A
female
age
41-50,
*adeX
writes:Five months ago, I fell in love with a good friend of mine. [We were friends through high school, reunited after 5 years and have kept in contact for the past year.] I expressed my feelings for him however, he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because of a number of things going on in his life. I respected his decision. And although it was initially difficult, I put my feelings aside to continue on with our friendship. Things quickly went back to normal.Due to our hectic schedules, it's been really hard for us to meet up. We don't call much because neither of us like talking on the phone but we always find the time to text one another everyday and send an occasional email. Last night was our first time seeing one another since the "conversation" and all of the feelings came rushing back into my heart. He had asked me to go to the movies with him. I agreed under the context that we'd be going strictly as friends. . . but just being around him changed so much within me! I get the feeling that his interest in me has changed too.. . . How will I know when he's ready for a relationship? Should I tell him how I'm feeling. . . AGAIN?! ::sigh:: It's been a long while since I've been in a relationship or even dated seriously and I'm clueless. I'd appreciate any insight. . .
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female
reader, JadeX +, writes (11 December 2007):
JadeX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the great advice! I've decided to not bring up "my feelings" to him and kinda abandon the relationship idea. . .Danielepew: We're very close friends and I know for a fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend [nor is he interested in anyone at the moment]. . . BUT you bring up a very good point. If he really wanted more between us, he'd show it. He has made passes at me, but only in the friendly, playful way. I always attribute certain things to shyness, but really that's only an excuse and I should expect more from a potential boyfriend in terms of physical aspects and communication. Rhythmandblues: I think that you're 100% right about not being ready for a relationship for his situation. Because of his circumstances, I completely understood that he wouldn't have been capable of handling a relationship 5 months ago when he told me. [And that's subtracting myself from the equation altogether.] It's difficult not knowing my status with him, but I'm a patient person and regardless, I'll always stand by him as a friend.THANKS again for helping me out!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): I also don't believe that it is always true or written in stone that when someone tells you that they don't want a relationship that it means that they don't want one with you....I think it means that they for some reason do not feel that they are in a place in their life to have a successful relationship....and being their friend means that you are closer than you realize to being their future wife, I have seen this with women who have told men that they do not want a relationship as well as men telling women the same thing....they truly are scared of screwing it up unsure of who they are or what they can offer...just back off and take it slow, if you find it frustrating not knowing where you stand then this is not for you.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): Although it may seem unfair, people want most what they can't have....you are feeling this for this boy, you are very unsure that you can have him and your feelings are more intense because of it.
Use this knowledge to your advantage....do not under any circumstances tell him how you "feel", people respond to pleasure, not pressure, which is what that would be if you dump how you fell about him onto him.
What you can do is continue to be his friend and build on his emotional connetion to you by being non judgemental when he tells you about his life, and reflect back in your own words what he is saying to you, this is called reflective listening....people form a bond with people who listen to them intently, and understand what they are saying without judging them for what they tell you. Friendship is always the best basis for a romantic relationship and good things come to those who wait or who are patient....remember love is patient, love is kind, love is not judgemental...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): Well look. Don't give yourself so little credit. Cause you are not clueless. Nobody is clueless. You are just not in touch with your inutition as much as you could be. That's all. Sometimes it takes practice. And sometimes it just takes balls, cause it is so much easier to live in a fantasy world than to face reality.
Anyways, no you shouldn't tell him how you are feeling, again. He already knows and he already told you how he feels. It took me a long time to figure out that when a guy says that he is 'not ready for a relationship,' what he really means is that he does not want a relationship with YOU. I know rejection is hard. I hate it too. But I guess the point I am trying to make is that this guy likes you as a friend but I don't think he sees you as more than that. So don't expecting things to change.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 December 2007):
 Dear JadeX, I have the feeling that this boy wasn't that honest with you the first time. What he really meant with that line was that he does appreciate you as a friend, but doesnt' want a relationship with you. Very probably he already has a girlfriend.
When he asked you to go to the movies, that was all he wanted. If he had wanted more, he would have shown it.
A bit more of bad news. If he were into you, he would find the time to be with you, no matter what. E-mail and texting would not be all he would do.
I might be wrong. Actually, I hope I am. But, if he doesn't make any pass, don't assume he wants something else. It would show.
Hope this helps.
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