A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! I've been vexed lately. There's a guy who has been asking me out but I'm not interested in him at all! Every time he asks me out, I'd tell him I was busy/engaged and even feigned a fever once. I know it's wrong to lie to someone but I don't know how I can turn him down nicely! He's been flirting with me via text messages as well even though I ignore them most of the time and he doesn't seem to get the hint that I'm not interested in going out with him at all and I feel uncomfortable when he flirts with me. On the other hand, there is a guy I'm interested in and we've gone out a couple of times but it gets awkward sometimes and I'm too shy to keep the conversation ball rolling. How can I sound him out about how he feels towards me without being too obvious and coming across as too bold?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 February 2012):
 I just realised that I did not list OPEN words. These are words that encourage the other person to talk
Start your question with an OPEN word, such as:
What made you decide to write your book?
How did you discover......
When you do that, how does it make you feel?
The person's answer results in you finding out more.
Versus CLOSED words that will only get a YES or a NO answer.
Are you going to work?
Is your shop still open?
Will you stop reading that book?
Can you swim?
A closed question puts a break on the flow of conversation. But closed questions are great for slowing down a person who talks too much. Closed questions should not be mis-used as it can easily down too abrupt and rude.
Hope that helps
Hope that helps
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 If the first guy is going to ignore not so subtle hints then he leaves you no choice but to come right out and tell him you see him as a platonic friend only. Be courteous of course, but never, ever mince words or work yourself into a corner just to spare a man's feelings.
Then ask the other guy if he's interested in going out for coffee. A daytime, public casual outting lets you save face if he doesn't feel the same way about you. Do not go out to a place or at a time of day (or night) that might be conducive to romance until you know for certain he's as interested in you as you are in him. You don't want to be duped into a friends with benefits scenario.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I agree with Abella, it's not "oh, maybe later", you need to tell him firmly "no, I'm not interested". And if you dont plan on having any sort of purely friendly conbeagtact with him, outright tell him "I've been lying to you. I was faking business/illness/etc because I dont want to date you, and you wont stop bugging me!"
As for the guy you do like, just try to talk about something you're comfortable talking about.
Like if you LOVE beagles, and you can talk confidently and comfortably about them, then try to steer the conversation towards beagles.
And dont think about how shy you are or how akward something is, just keep pushing forward in the conversation.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 January 2012):
With the first guy stop looking as if you are interested, as your reaction is sending the message that your stance is "not just now, as it is inconvenient, but maybe sometime later" - thus your own reactions to his approaches are giving him hope.
And don't put him through long drawn out miserable realization that you are not interested. Be honest. Meet him for a coffee and tell him firmly and respectfully that he is a nice guy, he just does not appeal to you.
I know that sounds just so upfront. But it allows him to see the truth and move on. Look at him and tell him to his face. Encourage him to date other girls.
And do not go out on a date with him.
Maybe practice what you can say, a few times in the mirror at home, until you sound firm and assertive enough to be convincing.
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The other guy is different.
Give him a shy smile and hold his gaze a tiny milli-second longer than you would normally. Laugh sweetly and gently in his company. Notice his movements - where does he have lunch? when does he have lunch? Just happen to be there at the right place at the right time. And if he is sitting along then ask if you can join him?
If you have mutual friends then ask your friends a little about him. Only a tiny few questions. But it will get nack to him. It is a sure way to show you are interested.
If he is into a certain hobby then find out more about the hobby and see what you can learn about it so that you can ask him more about that hobby next time you see each other.
If there is a nice community public free festival/open air celebratory event happening near you soon during a weekend, then phone him and ask if he's like to attend with you.
Keep yourself well updated on local and overseas news and what is happening in the world so that you can confidently speak a little about what is happening in the news.
Since you cannt be certain when you will see him next then make sure that when you leave home each day that you look and smell wonderful.
Ask him more about his studies. Draw him out on things he enjoyed and did not enjoy when studying.
Does he know much about his family history? Ask him to tell you about the relative he admires most in his family.
Start off your questions with OPEN words. So he has more leeway for his answers.
Find out his favorite music. work out what you like about it, ask him what he likes about it and have a discussion on same if you feel confident enough to discuss his music.
Good luck with your quest to find a partner who really connects with you.
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