A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm new so please forgive me if I don't do this right. I've been dating my boyfriend long distance for about 9 months now, I am almost in my thirties and he is mid thirties. We were friends for 5 years when he lived nearby. He was with someone else the majority of that time and only the last year of that was he single. He told me that being attracted to me was what finally gave him the courage to end his unhealthy relationship. He asked me out then, only after being single for a few weeks and I said no. I knew he had plans to leave town for post-graduate research. And I also knew he needed a clean slate so he wouldn't bring anything from his old relationship into ours. I really liked him, but back then he could be kind of a jerk. In fact, towards the end of his relationship with his ex he was almost intolerable to me because he thought people could tell he liked me. Very adult I know. *sigh* Anyway, he moved about 6 hours away from me and about a year goes by. We start talking online and he talks mostly about getting over a girl that dumped him. I'm really just trying to be a friend and I start to developing feelings for him. He asks me out and I say yes. I fell in love with him. I do love him. I'm kinda dumb when I fall in love, most people are. I tell him I'm thinking about going to grad school and that I'd consider moving up for my own reasons. Well, long story short grad school doesn't look like it will work out for various reasons. I don't want to quit my job. I make almost twice as much money more than him. He's told me over and over again that money is not his lifes goal...but he can't/isn't willing to support a family on his own budget. He is currently pursuing his dream and in his mind that makes it okay that I quit my job because it's not my lifes dream. He lives in a studio (in-law) unit in a very nice families backyard where they feed him dinner almost every night. He's very comfortable where he is and doesn't want to move. I have my own two bedroom apartment with a job that I think will be my career. He plans to only be where he is for a few years and plans to move wherever he can get tenure as a professor and lead his own research group, having his own lab is his dream. I think he expects me to move wherever he wants to. Even though my whole life and family are here. I'm stuck. I love him. Any advice on how to convince him to move in with me once he's done with post-graduate research? He doesn't think he can get tenure if he lives with me...so I would have to convince him that settling down with me would be better. Gah!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I guess it worked out for the best. I told him I wasn't ready to quite my job, he told me he was "leaning towards breaking up with me" even though I wanted to wait and hope a solution would present itself. I thought about it for a day and told him that he was too selfish and that I thought we should break up. I made him promise that we would still talk to each other because I honestly still really care about him, I'm still really in love with him but couldn't tell him. Well, I think it really did wake him up because he was a basket case for a few days. I think the whole experience brought our relationship in perspective because once we started really talking again this week he wanted to get back together. He wants me to stay at my job. He apologized for how he acted and really wants us to work. I never stopped loving him and I think he's more willing to move down to me once he's done with his post doctorate research. I know he loves me and he's willing to try. No girl could ask for more. :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): If he loves you and wants to be with you, he'll do his part so that you can be together. Thats all I can say. To him, his dreams are more important right now than you and your relationship.
Focus on YOU and what you want. He's focusing on himself.
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A
female
reader, Shan25 +, writes (4 December 2009):
Please don't move. it sound like you guys will struggle if you guys got together. you have a good life and goals and will have a good future he you think straight. he sounds bad and im only saying that because i had a guy just like him. he seem like he got it together he knows you got it together. okay now a days whatever you have your mate should have the same or more no excuses. he is too old to live in a studio apartment and he admitted that he can not support a family alone cheap no real man will say that. a real man will do his best to support his family and he will know you will too. good luck
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