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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi - am 7 months pregnant and my husband has shown little interest in this ever since we found out, have been pregnant before but unforutnatley lost the baby - he seemed quite excited when we first found out that time. We were both happy to try again for a baby.He is also away in the armed forces and is not at home much as lives where he works and gets home from time to time. He has been quite dis-interested in our relationship for a while and I have recently discovered that he has been having text and email "relationships" with different women - one in particular has appeared on his phone bill quite often. In fact she gets more calls and texts than I do (and picuture messages !) He also had pics of her on his phone - quite explicit. These apparently stopped about a fortnight ago - his phone bill proves this.Have confronted him about it and told him how it makes me feel - in fact wrote down what I wanted to say so as I could be rational about it all. He did not apologise or say sorry - gave no particular reason for his behaviour but now thinks that cos the air has been cleared things are ok. He has made more of an effort to ring me while he is away which I suppose I should be grateful for - at least he is making an effort. He says he still feels the same way about me as he has always done. Not sure what to do now for the best - do I just carry on with life and ignore this or do I try to push for a reason and what the problems with our relationship are?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): I am sorry this is happening to you. Dear, I am struggling with this problem of yours and I'm trying to understand why you have suggested that you should roll over and just be "grateful, he's making an effort". That's not good enough, dear. There's future family at stake here. I realize you are in a vulnerable position and I feel much compassion for you and this unborn child. But there comes a time when we have to say "enough is enough" and take a huge, pro-active stance against this type of treatment. You have some big decisions to make about this man of yours. No, you do not ignore this problem. What's happening here is you are accepting his poor behaviours and not upholding him to a higher standard. Quite frankly, you deserve better and this baby deserves better. He's not taking responsibility for his actions. What does his actions tell you about him? A man who loves a woman does 'not' treat her this way...that's the grim reality. If you just accept this and roll over-he gets the clear message that he can do it to you over and over again. (sounds like he has gotten that message, already) The problem here, is this man is an immature cad, so it's time to think of this baby and what it's needs for the future. It needs a happy Mother with a committed, loving Father-a solid home where it can grow. Don't accept anything less. So what can you do? Firstly, you muster up the will and strength and you face your fears of possibly going it alone. One you accept that...then you start setting some tough boundries with this guy. You make this an either/or situation. No hedging. If he's not up to fully committing, then you walk. Your baby doesn't need a future like this...an unhappy, miserable Mother who has a dysfunctional, immature, cheating partner. If he's up to committing 'totally' to you-then you tell him to start working hard at rebuilding the trust and respect. And you don't hand over your "trust" until he has proven himself worthy of it. This will take time. Look at his actions..don't fall for what he tells you. If this fails, then call in all your friends, family and seek support. Start planning because right now, your options are either spending a miserable life with him...or raising your baby alone, but in an environment where the child is loved and cherished by you without the heartaches distractions, trying to keep a self-centered, boor in love with you. It's just not worth it. I wish you and this child the best, hun but for the baby's sake...be strong. Take Care
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (1 February 2006):
 you are about to have his baby and so this just cannot be ignored, you state that he is not interested in the baby well he needs to wake up and realise it is on the way, the time to be non committed to a baby was before conception.
You cannot just go with the flow on this, he has a responsibility to you and the baby to be a good and devoted father and husband, currently he seems to forget that he is no longer single and without responsibility.
Are you in army housing and if so go to see some of the other wives, join any clubs you can so you can get out of the house, keep in touch with any good friends you have either on or off the base as you will need a good support network when the baby is born.
Dont drift on this as when you have had the baby you will be too tired and emotional to sort out any problems as being a new mum is hard at first but wonderful.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, lori +, writes (1 February 2006):
its a difficult time for you being pregnant always makes you feel vunerable maybe you husband feels unable to go near you in case he hurts you as you say you did lose your first baby sometimes when this happens people give the woman all the attention and forget that the man is grieving the loss of his child too he may feel lost as everyone is asking that your ok and giving you all the attention he needs the attention too no one is saying its your own fault its not its just the way people think when when a woman loses a baby also if you want answers then you must talk to him as you say he thinks the air is clear because you wrote a letter to him in his mind its because you dont want to discuss it iv no doubt that he loves you and im sure that its just that he needs loving attention not confrontation all the time make this a happy time for both of you and im sure the txts will stop all the best for the future
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