A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:There are some things about this new guy I met which make me think maybe they are huge red warning signs for me to back off. I know he likes me alot, but the thing is, I feel like he's too forward and likes me too much, considering we only just met. He asked me out on a date the first day we met. He sends me soooo many text messages throughout the day, including one every morning to say goodmorning and one every night to say goodnight, and he is always calling me. He shows me ALOT of affection as well. Now don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying all of this, i do like it...but it's just I have read in many books and websites about abusers that that's what abusers do!They are very forward and quick to move into a relationship. This is what this guy is doing. Also they say they are very charming...he is like this too. And I wonder if his constant text messages will develop into a controlling behaviour of always wanting to know where i am and who i'm with (this happend with my ex). I'm just so scared because I have only had two b/f's before and the first one emotionally, verbally and sexually abused me. The 2nd one sexually abused me and was very very controlling and manipulative. I don't want the same thing to happen for the 3rd time!!! With my last two b/f's, they were like what this guy was like at the start. Sending me 1000 messages each day, always asking where i was etc... and they were very affectionate and quick to want sex. But I ignored those signs.So please tell me if you think these are big warning signs or not. Am I just overeacting? Thanks for reading!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Whether this guy is an abuser or not, he is moving way too fast for you to feel comfortable, so don't go any further with him unless and until you feel comfortable. You could ask him to restrict his texts to a certain number each day. He could have an addictive personality, or want a lot of attention, or there could be a lot of reasons why he is doing this, but the point is you don't feel comfortable so don't allow him to pressurise you in any way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): I'm sorry you've been hurt and I'm aware that this puts you on your guard. Normal healthy men can want to speak to several times a day, and send you tons of e-mail messages just to show you they care.
But as you say, it's very early in your relationship, and instead of making you feel good, he's constant attention is worrying and scaring you.
Sometimes (and this may not be the case with you) women that have been abused can be attracted (attract) the same type of men. Don't know why, but it happens.
You have rights and choices in any situation you find yourself. Tell him how you feel. Tell him your a bit overwhelmed by his attention, you know he likes you but you would feel easier if he could take things a little slower. If he likes and respects you, that's all it should take for him to calm down a bit.
In the mean time, have you ever thought about counselling. You don't need to do it for a long time. Just a couple of sessions, looking over what happened in the past. Just a little help to give you the confidence to know what your looking for in a guy, and what constitutes abuse, control and manipulation in your books. You don't want to fall into another abusive relationship, but then again you don't want to be paranoid and push every half decent guy away.
Anyway I wish you luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): If you start sizing a person up, in other words, start questioning their motives, comparing them to things you've hear or read, he may recognize this, be hurt and become violent, whether verbal or physical.
It sounds like your very young, maybe 15? Sorry to say, but something doesn't sound right with the poster question ... gut feeling.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (16 May 2008):
 Hi there,
normally I would say you are probably overreacting. But in your case I believe you are right to be concerned.
I say this because you are a rarity - a person who is making a conscious effort to avoid the type of boyfriends who may abuse you. You have learnt your lesson in the past and are using these to avoid these types in the future. Good on you!
And you are right, I believe women who get abused attract these type of men. How many stories do we hear where the woman goes from one abusive relationship to the next.
In your case I think the warning signs are something you should take very seriously. Normally these could be just interpreted as someone who is very keen on you. But if this behaviour mirrors previous abusive boyfriends then it looks like you have attracted the same "type" of guy again.
You are right abusers need to trap their victim first. The victim has to have some feeling towards the person beating them up otherwise the emotional blackmail simply wont work.
Maybe what you now need to find out is why do you go for these guys. Ask your friends, they will tell you and more importantly friends are the best safeguard against the blind lust brain activity which can often cloud our best judgment.
good luck, but this guy seems like one of your exes, it is a bit unfair to judge him seeing as he hasnt done anything to do you, but where there's smoke there's fire!
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