A
female
age
41-50,
*hin77
writes:Hi all, I'm a single mother with a 6 yrs old boy. Have been divorced for 3 yrs. In the late 2009, I bumped into one guy friend whom I knew 13 yrs ago. We are just mutual friends at that time... Anyway after I met him again last yr, we ended up together. He promised me lots if things... Things like will take good care of me and my boy. Will treat my boy like his own. Things were very sweet, we had very happy times and vacation together. He moved in with me as well. So for the past one yr, we have been staying together doing normal things whic couple do. Time passes and gradually without knowing, I fall in love with him deeply. But things however changed, started two months ago, he treated me coldly... Until one day, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him. He just gave me the reason of my son not being closed to him. I guess thats the best excuse he could give as my son is really closed to him and respected him alot, he even called him Daddy.. He has moved out of my house... I even loan him money to let him deal with his financial problems.. The reason why I'm sad nw is I hv just found out that he is actually leaving for another woman.. I feel like a canon ball shoot right through my heart. How can someone just not love within split seconds? Is there really no honest man out there who will truly love? Love takes two hands to clap and to constantly maintain.. There will be many obstacles in a relationship but am wondering why am I always the unlucky one. This is the most painful relationship I had as I have given all my heart out to this guy... But he chose to leave me silently with no actual reasons given. He didn't acknowledge the real reason of leaving me... Guess he doesn't really need to say out as I have found out on the other girl. I just want to know how long I can overcome this... Things are already tough enough for me.. As I have to work and take care of my son and parents... I don't know how to really overcome this... I feel like a empty body with no soul every day... But of course u know this wouldn't be fair to my son. I still have to strong as his pillar because he has only me now...
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 thank you khin77 for your lovely words. My heart goes out to you, and wishes to you very best wishes, Abella
A
female
reader, khin77 +, writes (18 December 2010):
khin77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Abella, I am very touched and surprised to receive this very true sensible and logical advice for me. I am very new to Dear Cupid, jus happened to bumped into this website and really in need of whatever advice people could give. I have read your advices thrice and I will aleau read it again to remind myself. These encouraging words will really push me to a new level, out of this sad pool. In fact, I have been like walking around like a dead human, very much afraid I'm not able to get away from this self-create sadness.
Thanks alot for all of your advices including doing things that I love which I have been neglecting for the past one yr. And of course to make a list on what type of man I want and not want. You have reminded me that a single mum does not need to look down on herself. We are strong enough to support ourselves, children financially and emotionally. I shouldn't feel bad for myself. I will wake up and take this as a lesson learned.
Thanks again dear Abella^^
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 December 2010):
It is very heartbreaking to discover that the 'cloak of deception' covered not a man, but just the a shadow of a genuine real ethical and honorable man.
Being a single parent is a heavy burden on one parent, especially if the other parent cannot be there, or chooses to be absent. You want the best for your child, and your child has grown to love this man as a father, so the departure of this man is doubly sad for your son.
And it sounds as if you also help your parents too. More responsibility for you.
You may not yet see it, but this experience will make you stronger, and more able to see through insincerity.
This man was not able to handle less than half the load you shoulder alone. He was not your equal.
It is easy to hope for the best and read more into words easily tossed around as the 'truth'.
This guy was better at talking up big expansive promises, than he was on delivering on his promises. And any man needing to borrow money from you is indicating a RedAlert, that he's not handling his own life as well as one would hope.
Plus you want the best for your child.
So when this man offered so much it must have seemed so good.
And meeting a man who sounds too good to be true often leaves a vulnerable woman wanting to believe the best of such a man and starts to believe he is a better man than he really is.
It is the worst sinking feeling to find someone does not love us as much as we love them. We experience a feeling like a tiny door, in one part of our heart has been slammed shut, forever.
Don't withdraw totally into your duties as a mother. Your child is one large part of your heart, and always will be, but if you focus all on your child that makes a child think their priorities eclipse yours.
Instead continue to be the good person you are to your son and your parents.
But also do something nice for you, regularly.
This results in tangible evidence to demonstrate that you DO believe you deserve to be treated well, regularly.
Other people are more likely to treat us well when we also demonstrate that we think we are worthy of good treatment. We should put value on ourselves. If you do not, then why should anyone else?
Make a list of 20 free or inexpensive treats (treats can be anything you like that are never harmful to you) and are treats that would brighten your day. Now resolve to choose at least one treat per week for you to enjoy. My examples included: a logic puzzle book, an easy sudoko book, a bunch of fresh flowers from the supermarket, a long duration rose scented bath just for me, a walk in a park, a bus ride to see a waterfall on a very wet day, a visit to the library. Every time you find time for a treat for you it reminds you that you deserve the best.
Secondly you need to develop your set of requirements for your ideal man.
My ideal man has (among his other good attributes) the respect of his friends and colleagues and treats all his family respectfully. He is not arrogant, he can laugh and enjoy the simple things in life. He manages his income, whatever level, without extravagance. He hates debt, except income earning debt. He obeys the law.
Have a think about what you would need for a man to be your 'ideal' man. And make up your own list of good points. Much easier to recognise your ideal man if you already know what you are looking for.
But you also need to know what you will NOT put up with.
I made up my own list of those requirements. Think about what things you will not put up with. Just so you never waste your time on any such man. Once again so you can recognise such a man as not up to your standards
Number one on my list would be my zero tolerance for all on the list below (not even for a minute would I put up with any of the following)
Domestic violence, bullying, a man with a string of unpaid debts, boastful, arrogant, illicit drug takers, liars, body odor, bad breath, Criminal behavior, infidelity.
I hope you find the man of your dreams and i hope he makes you very happy, and provides good support to your son too.
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