A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I feel a little ridiculous posting this but I never thought I'd have this problem!I need to figure out how to quickly, unambiguously turn men down. I feel so uncomfortable doing it that sometimes when I am asked to get together, I just tell them I'm too busy now and maybe later. Or I don't reply at all. Or I say "yeah, sometime", then block their number. But then they keep asking. I just don't understand why nonverbal cues don't work! If I am interested in someone and they stop responding to me I will try one, maybe two more times tops. Then I get it and I leave them alone! Why don't they just give up? Ugh it just feels so uncomfortable to actually say those words, "I'm not interested in you". I guess I am trying to be "nice" by not outright saying that I am not interested in them but that just makes it worse for all of us. I know I'm not handling this right.I've had a couple instances where I finally either flat out asked them to stop messaging me or in another case told him I couldn't because I was seeing someone (true at the time). I don't know if men are more outgoing in this age range now than when I was younger or what but with my normal way of handling things (avoidance) I can't keep up. As soon as I finally get one off my back, another is sending me messages asking to get together! Most often these are people that I know. Some are ones that I work with or have worked with. Former classmates, etc. Most send messages by Facebook. I actually wanted to turn my messaging off, but Facebook actually doesn't let you do that. I'm not even on a dating site or Tinder or any of that. I just really need a few ideas for things I can say that will shut them down immediately, but aren't rude.Some people might find the attention flattering I suppose but I really just want to be left alone. I am so stressed out from school all the time. I was seeing someone that I really liked but he changed his mind, so I'm still kind of down about that. And a year from now when my classes are finished I'm moving to a different area of the country. I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now, even if these were men that I would consider dating under better circumstances. But I feel like that is my business and I shouldn't have to tell someone why I don't want to date them. Ideas?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 June 2015):
 I understand how you feel. I think that you feel empathy for the guys you're turning down, and guilt for having been the cause. It's the same guilt that has someone telling their partner during a breakup "We can still be friends". It's the same thing that causes a girl to say "Maybe I'll pencil you in sometime" and then play the "avoid" game hoping the guy will get the hint on his own rather than directly shoot him down.
I think you should know that leaving no window open is actually doing the guy a kindness. He won't think that you're just playing hard to get. He won't try to change your mind. He'll move on more quickly and waste less time. Of course you can be gentle, but the whole relying on non-verbal cues doesn't work. Guys are direct. Saying "yeah, sometime" to a guy means "yeah, sometime." when to you it may mean "I'm trying to let you down easily without looking like the bad guy".
There's also something else you can do to avoid the issue altogether if you're not interested in dating anyone. I call it the "grocery store checkout line light" syndrome. These guys hitting on you are doing it because they think that you're available. YES, I know there will be guys that will hit on a lamp-post because that's what they do. But you may want to make it clear that you're not interested from the get-go. Maybe a Facebook post or an "About" blurb saying you're not interested in a relationship in any shape or form.
There's a Star Trek TNG episode (Now I'm dating myself) where the captain is trying to take a quiet holiday to read and be by himself, and he starts getting approached by women right and left. At first, he's turning them down politely, but they keep it up. Soon, like you, he's getting exasperated and can't figure out why he can't just be left alone. It took another woman to point out this statue that his first officer gave him was an "I want companionship" callsign.
You may have a subconscious "I'm available" thing going that's causing guys to come after you. I don't know what it is in your case unless all of these guys were interested and were waiting to jump in when the guy you were with went out of the picture.
In any case, you may want to have an "I'm unavailable" signal in place, which will give you the solitude you need until you're ready again. Otherwise, don't feel guilty for being honest. Don't chicken out or try to disappear or block numbers. You *can* do it. You're doing a kindness by being gently honest, but leaving no doubt.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 June 2015):
 Whilest many of the replies you've already received at pretty all-encompassing.... I must tell you that here are a few of the refusals that I've heard when a girl didn't want to date me:
1. You ARE kidding, AREN'T you????
2. YOU.... a DATE???? I think I'd rather burn my calendar....
3. Perhaps I'd agree to go out with you IF you were the last man on Earth, and I were the last woman... and it was up to us to start to re-populate the world... AND, that assumes that there were no good-looking chimpanzees nearby.
You really CAN say almost anything....
Good luck....
(P.S. Would you like to go out with me, sometime?)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 June 2015):
 "No, thank you."
"No, I'm not available."
If they persist, say "I'm not trying to be rude, just take this a 'no,' thank you."
If they persist more, "I'm not interested in dating you/hooking up/hanging out."
Being politely clear is NOT being rude or mean. Woman up.
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A
male
reader, mfj78  +, writes (23 June 2015):
Your making a rod for your own back and giving confusing signals to men and then complaining when they react to what you SAY rather than what you MEAN.If you say to a guy " yes sometime but im really busy right now" men will take that at face value and assume you are saying yes but not right now, and continue to contact you in the hope that the time will soon come when you are less busy. Saying Yes but meaning No is just going to leave men confused and you frustrated. Women often complain that men cant take a hint or that they get pestered BUT although some men clearly have issues with their social skills, most of us would simply prefer to be told a straight no. Simple. To be fobbed off and messed around is frustrating and some women don't help themselves by trying to hard not to appear rude or negative and actually leave men feeling they ARE interested when they are not.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 June 2015):
 They don't give up because guys do not get hints. That's why annoying guys wont ever leave you alone, and the guys you keep sending hints to because you like them, never approach you. Because guys do not get hints. They absolutely do not get it! No matter how obvious the hints are to you, or to any other woman, there are only a very tiny amount of men who read signals like we women do. They just haven't been raised to translate body language and read between the lines like us women have.
So, when dealing with pestering guys, the best way is to repeatedly say: I am not interested in you. Do not say yes to "friendship" either, because a guy honestly believes that if you will be his friend it means you like him and he still has a chance. So do not say yes to that either, because he WILL NOT STOP TRYING.
I know it's hard. I don't like to do it either. It's awkward, and I don't want to hurt anyone either. But honestly, when you tried to let them down easy and they just didn't get it, then you need to take off the silk gloves and be blunt. They can handle a rejection.
But you see, guys have this weird idea that women like to be pursued... and that we like to play waiting games to test their interest in us... So they keep trying and trying even when you turn them down, because they keep telling one another that women like it! They don't know that if a woman likes a man, she will be an active part in the romancing as well. They think a woman will just be passive, and he needs to do all the work, so that's why they just keep going at it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 June 2015):
 "Hey do you wanna... [insert activity ]???"
'No thank you" is enough.
if you want to add that you are flattered that's fine.
but I agree that saying "maybe later" when you have no intent to go out with them is wrong.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 June 2015):
 "Maybe later" means I'm busy right now but would consider going out with you.
"Yeah, Sometime" means Yes I will go out with you another time.
Stop using those at least.
Aside from that, You are too focused and compatmentalized. You just want to study and eat and sleep. No room for fun in your life. I do agree that dating so soon after a painful breakup is not too wise.
I'm sure that if you let it be known that you think the little podunk town you are studying in is so below you, that you just can't wait to leave in a year and meat some real quality people that your date requests will dry up magically.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 June 2015):
 Guys/men are not mind readers and sadly many of them really can't/won't/don't pick up on subtle hints or body language. You have to be DIRECT. As the other lovely aunts have said, SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Don't beat around the bush, don't hem and haw, don't be evasive. These guys might actually think you are playing hard to get..who knows?
Just say something like "I'm sorry I'm not interested in dating right now". That's all you have to say. You don't need to answer "why" or "why not" or anything else. That's none of their business. Just be very firm. Its not rude.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 June 2015):
 If you really aren't interested in dating anyone right now then tell them that exactly. That certainly isn't rude and should get them off your back, or at least you can ignore them after that without being rude.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2015):
 If you think saying:" No, thanks I'm not interested in dating you " is LESS nice or polite than the various of excuses you are using now, you really don't grasp the POWER of no.
If you start off with the NO, thanks etc. - you won't have to ignore them, or block them, or ultimately be rude and tell them to leave you alone...
IT IS NOT rude to say no, thanks I'm NOT interested in dating you.
If it happens only with Facebook, maybe also GET OFF FB a while?
But mostly, LEARN to say No, thanks. And if they ask you why? YOU don't OWE them an explanation. Just say:" I already told you, I'm not interested in dating you." IT IS still not rude!
WHAT is RUDE is guys making the assumption that 1. you MUST want to date them or 2. that if they just keep asking you will cave in. BUT it's not strange if you say something as vague as maybe later.... Don't be vague. Or IF you are going to be vague, well then you kind have to live with these guys thinking you ACTUALLY mean what you say...
SAY what you mean, and MEAN what you say.
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