A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help... My husband of 13 years got found out a few months ago, he has been seeing prostitutes for 6 years every 2 weeks and each week he has been trawling the streets. We are going throught the councellng route and I have asked for help for myself. I am in a hole I cannot get out of. I am seeing men for sex in the nights in cars.I do not charge them yet!!!! I think about sex all the time I even go on web sites to see how prostitutes do things. I arranged to see men and I just turn up have sex come home and write in my book another one done... I know its self destructivebut when I go to the councellor and ask her how to stop this she just says it stems from childhood.. It stems from him seeing bloody prostitutes not what I did when I was young!!!!! I need help how do I stop, I keep thinking when I get to the total he has admitted to I will be able to start my life. Please help i'm so messed up..
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female
reader, disappointedwoman  +, writes (29 August 2008):
Cheating on your husband isn't going to erase what he is done or fulfill you. Stop for your own self preservation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): "(a) start exercising - go to the gym, or running, or a class, or learn to dance. Exercising will take the place of casual sex very well, and you'll feel good about yourself."
On the second thought, gym is great place to start an affair! ;-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2007): You are seeking to see what is so great about why he does this? Why does he seek sex with total strangers...do you want to sink to his level? This is not about how inadequate you are as a wife or in the bedroom. The chances are he has been doing this longer than you know. These women don't give a shit about your husband, how it was or what they did. They are doing it for money because they feel they have no choice or they are so stuck in their lives, they have their own personal choice why, supporting a child, a drug habit or they don't care they can do it with men and risk themselves every night to psychos and married men like your husband. They don't know any different. You remember how you were, when you were little, young, before you started having sex with total strangers, what it meant to be together, have a partnership, share time, laughs etc. Stop pursuing your desire to find out why, that is what you are doing. You clearly don't like it or admire what you're doing so now you have your answer, it is a sordid world the sex trade and don't be him. I presume you still have sex with him? A lot of working girls/men don't often use protection as it means more money usually. I am sure if you put him on a lie detector test he would fail at saying he used protection. First things first, go and get an HIV test, blood tests, immunology tests the whole nine yards, get a smear, get everything done you can through your GP. I was raped by a man who later developed full blown AIDS. I didn't contract it, but I go every 6 months for a test. Remember every time you have sex with your husband you are sleeping with every single person he has been with and so has he. You are both going to end up with something. Don't do what he is doing to prove why or why he's doing it. Take the higher-ground. You are better than that. I know you are hurt, confused and just basically don't understand, but doing what he is doing is not for you, its not your life. You have a better path. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (18 April 2007):
 You need to break away from this man, first and foremost. He has disrespected you and put you in danger in the worst way possible and I can't even imagine forgiving someone for this and moving on. You are on a very destructive path indeed and you need to sort this out on your own. Your problems need sorting before you can be happy in a relationship.
I think you sleeping around is because you're desperate to be what he desires as you feel you never have been. He sees prostitutes so you think this is what men enjoy and you get a buzz giving other men what these women give your man. It's all very messed up but not something you can't sort out before you get hurt.
Get rid of him and get some counselling for you alone. It may be from your childhood, most problems are but I'm sure what you've been through with this awful man hasn't helped the situation. Once he's gone and you start to feel like you again, things will start to fall back into place and you can be happy again.
It may take years to sort out the damage he has done to your self esteem but it can be done. You need to be strong and independent and be who you wish you could be, not some dirty hooker. Let him lower himself to that disgusting level if he wants to, you're worth so much more. I think cheating on you was bad enough but the worst thing he's done to you is taken away your self worth - that's unforgiveable.
Good luck and I hope you have the strength to make the break.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (18 April 2007):
Actually your counsellor is right - it does stem from childhood - but that's not a very helpful thing to help you stop, is it?
What's probably happening is that you feel rejected and hurt by your husband. And so in order to make you feel special, loved, and so on, you are turning to other men for sex. It's the same reason why teenagers from broken homes have sex - because they feel unloved.
But right now, you have a BIG PROBLEM, because you are on a course of activity which is really destructive - you could get arrested, you could get diseases, you could get attacked or killed, and alsorts of knock on effects from these. You have to stop straight away, and you know this, that's why you wrote to us. You must stop this destructive behaviour before you get hurt
Now, like with smoking, you know that you can stop at any time, by just not meeting anymore men. After each meet up, when you are back on your own, you have given up. So it is stopping yourself from doing it again which is the problem. I am assuming that you feel drawn to it - you want the excitement, you want to get back at your husband, and you want to feel wanted and special at the same time as feeling bad about yourself.
So here are some ideas to stop you:
(a) get rid of all the means by which you contact these men give up your internet connection or computer
(b) give the keys to your car to someone else so that you can't go out in it to meet men
(c) find something else to do at the times when you normally meet men - arrange to meet a friend, your husband, to babysit, to work, or so on - so that you can't meet them
(d) tell your husband that you have been doing this and ask for his help. Ask him to do things with you in the evenings so that you cannot go out and meet these men.
Next, you need to start to feel good about yourself:
(a) start exercising - go to the gym, or running, or a class, or learn to dance. Exercising will take the place of casual sex very well, and you'll feel good about yourself.
(b) do things to show yourself how special you are - go for a massage or pampering, or to a women-only spa place for a weekend away. Take long baths and apply lovely cream, have your hair cut.
(c) read some uplifting books - try "Being Happy" by Andy Matthews. Practice what is in them.
(d) ask your counsellor for sessions focussed on making you feel good, rather than dwelling on the causes - you can always come back to the childhood stuff later after the emergency has passed. It's pointless seeing a counsellor who just gives you an excuse for your behaviour - you need a recipe to change it.
Finally, you need to see whether you are going to stay with your husband or leave him.
I'm assuming that his visiting prostitutes is a symptom of something being wrong in your relationship rather than just a "hobby" of his. Are you talking enough? You mention that you are jointly going to have counselling, but is that enough?
Ask him why he sees the prostitutes, and do it in a way which is aimed at you UNDERSTANDING him - not blaming him, or criticising him. See if you can get to what he's not happy about.
Also, look yourself at your relationship. What is not working in it for you? Be honest with yourself.
Good luck. Stop seeing these men straight away - we don't want you hurt.
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A
female
reader, lucky lynne  +, writes (18 April 2007):
 Your self respect must be as low as your husbands.Divorce beckons.Find a decent man and keep your pants on with everyone but him. The more you do the worse you will feel.Revenge isnt making you feel better.
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