A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a year now and we have spoke about our future what we both want , i work and he doesnt and that is due to him having ptsd . he has his good days and bad more good and he goes out everyday so he doesnt get low and it gives him something to do . We have been talking about having a baby i dont mind him being a stay at home dad and i go back to work . ( i already have a teenager from someone else and have worked to support us as it was only just us 2 me and my child ) we both want a baby and we think its now the right time to . i know this will give him someone else to do things for and knows he cant give up on a child like he could himself . im prepared for doing a lot of the work on my own just incase ( been there done that before ) we have a lot of support with family and friends. im wondering if theres anyone else been in my position being with someone having ptsd and how a baby affected their lives . thanks for any helpful words
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 November 2017):
 Honestly, OP, he needs to be able to hold down a job (not temp ones) before being fit to parent. If he can't handle a long-term job, how will he handle parenting?It's also too soon to start a family with him, after only a year - you don't truly have a good feel for each other yet. Sure, it takes 9 months for a baby to be born, but it's too late, once you conceive.If you have a baby with him before he is stable enough to handle a full time job for a year or more, you're risking that baby' son life - not because he's violent, but because it's not fair to give them an unstable parent. If he attempts the stay-at-home parenting, he could have a breakdown because he's not used to stress and pressure on a regular basis, on top of his PTSD. Then you'd have to work full time, care for a baby full time and look after a "broken" adult.Be sensible, OP. Bringing a baby into the world with an unstable father is not fair to them. Don't plan to take on everything unless you have to because you're single - so don't deliberately bring a baby intimacy a situation like this.If he can't cope with a full on job, he can't cope with a baby.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2017):
 I think this is a question you should ask to a competent medical professional. Consult a specialist, or two, before deciding anything. There would be a child involved, so that's too much of a delicate matter to just wing it somehow or play it by ear.
I am not an expert on PTSD, but my layman opinion ( a.k.a common sense ) would suggest me that if your partner is such in a bad state that he is not fit for ANY kind of work, even a simple ,undemanding one- then he is not fit to look after and take care of a small child on his own.
Beeing a homemaker and childcarer IS a full time job, and a complex, tiring one ( ask any housewife ! ). Some stay-at-home moms get caretaker burnout even starting from perfect mental health conditions, imagine if you already have got issues.
Do you know what triggers his attacks, or is it random ?And in case his condition is worsened by stress and / or emergencies- taking care of a child is ALL about handling stress and being able to face little, or big, crises , thinking on your feet. ( As I am sure you know already, since you are a mother ).
I also notice that , basically, worst case scenario, if he is not up to snuff , you are prepared to do it all by yourself ( working full time, taking care of the house, minding your child ) - since you did it already as a single mother . But this time it would not be exactly the same, would it ? because this time you would also have an emotionally unstable , fragile adult male to support and take care of.
In sum, tbh , if you ask me, I'd say that you have in mind a risky proposition, unless at least his conditions improve and he becomes more functional . Risky for everybody's wellbeing , yours , your partner's and most of all ! the baby's.
But don't ask me ( or the other Aunts ). Ask his psychiatrist first !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Im the OP. he is getting help and on medication . hes never had any violent out bursts .he has worked since being diagnosed by a doctor 3 years ago but the jobs were only very short term temp. i can easily work from home therefore i dont need to rely on him so much but dont want to make him feel useless
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Who diagnosed his ptsd ? And is he currently on any medication?
As a mental health worker . I have to advise that having him as primary care giver while you go to work, should raise some red flags - for you ?
PTSD suffers, have triggers that can cause them to become violent, and so stressed or stuck in that bubble they forget what they’re doing . So what his trigger ? What is the circumstance skueeounding his diagnosis.
Without this information I’m afraid giving an honest answer will be very difficult .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 November 2017):
 There is no way to answer that.
Is he getting help with the PTSD? Is he dealing with it or is he avoiding it?
How often does his PTSD affect your day to day life?
What generally triggers it?
If he isn't getting help, that should be a bigger priority than a child IMHO.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 November 2017):
As someone with PTSD, he needs to get therapy and resemble a normal life before becoming a father.Also, I know you may feel like time is "running out" for you to have a baby with him, but you've only been together for a year - that's still very soon to be planning on having a baby together, especially before marriage (for legal security, if not for love).I hope it works out for the two of you, but I think too many people use their health issues to avoid daily life and, unless someone has signed him off from work permanently, it's possible he could have a job (even voluntary or part-time) and chooses not to. That's not the sign of someone ready to be a full-time father.Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying his PTSD isn't real, just that he needs to have that under control before having a baby and it's not under control if he *can't* work because of it. If he refuses to seek therapy, then it shows you he doesn't *want* his life to improve.I think there are things that need to come before having a baby and being mentally stable is one of them. If his PTSD genuinely stops him from working, how will he cope with parenthood, especially as a stay-at-home one?OP, before risking pregnancy, I think you need to check the reason he doesn't work. Having a baby with him and deciding to risk looking after it mostly on your own is not a good reason to have one. A baby isn't a cure for PTSD and can make it worse, if the PTSD is left untreated. Don't bring a baby into the world when you don't know if their father is actually looking after himself or not.
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