust him. He receives filthy porn emails from a good friend of his and saves them to a file... I am at my wits end. I am nothing like he is and tell him everything so he can trust me. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): the very fact he didnt tell you about his kids shows how little he respects you and for that matter himself.he is obviously ashamed of what he has done.if you hide something in your relationships it because youve done something to be ashamed of(usually).he lured you in and and made sure youd fallen for him then the truth was out only when he felt on safe ground.my fella did similar to me and told me 2months down the line hed booked a holiday for him and his ex and their daughter to go on just before hed met me?i was in bits but had fallen in love with him.they are very clever these guys at manipulating to get what they want.by the time youve found out about these bombshells youve fell for them.on one hand it was at least something that he cared enough to go through the delivery with his ex on the other she must be devasted going through all that on her own and you must be in pieces wondering when the next bombshell is going to be dropped?does he support any of these kids or see them at all?do all these other victims know about you?theres something missing from these men if they cant even see there kids its called a heart.as much as he thinks of his kids will be as much as he thinks of you.they are probably all in the dark about each other aswell.for gods sake make sure you are not one of his statistics and dont get pregnant.as for the porn its sad enough he has to keep it but it totally depends on whether or not its from a man or woman?if its from a woman i wouldnt have time to blink and hed be dumped.good luck
A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (24 March 2007):
 Well, I guess it depends on how you want to live your life…
There are two issues raised, which I don’t think are important, and one other issue which I think is VERY important.
Firstly – the porn. Sure he gets porn – most guys do. We are animals of instinct – we like porn. I am sorry but that is just the way we are built. If he didn’t like porn – then he would have some other emotional issue in his place. Forgive him for that please. He is just a normal guy.
Having pics of his baby? I can’t fault him for that. Perhaps he doesn’t want to rub them in your face. I can understand that. It would make you feel insecure to see him dreaming over pictures of a baby with another relationship.
My big issue with this guy is that he has kids with THREE other women!!!!
This guy is NOT my idea of ‘stable’. Nor is he my idea of reliable. He has shown a lack of control by getting different women pregnant and then moving on with his life – leaving them behind to pick up the pieces on their own…
What you do will depend on how you want to live your life.
You know what you are getting in for. If you get pregnant there is NO guarantee that this guy will be around for very long - in fact, by your timescale, he actually dumped a girl immediately after he got her pregnant.
So – you say he hides things – but now you have found out a lot anyway.
He is unlikely to change - is this the kind of person you can trust with your happiness?
Do you really need us to tell you what you need to do?
Don’t you already know?
I think you do – I think you just want someone else to say it for you.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (24 March 2007):
 I see your gut is telling you something...and it's probably RIGHT. I will not tell you to leave or stay, BUT what I will tell you is, if he is not being honest with you about anything, I would never feel secure in this relationship. It really sounds as if he just wants to be with as many women as he can and if they become pregnant..oh well! That is so not right!!! And for him keeping the pic's..and of a "friend", yeah right! I don't think so. IF I was in your shoes, I would tell him to go where he wants to go, other then my house...but that's me. 2 yrs sounds long, but what about 20 and it's still going on? Something to think about. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, snow_bunny +, writes (24 March 2007):
I'm very sorry to hear that your partner is doing you wrong. Hopefully I can helps some what. It was completely wrong of him not to tell you about his other 3 children. But it is also wrong of you to expect him to have nothing to do with them and to want to not see them. They are his children and unless he's done something horrid to deserve not to see them he has every right to see them. As for the emails he's getting from his friend, is the friend a female and are they of the female friend that is sending them? Or are they just random pictures or videos from a friend of people your partner doesn't know? If they are from a female friend or a male friend of a women he knows then yes being upset over that would make sense completely. But he is a male, he's going to look at other females whether any one else wants him to or not. I my self let my boyfriend watch porn, I even suggest porn that I like for him to buy. Letting him watch porn of people he doesn't know is a lot more safe than not because then he'll have a stronger desire to find something he's not allowed to have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): I'm very sorry to hear that your partner is doing you wrong. Hopefully I can helps some what. It was completely wrong of him not to tell you about his other 3 children. But it is also wrong of you to expect him to have nothing to do with them and to want to not see them. They are his children and unless he's done something horrid to deserve not to see them he has every right to see them. As for the emails he's getting from his friend, is the friend a female and are they of the female friend that is sending them? Or are they just random pictures or videos from a friend of people your partner doesn't know? If they are from a female friend or a male friend of a women he knows then yes being upset over that would make sense completely. But he is a male, he's going to look at other females whether any one else wants him to or not. I my self let my boyfriend watch porn, I even suggest porn that I like for him to buy. Letting him watch porn of people he doesn't know is a lot more safe than not because then he'll have a stronger desire to find something he's not allowed to have.
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