A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friendship with a married man, I am married too, it is nothing physical. The relationship began thru work and has slowly developed over 3 years. It started out a casual text or a phone call just to chat and now is an everyday event. We are both happily married but I don't get much attention and I enjoy his attention. I am not sure why he communicates. We both love our family and kids but we can' t seem to break our communication even though it would deeply hurt the ones we love. We do not see each other as we work in different offices in different cities but for the same company. He has told me many times that I am sort of a distraction in his busy life and he treasures the communication and that it gives him a positiveness to his day. The problem is that I feel stronger for him everyday and need to stop. I have tried by not communicating with his for several day but then he sends me something so incredible thr u email that my heart melts and I communicate. I have 2 questions. First is why would a married many want a relationship such as this and not want it physical and the second would be should I stop it and if so how do I when it means so much to me. Please help me I need to top this before I fall too deep. I tried so many times but I become obsessed. Maybebi should be married if I allowed myself to get this involved after x10 years of marriage. I am so confused
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Well, you stop communicating before you hurt everyone more than you can realize unless someone has cheated on you before.
That's the sum of it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I think first you need to talk to your husband about this and keep continues communication with your husband then the person who is friend to you now. Then automatically it will help you otherwise it will going to ruin your life
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A
female
reader, Moraghlouise  +, writes (15 December 2010):
You say you are both "happily" married. But you aren't. If you were, you would have the relationship with your husband that you have with him. It is time to stop lying to yourself and him. If you truely want to save your marriage, you need to stop the relationship with the other man and get into some counseling - first just yourself, and then with your husband. Don't hurt two families, just because you aren't happy at the moment with your relationship.
Get some help!!! You sound like a fantastic person, that is just in a bad place right now. Get the help you need and put that fantastic person's energy towards your own family!
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (15 December 2010):
Love takes many forms. I think both you and him really enjoy and appreciate the attention and affection that you are able to give one another over the years. It is natural that you would both feel affectionately for one another. You are probably both being given the attention that you would love to come from your marriages, but due to the stresses of life and the nature of modern living, neither of you have been able to give/get that attention to/from your partners.
There is an element of fantasy in it too. You can both be whoever you want to be because there are no risks, so you probably allow yourselves a level of honesty in this relationship that you might not be able to risk in your marriages. You might not be able to tell your partners what you really think about them for example, but you might be able to tell one another in these emails.
The problem is that you are worried about this relationship becoming more important that your marriage, in the fear that it will replace your marriage. The real issue here is that you are not able to get enough attention from your husband, and he probably doesn't even know it.
In an ideal world, you would have good communication with your husband and be able to share with him that you have this amazing friendship with this guy who is like a pen pal, but who inspires you and that you have a great relationship with. Your husband should be pleased for the love you generate in your friendship knowing that it does not diminish your love for him. That is the healthy way to be doing what you are doing.
The problem is not having friends outside of your marriage, everyone has lots of different friends. The problem is when you are not getting important things that you need from your marriage, and you start to look outside of your marriage for those things in secret. Time to start communicating better with your husband, invite him to help you to both discover ways in which you can pay more attention to one another, tell him you need more attention from him and help him find ways to give this to you in a way that is natural for him. Be his ally. If you become this close to your husband, your closeness with your friend will not be a threat to your marriage.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): 1. To fill his midlife boredom with a platonic relationship that gives him positive energy. If he were single, he might have been interested in asking you out (or not). He prefers to remain a faithful husband and a father. He realized that there are many temptations in this world, and he does not need to act on them. You are one (not THE only one) of the people, who he likes.
2. I has to be your decision if you want to stop. If you do, STOP texting, e-mailing, but be yourself when you meet in person.
That's all.
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A
female
reader, LizBeth +, writes (15 December 2010):
It sounds to me like both of you are missing the emotional connection in your marriages. I will bet that both of you care about your spouses in a way that would sound more like good friends than anything romantic. After 10 years that can happen, but that doesn't make it a good thing.
I would suggest that you take some time to re-connect with your husband. Go away for a weekend, go to a retreat center, hang out somewhere together and just be a couple. Rediscover why you married each other. Find that love that is still there.
How do you stop communication with this other man? It's NOT going to be easy. Tell him that while you have enjoyed your time communicating with him, your first loyalty is to your husband and your marriage and you must stop this relationship. I think that you may have symptoms of withdrawal, nervousness, anxiety, sneaking to look at your email to see if he has written, etc., but you can get through that. It will take a ton of strength and resolve, but you can do it!
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