A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I hope this doesn't sound too pathetic. I have a problem about getting anxious which keeps cropping up.Basically, my current relationship has had a lot of problems for a long time, and I'm feeling that this will be the same in all my relationships unless I can resolve it.This feeling seems to originate from when I was a child. My parents were divorced and I lived with my mother, who worked full-time, and my older brother. When I got to be 8 or 9 I started going to the after-school club because she would still be working at the end of school. The time she'd pick me up from there would be highly variable- sometimes two or three hours, but often a lot more. I have memories of being the last child at the club and the staff waiting for my mum to arrive so they could all go home. I think sometimes it would be as late as 9 or 10pm.My mum had a relationship with a man at this time, which was aggressive and occasionally violent. She was dependent on alcohol - drinking bottles of cider and wine by herself or with her sister, and spending the weekend with him in pubs. I now understand that the reason she was so late picking me up was probably because she was either going off drinking or meeting this man.I began to be very unhappy at the club. My mother started working from home and so I would walk home from school instead (aged 10/11). But I began to be compulsively fearful that she would not be at home when I got there. The road to the house went around a corner, and as I approached this corner I felt a sense of dread that her car would be missing. So I would, I don't know how to describe it, start making mental games that would determine whether she would be there or not.Obviously the consequence of my doing this was that on the times when she was gone, I would blame myself for it. But this heightened anxious state keeps recurring even now. For example, my girlfriend will say she's arriving back at 7. For 80-90% of the time, there's no bad feeling, but then on another occasion she'll be late, I won't have had a call from her, and this feeling wells up. I've never talked about it with her because early on in our relationship, when we'd just met, I was meeting up with her too much and she felt her freedom was being compromised. (We met in a foreign country, both of us new there, so we were over-reliant on one another.)The relationship with my mother is pretty good now - one day she decided she didn't want to drink any more. We talk on the phone, email, and meet in London, and I don't feel that I've got any sense of having to let her know how distressed I was back then. To explain how this is affecting me now: this evening after work I suggested my girlfriend and I go to an artist talk in town. She called me to say there're drinks after work for someone's birthday: Did I want to go there for a drink? I said I'd go to the talk and see her later at home - I felt that I didn't want to be the boyfriend who insists on being around to guard his girlfriend. After the talk I felt horrible, washed out, on edge. I basically don't respect myself for feeling that way,so I keep it in as a sort of secret.It's exhausting - I feel completely unmasculine for feeling this way. And then when she returns, I feel relief and am easily able to pretend that I've had a nice time on my own getting on with things.Does anyone have any experience of this feeling, or advice as to how to work on it?
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female
reader, polkad0tpink77  +, writes (29 May 2010):
i'm probally not as old as you but i have very bad anciety and i got it at age 8 and i would have horrible panic attacks that would inclube the shaking, the nausha, the worries, the racing of the mind, and had hard times with dealing with emotional problems with relationships because things would just race through my mnid. when i reached age 12 i started to take lexapro whitch is a GREAT medicine for anciety. i tried 4 others but none worked as well. for you, first i would start taking medicine and then sit down and deside on your relationship problems so your mind will calm down and will help you deal with things a lot better and more thouroghly
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDougs:
I looked at the link page, and it looks like spam. I'd rather not.
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A
male
reader, Dougs  +, writes (9 October 2008):
To me you need to get down to the core issue and to easily be able to do that and gain some refreshing new insights and direction for your issue get in touch with Pam at:
www.self-help-on-line.com her Self-help Personal Development Reviews are extremely helpful. Doug
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): i am myself going through something similar myself and it has always made me impossible to live with or have a relationship,but my b/f now is trying to help me and i am shutting him out and i dont want to loose him but i am so scared of facing the truth and sharing my feelings,but i am working on it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto anon:tbh, I often feel that I cannot trust her with my feelings- I wonder if she would judge me badly about them. Our relationship has been absolutely unstable in every way. One night she will start an argument over nothing and we'll spend the evening not talking, and the next day we'll be laughing together over things and I'll feel good again.For example, yesterday we were close, but then after an email today, she replied "you seem much nicer in writing than in person". she seems able to jump from hating me completely over a trivial thing, to acting like there had never been any issue. It makes me feel completely insecure - and if she's in the 'bad' mood, she would disrespect me for that feeling, so I never feel comfortable with telling her my closest feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): you just show your feelings, and she may help you to work towatds resolve this situation, if she is an intelligent woman she will understand, and she will appretiate that you are being so honest with her
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anon female:
I feel though that there's a sort of taboo about a guy having such a conversation with a girl. Surely, she'd be thinking "he's not grown-up, he's still dealing with his childhood feelings"?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): hi I just post something just like that, it is happening exactly the same to me, I am 27 years old female, and you are not alone, my advice is look for help, it is the same thing I am going to do. I have a lot of fear of abandon, you should talk to her and let her know what is happening, I am planing to have a conversation about this with my boyfriend also. I am sure she would be supportive with you
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