A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A visited me at my mom's house this last weekend. I've lived at home for the last 10 years since graduating college. I work a full-time job, pay bills and repair things around the house where needed, and pay off student loan debt. I make about 35k a year at a small board game store. He asked if was I seeing anyone, I mentioned I had tried dating for about 15 years and couldn't get past a third date, I got ghosted ALOT and had given up on it, to focus on a career in art.I really asked out everyone, but anyone that was unhealthily obese (I've watched obesity hurt my friends and family in the past and I just can't get over that) or people with children( lot of drama usually). Plus I'm 5'9, I didn't think I was high on the dating totem poll.He told me that my attitude was defeatist and was unhealthy to avoid relationships. So I'm 34, average build, Ive been told im handsome/cute, 5'9, work at a geeky game store, live with my mom (I am paying bills), and paying off student loan debt, while trying to be a comic book artist. Real talk, just how undatable am I to women? I just assumed my situation was a lot of red flags to women, plus the fact I've never had a GF, and most girls seem weirded out by that...Any thoughts on what I should do or just keep doing what I'm doing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2022): Have you got any idea how much it costs to properly pay for a home and all the bills? You say you pay all the bills but you don't. You pay just a bit towards it, just a fraction, a tiny fraction, you are not covering all of the costs of how much it is to live where you are. You would be in a rented room if your parent did not help you and give to you. That is what makes you undatable unless you are happy to settle for someone like you - someone else who is undatable usually.
She may be ugly and fat, much older, plain and boring, no job whatsoever, and then yes you might get to date her. But you will not get someone who is gorgeous, great looking, sharp, smart, great job and happy to take care of you like your parent has for ages. Because my sweet, when a woman chooses a man she chooses the best man available at that time. Not the worst. If she has a lot to offer she expects you to offer her a lot too. She is looking to make her life better not work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2022): Most of the people who cannot get dates expect far too much from the other person. You get married men wanting very attractive women half their age - you get ugly men wanting beautiful women, you get single mums who are on a very tight budget with no personality or skills or education or job who want a rich man - so they end up alone.
Yes a drug addict, a total loser, can date, so long as they stick to other losers in the same pool as them. Not trying to hold onto the shirt tails of those who have a lot more choice and better choice of prospective partners, wanting them for their money or whatever. That never works out because most would be too smart to let you use them like this.
You go on about writing comic books, it sounds like a little boy talking. I expect a little boy to still be with his mum, but a man who wants a wife or proper serious girlfriend has to be a real man not a little boy. A real man has a proper job and a proper income - he pays his way he does not just give a tiny amount to mum or dad each week and lean on them for it, and he understands that if he wants a serious relationship he provides for that other person, he takes he out, he spends money on her, he buys her presents and he provides a nice home for them to both live in together if it works out paying the bills, not sitting around doing drawings while she pays for things. It sounds like you use your parent and then want to use a girlfriend too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2022): TBH, not very dateable. You live with your mom at over 30 ! If you were in India it would probably be socially acceptable, but in USA,that's a dealbreaker for most women.Of course you pay some bills !, I'd like to see that too, that you were full-time scrounging off your mom ,even !
And speaking about money, sure money is not everything in life and if you are unambitious and happy with a frugal lifestyle, who are we to judge, in fact you are maybe smarter than most of us in shifting your focus from making money to other pursuits which appeal to you more. And yet, tbh, for many places in USA you do not earn like an adult yet. What you make is adequate as a first job for a young graduate , but after ten years your earning power should be more - and you have student loans to repay too. Now if someone falls in love with you ,they would be able to look beyond that...then again , objectively, at a first stage of dating , if the girls is choosing among different options like so often happens for instance on dating sites or apps, well probably they will choose people with better perspectives. Plus, you say you are tryi g to make it as a comic book artist, and ,if one hand I would never want to discourage a budding artist, then again, objectively...how long is it that you are trying ? Is it a recent thing, or is it maybe 8, 10, 12 years or more that you are "trying " ?...
Not all dreams alas are going to come true and not all passions are going to be rewarded by recognition and success. Some girls would not want to find themselves in the position of being your muse and mecenates while you dabble with comics- and they are the one supposed to bring home the bacon, pay the mortgageyour, save for your kids' college etc. ...and I for one ,although very very simpathetic to all artists, can't say I blame these girls.
All this does notare you undateable, - everybody is datable.Ex cons date, people on crack and meths date, single parents with tons of kids date etc....Yet, you have to realize that there are elements in your life a d choices which sensibile reduce your dating pool.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2022): TBH, not very dateable. You live with your mom at over 30 ! If you were in India it would probably be socially acceptable, but in USA,that's a dealbreaker for most women.Of course you pay some bills !, I'd like to see that too, that you were full-time scrounging off your mom ,even !
And speaking about money, sure money is not everything in life and if you are unambitious and happy with a frugal lifestyle, who are we to judge, in fact you are maybe smarter than most of us in shifting your focus from making money to other pursuits which appeal to you more. And yet, tbh, for many places in USA you do not earn like an adult yet. What you make is adequate as a first job for a young graduate , but after ten years your earning power should be more - and you have student loans to repay too. Now if someone falls in love with you ,they would be able to look beyond that...then again , objectively, at a first stage of dating , if the girls is choosing among different options like so often happens for instance on dating sites or apps, well probably they will choose people with better perspectives. Plus, you say you are tryi g to make it as a comic book artist, and ,if one hand I would never want to discourage a budding artist, then again, objectively...how long is it that you are trying ? Is it a recent thing, or is it maybe 8, 10, 12 years or more that you are "trying " ?...
Not all dreams alas are going to come true and not all passions are going to be rewarded by recognition and success. Some girls would not want to find themselves in the position of being your muse and mecenates while you dabble with comics- and they are the one supposed to bring home the bacon, pay the mortgageyour, save for your kids' college etc. ...and I for one ,although very very simpathetic to all artists, can't say I blame these girls.
All this does notare you undateable, - everybody is datable.Ex cons date, people on crack and meths date, single parents with tons of kids date etc....Yet, you have to realize that there are elements in your life a d choices which sensibile reduce your dating pool.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2022): Nobody is really undateable. But here are some things that might be working against you, especially if you have them I combination: 1) if you keep putting yourself down, 2) if you have bad hygiene, dress sense or are very fat, 3) having a crap job and chasing unrealistic dreams, 4) having baggage (kids, emotional baggage), 5) living at home still for no good reason, 6) being boring, not having a sense of humour or interests and being unable to keep a conversation going, 7) being a jerk. These are things that would put me off a guy anyway. From your post I can't tell if most of these apply to you but they are perhaps work considering. Things you can do to instantly increase your appeal 1) do volunteering (makes you seem like a nice guy), 2) get a decent haircut and start going to the gym/get some exercise, 3) look at your career and consider where you can realistically get to in 5 years time - if the comic book thing hasn't worked out in 15 years...maybe it's time to look at some other options where you can use your creative talents (graphic design, marketing?), 4) start saving for a down-payment on a property of your own, 5) broaden your interests and hobbies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022): Typo corrections:
"If you see yourself as a loser, you will ooze a loser's [vibe]; and you will over-share with people you've just met, as if to warn them you offer only disappointment."
"I do admit, in general, people are superficial about looks[;] but some are very hypocritical."
"Not to say [you] should hide anything."
P.S.
Try to be reasonably fashionable on your dates. Sport an updated haircut, and well-groomed beard, if you have one. Let your barber shave you when you go on dates. Pay special attention to your hygiene, and seek advice from your closest female-acquaintances. Not your mother, her opinion is too biased. Try a sister or female-cousin for their objective-opinions of what a woman would see in you. Do not approach a female co-worker for such advice, it is inappropriate.
Your confidence should come from knowing you are a good-man and of strong character. If you only approach exceptionally pretty-women, expect their standards to be high; but don't fault yourself for not living up to them. Most guys won't! Superficial-people lack substance, and they will not treat you right anyway.
My friend, a few misses doesn't make you a bad shot. You keep practicing and persevering in spite of failure. Your appearance can be adjusted or improved; when it comes to how you dress, your hair, and your attitude. Ask your closest friend if you show any peculiarities, or weirdness; be strong enough to take constructive-criticism, because that's how we also discover those things we do unintentionally that turn people off. Sometimes it hurts to hear the truth; but it also enlightens you, and helps you fix what can be fixable. You shouldn't hate nature, or despise your genetics; because of what people think. You are loveable, based on those good things about you. That's what draws people to you.
People on dating sites have too many choices; and most of them think a little too highly of themselves. You're just the opposite, and unfairly judge yourself by the poorest of flaws in our human nature. You're as datable and loveable as any face you see on a site. You have a right to believe that.
Don't expose or advertise all your flaws before people know what's good about you. Getting to know people is a process; don't offer women an undue shortcut!
God bless you, my friend!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022): You like many others who have limited dating experience, unwittingly lay-out all your shortcomings to your dates.
You show up on your date labeled with a cross-bones and the symbol for hazardous waste tattooed on your forehead. If you put yourself down in-front of people; you are in-effect warning them not to like you. Your low self-esteem is what defeats you, not your appearance or personality.
It's good to be humble, not self-degrading.
If you see yourself as a loser, you will ooze a loser's vide; and you will over-share with people you've just met, as if to warn them you offer only disappointment. If that's your game, should you be surprised of your results??? Reading your post is probably exactly how you characterize yourself to your date; and it's probably how you sell yourself in your dating profiles. You carry a warning label everywhere you go; so people will avoid getting to know you.
In your profile, honestly highlight your best features and personality-traits. Be positive! Let your natural charm speak for itself. By no means should you enhance your profile with phony attributes to impress or bait people with deceptions. I do admit, in general, people are superficial about looks, but some are very hypocritical. They may not be as hot as they think they are! Stay away from women with too many selfies, over revealing photos, and hungry for compliments. They are not your type, they like the opposite of who you are!
STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN!!! STOP IT!!!
Only vicious nasty criminal-people and serial-killers are undatable!
Living with your parents is too common these days to consider it a red-flag; unless you are so mama's-boyish and immature it is apparent you allow your parents, or mother, to run your life. That's when living with your parents is unappealing and a deal-breaker.
Online, it's none of anybody's business about the details of your financial status; but if you don't show-off and keep things modest (but enjoyable), you will make a good impression based on fact and reality. However, you should splurge now and then for the sake of romance; but you shouldn't live beyond your means to falsely impress a woman. Setting a fancy trap to capture the wrong kind of woman for you, will only end tragically. She was wooed through false-impression or deception; and her angry-reaction will destroy your self-esteem. Deservedly so! Guys showoff their motorcycles, cars, boats, and pics of their travels. This is to give the impression he makes a lot of money, and she can look forward to him lavishing her with expensive gifts and trips. It's overcompensating! Shirtless pics of their abs and crotch is just looking for sex. The kind of lady who responds to that kind of approach, deserves the kind of guy she gets!
Don't waste your time if you determine a female is high-maintenance; and don't set your criteria in the looks department unrealistically high; looking for women obviously out of league. I mean the conceited beauty-queen wannabee-supermodel type; searching for a doctor or lawyer, or somebody to fund their plastic-surgery aspirations. Dial your sense of beauty and personality down to a reasonable and practical level. Natural-beauty lasts so much longer than over-enhanced made-up features. Be more receptive to those ladies who show their interest in you; and don't spike your standards sky-high, to that of a guy who has the looks and money to get the gold-digging superficial narcissistic types of females.
So many guys in their 30's (or older) come here to DC, so defeated and gloomy; because they are either virgins over 30, haven't dated a lot (or ever), or they're just plain feeling sorry for themselves. They are defeated, only because they want to date extraordinarily beautiful-women; and if they can't reach their aspired level of "trophy-dating," they'll label themselves losers, or unappealing. They overlook "plain" girls; because they're beneath their hypocritical standards. If you look down so harshly on yourself, you aren't in any position to want to date far above it. Lets be real! Ugly is also in the eye of the beholder!
Then you have to assess your weirdness. If you have the creep-factor, women are leery of guys who are sweaty, nervous, who lack even a molecule of self-confidence; and get way too anxious on a date. Those who go overboard with romantic-gestures way too good to be true, or too hard to maintain. Being someone's fantasy-mate places unrealistic demands on yourself. They will drain you of your light, soul, and energy...and empty your pockets!!!
This also includes the act of voluntarily giving a full list of all his faults, weaknesses, and eccentricities. That is not being honest. It is TMI, and the definition of "oversharing." Not to say your should hide anything. We should slowly reveal our true-selves, little by little. Allowing people to accept and digest our "realness" in doses. Are you taking notes?
You don't sprawl all your sexy-geekiness out in full view; you maintain mystique, and give them a little peak at a time. That way, they'll be able to get to know you, adjust to you, and like you for being an adorable nerd. Nerdiness is now sexy and quite appealing; as long as you manage your weirdness, be mature, and don't give yourself away all at once. This is overwhelming to anyone, no matter how good-looking you are. Killer-looks get you a special pass, and more hits; but the dating sites are full of them, because their unmatching-personality doesn't back it up! Too much too soon, works against a guy. No matter what he looks like, or how nice of a guy he is. Good-looks aren't enough! You get more dates, and it may get sex right-away; but your true-colors will expose you for what and who you are!
Don't fault your appearance or economic-status for a lack of girlfriends. Personality also plays a very major part, my friend.
Perhaps my post has been a bit blunt. You're grown-up, and could benefit from a variety of opinions. Those opinions that are honest and straightforward will be more helpful; rather than just sugarcoated condescending responses that treat you like you're helpless and pitiful. You're not! You're loveable, deserving of love, and you've yet to find it. Your looks and appearance aren't the problem; it's your attitude, and low opinion of yourself, my friend.
An unlovable-person wouldn't write such an honest, self-critical/self-defeated post; it would be full of conceit, bitterness, contempt towards women, and narcissism. I didn't get that at all about you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022): I don't know any woman who would take a man who lives with a parent seriously. They want to know you are grown up, can make your own decisions, are used to paying your way in life and taking care of yourself. Not relying on mummy to do your washing or cooking or cleaning or paying the rent or home loan and you just chip in a few measly dollars here and there because you are selfish, mean or want an easy ride. What use is that to a woman who looks for a serious full time long term thing? Would you expect this woman to be like your mum and give a lot more than you give in return? Taking on all of the responsibilities of the home and bills while you just enjoy it all? What use would that be to a woman who wants kids. You would not be able to make a good husband let alone father?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2022):
 Are you undatable?
I can't say.
I will tell you this though. FEW women want to date a man who lives with his mom. Usually, men who DO live with their mom have an unhealthy attachment to said, mom.
Now if you came from a culture where it's the norm for men to stay with mom/parents there would be no issue. But in the US, the "norm" is that people of a "certain age" (so 25+) have moved out, have started a career, and are looking to start a family (of some sort, be it with kids, cats, dogs, llama...)
Do women get weirded out that you have never had a GF at 34? Some might. It does seem rare that a guy your age hasn't really dated. Most will question WHY that is.
You have gone on dates. Never got past 3rd date. Do you know why?
5'9 isn't short. So height isn't the issue.
You graduated 10 years ago but still haven't established a career. That could be one "on the CON" side. Yet you ARE working while trying to become a comic book artist - how far have you gotten? Is it realistic? Have you looked for better-paying jobs? Or are you happy where you are at? (nothing wrong with that)
How much student debt do you have? Is that why you live with your mom? If you make around 3 K a month are you saving anything too? Or just living?
Living with your mom, MIGHT be a red flag to many. It can make you seem like you are NOT really independent at all. Even if you DO pay all the bills.
How long do you intend on staying living with your mom?
Can you afford to go on dates?
Do you want kids?
What do you have to offer? Personality-wise and as a partner?
What age group are you looking to date? And why?
I don't think your expectations are unrealistic. If you don't want to date a single mom or obese woman that is YOUR preference. what are your other expectations?
I'd say if you can find someone with whom you share interests, values, morals, and who is financially independent I can't see why you should be undateable. Your pool, however, is SMALLER than many men your age.
I wouldn't call you undateable.
I have MET men I would deem undatable men. Men with 5+ kids with 4-5 different mothers but because they HAVE a job they could still get dates! And it wasn't great jobs either!
I have MET "undatable" women too. You know the one with 4 kids by 2 or maybe 4 men? Yeah, those. And they STILL find dates.
My husband was somewhat undateable when we met. If I am to be honest. But you know what? We have been married for 25 years now so what can I say?
I do think your friend is right that your attitude is defeatist. I would ask him WHERE he thinks YOU could meet a good woman.
Don't sell yourself short. Personally, I'd rather date (if I was in the market for a BF) a guy who hasn't much experience with dating than a guy who has a high body count and many many exes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022): I don't know what you mean by "datable". Different women (people) want different things.
For women who want to be stay at home mums, you are definitely NOT a good prospect. They need someone who, by your age has a career or at least earns more, can support a family and doesn’t live with his mother (although in poorer countries this is unavoidable! Children inherit apartments/houses when their parents die, and in the meantime, they usually live together).
But the question is what are YOU looking for?
You say that you “dated everyone”. It sounds to me as if you never cared for another person (fell in love) or maybe never even got to know anyone that well to be able to fully like them and fall in love with them.
Honestly, if someone asked me on a date just to go out on a date, and I learnt this at some point I would ghost him too. I wouldn’t want to be just a “nice try” for someone.
Can you meet women casually and get to know them, again casually (allow them to get to know you casually)? I had always met my bf (husband included) BEFORE we went on a date, and we had liked each other (there had been a spark), before the first date. So, both of us felt special, wanted… not like a tryout.
Some women can be weirded out by your lack of experience in the relationship department, because they believe that there must be something seriously wrong with you. Mind you, there usually is! Men like you can be too shy, or pretentious (or both), not to mention weird – not in a good way. That’s why it is much easier to get to know someone casually, especially for women. In my experience, women are far less obsessed by good looks and deep pockets. They mostly look for a nice guy, honest, trustworthy, and dependable. Of course, they can get attracted to the good looking men or men that exude power, whatever, but the bottom line is, when it comes to relationships, most women are looking for what I mentioned.
A good friend of mine is horribly shy when it comes to women. He’s not as tall as you, he lived with his parents, never went to college, hasn’t got a career to speak of. But none of this was his problem. He was really pretentious! Always getting interested in women who were out of his reach and ignoring nice girls/women around him. When we were young he was interested in me too even though I told him nicely but directly that I like him as a friend. But at least he knew what he wanted. Problem was that he did NOTHING that would make him interesting for the kind of a woman he was looking for (get an education, for one). In the end he settled down with the complete opposite of a woman he was looking for and he is NOT happy, but he knows that she won’t leave him, so there’s that.
You need to know what you are looking for in a partner and then realize what you have to offer to that person. I always knew that I could never be with someone whom I cannot trust. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t fallen in love with men I knew I couldn’t count on in the long run (attraction is a weird thing), but falling for someone and being in a relationship are two different things. Relationships take skill and work, but most of all WILL to be there for someone.
If I were you I would get out and casually meet people (women) and see what I like, what kind of women I am attracted to. Let them get to know you. Don’t expect instant results, but do get out there!
Btw, some women appreciate their men being good sons to their mothers. So not everything you mention is a flaw. Some are crazy about comics and would love to meet someone who’s creative.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 August 2022):
test
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